.:UnTitLeD:.

2004-11-23T04:46:00.000-08:00

u r de cause to all my problems. cause to all my depressed moods. cause to all my sadness. cause to all my pain. it is becuz of u dat i am like dis now. i hate u. u turned me into dis wif all ur hurtful words n nonchalant attitude abt me. do u think dat im always going to be here? well im not. yeah. u might think im weak. insecure. pathetically incapable of leaving u. u take me for granted. all the time. u think im always going to be here waiting for u. jus like i have been for de past 2 yrs of my life. while U take ur own sweet time n break up wif me as n when u like. den when u want me back, u jus have to accidentally msg me n ull get me back. i hate u for doing dis to me. im not a f.cking doll, goddammit. all dis while u have done NTH but make me sad. NTH but hurt me. n ur nonchalant attitude towards me? wad de fish is up wif dat? was i not as important to u as ur frens were? i dunnoe y all dis while i tolerated all dis bullcrap from these pple. wads wrong wif me?! i sabar, n i sabar, but where does it get me? i was so rite when i said u were prolly gonna dump me sooner or later. I HATE U. ure a f.cking LIAR. pretending all de way. making me feel even worse abt myself den i already am. well F.CK U. i shldve seen dis coming. oh wait. i did. but U told me it was never gonna happen agn. U gave me false hopes. U told me SHIT. SHIT dat i knew deep down was never gonna come true, n yet i stayed on anyway, cuz i actually believed all de f.ck crap u said. i was rite when i said u can never trust anyone cuz dey'll only end up leaving u. ARGH.
all dis jus goes to show how teenage boys cannot be trusted. dey're immature, fickle-minded n full of SHIT. never believe it when a teenage boy tells u he loves u. never ever take de risk of falling in love wif a teenage boy. he'll only hurt u. dey make good frens, but not boyfrens. never trust dem wif ur heart.
no, im not shunning relationships forever. jus waitin until i grow older, so dat de boys i date will most prolly be more matured by den. f.ck guys man.
haha. ok now dat ive got all dat shit off my chest, i feel better now. no regrets yo~ \m/ lol. yep. i feel more free now. oh n yeah! i finally pierced de shell of my ear! whoo hoo!! planning to have a whole line of piercings down my ear, budden later cannot solat. so dats a big problem.
hmmm. been thinking. y do i still get myself into relationships even tho i noe its gonna turn into a big effing mess? oh rite. im supposed to never give up. uh huh. rite. piss off wif dat motto. i shld be like kat stratford (played by julia stiles) from 10 things i hate abt u. independent, doesnt trust anyone, does things for herself n not others, lives only by her own expectations. now dats wad i call girl power. hmmm. i shld be like dat. mm-hmmm.
ok. im blabbing agn. de truth is, im bored. again. certain pple r ignoring me for reasons unknown so i dun really have anyone to tok to. how sad.
oh rite. tml me goin jln raye wif malay class students. cant wait. *its all abt de monay monay monay monay~*
oh n before dat deres a stupid briefing for dat first 3 mths shit. i can actually go to centralised institute cuz de requirement for dat is l1r4 - 20 n below, n i got 19 for my l1r4. LOL. dats excluding maths n science. which i failed by a bit. i got 41/100 for both. not dat bad, compared to 20+ i got last yr. hmmm. neway jus tot id check it out for a bit. mite be fun going for dat 1st three months. if dat alfian fella can do dat, den so can i.
im gettin worried for o levels. even tho i noe i did my best after mugging for one whole before each paper, im still scared. before dis, ive never passed maths n science. so wad makes me think a nite of mugging is gonna get me at least a c6 for any of dat? oh gawd. im praying n praying. hopefully i wont be crying on de day of de results.
have i ever mentioned dat i hate exams? hmmm no? ok i HATE exams.
ok. im pissed. gtg. laytaa~

matchbook romance - promise

2004-11-11T08:47:00.000-08:00

wad wld u say if i asked u not to go
to forget everyone, forget everything n start over wif me
wld u take my hand n never let me go?
promise me ull never let me go

n de stars arent out tonite
n neither r we to look up at dem
y does hello feel like goodbye
n these memories cant replace
these wishes i wished n dreams i chased
take dis broken heart n make it rite

i feel like i lost everything when ur gone
left remembering wad its like
to have u here wif me
i tot u shld noe
ur not making dis easy

i never tot id be de one to say
pls dun, well pls dun leave me

i feel like i lost everything when ur gone
left remembering wad its like
to have u here wif me
i tot u shld noe
ur not making dis easy

ur not making dis easy

take my hand, n never let me go(2x)
promise me ull never let me go
ull never let go (3x)

i feel like i lost everything when ur gone
left remembering wad its like
to have u here wif me
i tot u shld noe
ur not making dis easy

yep dats de song idats playing. it rawks. sing along kids!

2004-11-11T08:42:00.000-08:00

im turning into a depressed psycho freak!! lalalallala. sharania if ur reading dis, wads ur site addy? need ta add ya.

2004-11-09T13:22:00.000-08:00

yehh! my blog's finally playing my FAVOURITE song!!! thanks to zulfadli's breaking the habit music codes!!! i dun even noe him but thanks!!!!

btw folks~ de song is Promise by Matchbook Romance. enjoy!!

2004-11-09T11:15:00.000-08:00

i did something bad ytd. something i shldve dropped a long time ago. it had been a full 6 mths since i last did it. id promised so many pple dat i wldnt anymore. n yet i did it. i cldnt take it anymore. it was de only way i cld think of to let go of dis unidentified pain n distress dat was eating me from de inside. oddly, after i did it, de pain disappeared, n i was fine agn. no. i do not wan it to happen agn. looking to self-infliction of pain is not de way i want to handle my problems n stress. i do not wan to travel down dat treacherous road agn.
de scars r still there. still tender. still red. still bleeding. everytime i brush against something i flinch in pain. dey hurt. when i look at dem, i hate myself all over agn for allowing myself to grip dat weapon of terror n slash my skin open. i hate it. how cld i have done it? i feel insanely guilty now.
i dunnoe y suddenly im like dis. is it de o levels? yes. i believe it is. but it cant be only dat rite? maybe its cuz of dis...dis feeling. ahh wadever. i hate feelings neway. dey make me sad.
i hate to admit dis agn. but i miss him. yes. i miss him. was dat him online jus now? i asked if it was him, n he didnt reply me. didnt even tok to me. is he ignoring me???!!! no no cannot be. CANNOT be.
sigh. ok. time for sahur. bye.

uber-boring.

2004-11-07T04:20:00.000-08:00

once agn i am left here to blog like a retard. cldve been wif HIM rite now. watching his band play. but noooo~ mummy n daddy dearest said no. so now i am stuck here wif onli dear bloggie for company. sighh. life is unfair.
i wonder wad hes doing now. im goin crazy jus thinkin abt him. cuz i miss him~ 15 mins of conversation wif him online n 5 mins on de fone ytd have caused me to suffer severe withdrawal of him ytd nite n today. wad do u expect? i havent spoken to him directly for close to 2 mths now. damn u o levels~ sigh. oh wells. only 2 more weeks of hell, n i can be wif him agn. i hope~ yay!
i wonder how de band's performance is going. heard de guitarist is great. sigh. too bad i cant be there to witness it for myself. crap. im getting depressed.
smsed him dunnoe how many million times ytd - tho he never replied [ fone no money ]. jus to tell him i love him n miss him like nuts. cldnt help it. i jus had to. gawd~ im going crazy. help!
tml is maths paper 2, n i havent studied for balls. i dunnoe how im gonna fare for tml n chem paper on tues. i hate chem. all ms soo's fault [ i dun care, im not callin her mrs chen ]. if it had been mr michael teachin us, i wldve been gettin a1s rite now. but oh well, no time for regrets. jus gotta work my butt off n hope for a stroke of luck on dat day. same goes for maths.
surfed friendster like an idiot today - out of boredom. went from one person's page to another. envied all de pretty girls n drooled over all de cute guys. haha. ive got no life remember. too tired to study too. maybe later.
everywhere i look these days pple r either gettin together, or breaking up. it saddens me how at one point of time, a fren of urs is sooo happy cuz dey have found a person to love, but at another point of time dat fren of urs is so torn apart becuz he or she has lost their loved one. its so sad.
ok im done being sad. gonna try n study. tml big paper. later freaks.

life is a blur.

2004-11-06T06:20:00.000-08:00

*how cld dis happen to me?*
life has suddenly become a blur. a blur of textbooks, mixed feelings, n exams. i dunnoe wad im feeling or thinking anymore. while i cant wait for o levels to be over, i dun want it to end either. y, u ask? well, i dun wanna lose my frens. we used to be so close, so together. but now wad happened? its all falling apart. n i duwan any of us to forget each other as soon as we're out of skl. wads gonna happen den? r we gonna pretend we dunnoe each other when we accidentally meet somewhere? r we jus gonna smile n wave n carry on wif our busy lives? i duwan any of dat to happen. but it seems, n its becoming more n more obvious each day, dat it will.
me n aini used to be really close. but wad happened? now its like we dun even study together or anything anymore, when last time we used to go out almost everyday, doing stupid ish n making ouorselves laugh. where has it all gone to? does it really have to end? y do i have de feeling dat i wont see her agn after o levels, dat she will forget all abt me, her so called best fren? am i too uncool for her n her new lifestyle..or wad?
i noe i may not be de prettiest, or de coolest person to hang out wif. but i do deserve something. do i deserve to be dismissed like dis? no. i dun. so y issit happening?
suddenly i duwan o levels to be over. cuz if it ends, den i wont ever get to see any of my frens agn. i duwan it to happen. for us to jus fall out, its heartbreaking to think abt. but issit heartbreaking to dem?
i noe. i MITE have my syg, riah, sharania, philiee to hang out wif, but wad abt my supposed best fren? she found a boyfren n new set of frens n now suddenly im nth. its like we're onli passing acquaintances. f.ck it.
im pathetic. im lame. wadever. i dun give a crap. im jus really hurt by wads happening. n i hate me. cuz im too f.cking pathetic.
shes rite. never trust anyone, cuz if family members can leave u, den y not frens? she has no idea how rite she is. if shes not feelin it, IM feelin it. ahhh piss off.
i hate my life. i hate my skl. i hate myself. i hate my specs. i hate my anti-socialism. i hate everything.
hmmm. shld i cut? *shakes head at herself* no umi, control urself. dun, otherwise later got pple call u POSER. jus cuz dat person oso cut, suddenly u r POSER. better not.
benedict. u f.cking RAWK. dare to be different~ i wish i had ur attitude. its jus ur damn mouth. u never noe when to shut up [ lol ] but otherwise, i admire u. u rawk man. even tho ur irritating. btw~ loved wad u wore on grad nite. its different. i dun care wad others say. i LOVED it.
i hate it when i hear pple calling other pple posers. its as if dey r not. everyone's a poser in dis damned world. jus cuz u listen to a certain type of music, dress a certain way~ ure still following some sort of trend. ADMIT it, dammit. i mean, if u were de one who actually started de WHOLE thing, dats fine. but jus cuz ur into something, doesnt give u de rite to call others posers. ur no better den everyone else so quit acting like u r.
all dese stupid labels - trendy wankers, posers, wadever. jus f.ckin burn dem n may we have a peaceful world.
riah sis u rawk! ur de onli one whos been there for me thru all my ups n downs. u rawk, girl~! dun ever change! lets take billions of pics after o levels ok!!
sigh. ok. imma go eat den do chem. wadever. later freaks.

The night goes on as i'm fading away.

2004-11-06T05:59:00.000-08:00

i open my eyes.
i try to see but im blinded by de white light.
i cant remember how, i cant remember why
im lying here tonite.
n i cant stand de pain.
n i cant make it go away.
no i cant stand de pain.

how cld dis happen to me?
i made my mistake, got nowhere to run.
de nite goes on as im fadin away.
im sick of dis life.
i jus wanna scream.
how cld dis happen to me?

everybody's screaming.
i try to make a sound but no one hears me.
im slippin off de edge, im hangin by a thread.
i wanna start dis over agn.
so i try to hold onto a time when nth mattered.
n i cant explain wad happened
n i cant erase de things dat ive done.
no i cant.

how cld dis happen to me?
ive made my mistakes, got nowhere to run.
de nite goes on as im fading away.
im sick of dis life.
i jus wanna scream.
how cld dis happen to me?

ive made my mistakes, got nowhere to run.
de nite goes on as im fadin away.
im sick of dis life.
i jus wanna scream.
how cld dis happen to me?

2004-10-19T10:34:00.000-07:00

sigh. something's wrong wif my comp agn tonite. its 1.34 am in de morning, n here i am. supposed to be studyin, but hey, a lil break wont hurt me.
was tokkin to shayfik/shayfiq [ i swear i dunnoe how to pronounce de name ] jus now. he was abit upset, cuz apparently his fren bastard him by goin out wif de girl dat he likes. wad an asshole for a fren. he was really emo jus now. kesian uh.
didnt tok much to syg jus now. both of us r hardworking these days. ahakz. o-level oie. was thinkin maybe i wont come online until after o's. ill jus study, study, study. but den lidat, how to tok to him? =[ i dunnoe lah.
tml me, aini n shar gonna go shopping. meetin at 11 am at bb mrt. i have no freakin clue wad to wear. *where r my damn jeans?* n yeah, we goin shoppin for grad nite. cant wait.
im really tired rite now. dunnoe if i shld continue studyin. maybe not. mus wake up for sahur. sigh. dunnoe lah.
sowie freaks. me feelin a bit sad rite now. y, u ask? well, was jus thinkin abt how it was last time. im sittin here n im hoping, dreaming n praying dat dis time things will be better. hoping n hoping like nobody's business. no, im not being paranoid agn. i do believe ive gotten over dat crap, thank GOD. i hate being paranoid.
taking things more laid-back now. dun read too much into situations, dun jump to conclusions, dun think yg bukan-bukan. ive come a long way, n im finally here. i can finally say i trust someone. dun blame him for bein so pissed off at me last time, it was all my fault neway. i fully accept de blame.
not trusting pple - particularly guys - is extremely tiring, n yet it is somethin dat is very hard to be rid of. trust takes time to build, but my trust took AGES. haha. i used to be depressed all de time, torn between wanting to end it before hurtin anyone n wanting to hold on to it no matter wad. now i noe dat ending it jus cuz i duwanna get hurt is jus plain stupid.
i cant say de paranoia is fully gone, but i cant say its fully there either. id say most of it is gone, n traces of it r left behind. n yeah. i'd say dats quite a good thing, cuz in dis modern world, everythings jus much more difficult. u cant trust blindly. everything takes effort, n everything involves pain, whether u like it or not. there r pple who dun trust anyone AT ALL. cant blame dem, but lets get real. how long can dey hold demselves back? how long dey gonna keep running away from everythin? how long dey gonna be paranoid? n how exactly r dey gonna live their lives?
chey. im tokking as if im so experienced. but wadever. im jus writin down wad i feel.
syg jus sent me an extremely sweet msg. sigh. *butterflies dancing in my stomach*
k uh. enuff philosophising for one nite. im tired. guess i wont be studyin more after all. good nite losers.

2004-10-15T06:08:00.000-07:00

ok. ive officially gone weird. painted my nails black n bright pink alternately. ahakz. i love de effect. for de past few mths me been experimenting wif weird nail colours n i have to admit - its fun. oso, was trying to figure out wad to wear for graduation next week. den i saw avril lavigne in a black sleeveless dress wif black nearly elbow-high lace arm-warmers n calf-length boots n red checkered knee-high socks. ultra weird, but i like it for some reason. dammit, those few mths without my baby has turned me into a freako. ahakz. only nowadays i dun show it much. wahaha. well de time has come for me to unveil my weird side to him neway. ive already bestowed upon him heavily made up eyes which he says he doesnt like. dun get me wrong, me not going against him or anything. i jus like de look of dark eyeliner arnd my eyes. ooohhh maybe i cld wear a black dress wif those black n red high cut sneaks??? *ponders* hmmm. possibility.
pple r gonna laugh if dey see me lidat at graduation. thing is, i jus DUNNOE wad to wear. n de dress code is so freaking ridiculous dat i mite as well make a fool of myself.
man. am i weird or wad?
it seems to me like since we're gonna have such limited freedom of attire, everyone's prolly gonna come in almost de same thing. n dats like, beyond embarrassing. wad if i wear de jagged skirt dat everyone wans, n 3/4 of de girls there wear de same thing? n wad abt de top? OMG. i need to go shopping. NOW.
now im itching to go shopping.
things i will prolly buy.
1) a black dress dat looks like lingerie but is not (de one dat avril wore in her cd booklet). its short, but not too short - jus above de knee, n it has fat straps.
2) black chunky shoes. mary janes maybe. no way am i gonna wear those long boots.
3) arm warmers.
4) black pantyhose. =p
5) some black skirt.
6) some see-thru top but will have like a bra-like thing inside. so can see my stomach.
7) maybe de blue skirt n top from Chaos at heeren.
8) black off-shoulder top. but its midriff baring. damn~

gawd. i need help~ where r all my frens when i really need dem. riah, aini, yasmin where r u guys???? n wheres my baby??? i miss him~
sighh.
tml me family goin to mesjid mydin to buka puasa n have kenduri for atok as well. mesjid mydin very very nice now, so i cant wait. thinkin of askin my baby to go buka there wif me, but feel kinda guilty cuz hes not family n dunnoe if he's allowed to be there. wahha. i wan see him tho. n neway dun think he'd wanna come. damn~
i dunnoe y suddenly im callin him my baby. dun usually do dat. shy lah. wahahha. but rite now i have "hey baby" by no doubt in my head, so i guess im bein influenced here. n oso, its cute. haha. my BABY~
ok ive gone nuts from boredom. where is everyone???!!!
maybe i shld do my chem now. but i see no point. i need someone to teach me. physics not bad uh. can do abit. its my chem n maths n dat im in deep shit for.
ok since no one's here i mite as well replay every single thing dat happened to me these past few days. went out to study wif my BABY~ [ahakz] on tuesday. went to hougang's long john silvers n did physics. he did chem cuz he hates physics. wahaha. contradiction huh? yeah den after abt 1 hr ++ we both cldnt study anymore so went walking arnd compass point. me, of cuz, was lookin at de dresses in metro n other shops. but sigh, sadly, all of dem r against de dress code. i think maybe i shld bag my policy of no-sleeveless clothings, cuz im beginning to think dat maybe, jus maybe, i do look good in some of dem. hmmm. dunnoe lah.
prom is not confirmed yet. how sad is dat? but if it does happen, im gonna bring my BABY~ i wanna bring him so bad dat i dun even mind payin for lets say, half of de payment? since its not his prom neway. but alah. if he duwan to come oso nvm lah. i not paksa-ing him. i jus cant think of anyone better to spend prom wif den him. was thinking abt wad to wear for prom. maybe some tubey dress wif a shawl arnd it [dun worry 'rents, im not gonna go all strapless]. it seems really sweet. n i think me gonna do my hair too. maybe an updo, wif curls n some tiny flowers in it? ahakz. like wedding lidat. but nvm. its prom. its definitely a big deal. n its held at a hotel, so imma try n look my best. maybe go for makeover. yowza~ its gonna cost a big hole in me [or rents' hehekz] pockets. im thinkin maybe all pinky pinky. or maybe black lah. if im feelin weird den maybe ill go for de latter. depends.
btw i love dis new layout. diary of a punk rock queen. whooo~! i think its great. n de notebook thing is so cute.
i wan to start a band. but cant find other members. ahakz. i wan to learn electric guitar. or if i cant, maybe ill jus be de singer. if dat happens, den de rest will all be guys. wahaha. how cool is dat~
imagine me jumpin up n down while singin. so fun.
hey i forgot abt ytd. haha. sowie. too wrapped up in prom dammit. ahakz. yeah. met my BABY~ at marina bay. supposed to go there n slack, but ended up walking n sweating out butts off cuz cldnt find de park. haha. funny seh. took bus 400 n somehow ended up in shenton way. den my BABY~ went to sholat at dis mosque there wif alot of pigeons outside, while i waited at de bus stop. cldnt sholat lah. dtg *ahem* hehekz.
i was so touched to see my BABY~ actually taking time to go sholat. not many teenage boys wld actually do dat n i felt so damn freaking lucky to have him. i still do~ n yeah he actually went in to sholat. i cannot say dat im surpised he did dat, cuz i think he's a really good guy, but judging from how MATS work, lets jus say ive been skeptical.
so yeah, he went to sholat while i waited. den after dat we went walkin arnd. de place was freaking boring so we took mrt to city hall. den from city hall we walked to de esplanade. well, sg river lah. den sat down at de steps overlookin de river n tokked. n took pics. it was great jus bein wif him uh. totally destressed me. n believe me, i needed destressing.
listenin to avril lavigne now. Under My Skin. its not bad really. ok im gonna go. im bored.

2004-10-13T07:29:00.000-07:00

yet agn im back. life is seriously damn boring. puasa is starting on friday, but unfortunately i cant puasa. y? cuz im still "dirty". ahahaha. geddit?
nvm.
neway yeah. gawd im bored. still tryin to decide whether or not to absent myself from skl tml or not. thing is, i havent done my english homework, n i dun even noe wad de bloody assignment is. how? to go or not to go. dat is de qn.
crap ass bitch kicked me out of class today. cuz of my undone homework. fine lah. i had more fun outside den i ever wld inside neway. id prolly be aslp within five secs of listenin to her crap ass voice drone on n on. she threw my book down on de floor at de front of de classroom n was like, "u think wad? u very good ah? jus ytd i dreamt abt u, umi." i was like, wtf? wad kind of teacher says dat? well, her lah. she's de one whos been slacking her ass off for de whole yr, n i get de scolding. she never marks our books neway. crap bitch. argh. i am so not happy.
night study today was fun. ahakz. at first, me, shar, maria, louis, manda n yishu were studyin normally on de 4th floor. den suddenly wei chin came down from de 5th floor to borrow my hp. said dey were gonna take pics. after a while i got intrigued so i followed dem up there. wardha, siti, phillie n huzaimi were there. ohh btw~ phillie bought me MnMs! yay! thanks phillie~
so yeah. den we went exploring in de dark. went to 4/4 classroom, which is supposedly haunted [story of 4/4 classroom to be told later]. wait, first we went to 3/5. some teacher named cikgu fauziah [ whom ive never heard of before] told some pple dat she heard noises in dat room. dey tried to take some pics thru de lil holes at de top of de door, but came up wif nth.
4/4 classroom oso nth happen. boring~
btw here's de story of 4/4 classroom. somethin me, aini n sharania encountered abt 2 yrs back------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--> it was sometime in de late afternoon n me, aini n sharania were having softball training in skl. on dat very day, our coach had made us go thru an obstacle course, which at one point required us to go up to 6th floor - 4/4 classroom level - to do jumping jacks. ok some backgrnd knowledge abt dat classroom is dat deir back door, is extremely tight. dey have to kick de door very very very hard to open it. u cant pull it open, n there is no way it can suddenly jus swing open.
so wad happened was, we were all doing our jumping jacks rite. den suddenly de back door swung open!!! at first we saw it was closed - tightly. so how cld it have opened by itself??? den dere was one time farhan said dat he saw some women in red. budden again its farhan. so u never noe wads true n wads not. =p
ok rite now i can admit im stressed. my comp is givin me probs for de first time ever, n i cant seem to do a single shit in de rgss maths paper. plus not to mention i cant do a single shit in chem either.
oh gawd. dun ignore me pple. de more u ignore me, de more pissed off im gonna get. fuck im turning depressed agn. *stress stress stress*
ok im gonna n rot by myself now. later geeks.

2004-10-12T07:32:00.000-07:00

im here im here. dun fear. once again fellow weirdos im back. went to study wif syg jus now. had a great time wif him [jus HIM~!]. which means i didnt enjoy de studying part. oh wells. who cld blame me?
at least i did PHYSICS. hehe. *wink*
skl was so crappy today. went at abt 9.30 for maths. den ciao before chem. ms soo wasnt there neway. she's pregnant. ahakz. ok i made dat up. but maria said she saw her abt to throw up, so im guessing yeah, she's pregnant. wadever. i dun give a flying crap abt her neway.
so yeah. went to skl for all of abt one period n dats it. pathetic for wad was supposed to be a normal skl day.
so after skl went home, changed, n headed for hougang. de bus ride was so damn freaking long. so met him, studied for a while, den went walkin arnd compass point. after dat, ahakz. keep wonderin freaks.
den went home cuz syg had nite study. sigh. so sad. bus ride damn long. i think abt an hr or somethin. somemore at woodlands took 178. so dats another hr.
sigh. im bored. syg's tokkin to his buddies i guess. im entertaining myself. again. ahakz. life is so boring.
skl agn tml. imagine my excitement. n dis time i actually have to be there at 8. yippee.
im so dead rite now it kills me. lol. de irony.
ok im gonna go.
i love my boi very much. oh rite we took pics agn. he's HOT~ look like usher [my dream black guy]. ahakz.
k later maggots.
psychologically unstable rite now

2004-10-08T07:24:00.000-07:00

I am 27% evil.

I try to stay away from evil deeds but succumb to temptation every once in a while. I'm not quite on my way to hell but I certainly have some explaining to do.

Are you evil? find out at Hilowitz.com

2004-10-07T23:21:00.000-07:00

yo freaks. dis is a nice song introed to me by a fren. very sweet song. enjoy~

Matchbook Romance - Promise

What wld u say if i asked u not to go
To forget everyone, forget everything
N start over wif me
Wld u take my hand, n never let me go
Promise me u'll never let me go

n de stars aren't out tonight
but neither r we to look up at dem
why does hello feel like goodbye
these memories can't replace
these wishes i wished n dreams i chased
take dis broken heart n make it right

i feel like i lost everything when ur gone
left remembering wad its like
to have u here wif me
i tot u shld noe
ur not making this easy

i never thought i'd be de one to say
please dont, please dont leave me

i feel like i lost everything when ur gone
left remembering wad its like
to have u here wif me
i tot u shld noe
ur not making dis easy

you're not making this easy

take my hand and never let me go
take my hand and never let me go
promise me you'll never let go
you'll never let me go
you'll never let me go
you'll never let me go
make this last forever

i feel like i lost everything when you're gone
left remembering what it's like
to have you here with me i thought you should know
you're not making this easy(6x)

so fall asleep tonight
cuz that brings me closer to you

2004-10-06T08:25:00.000-07:00

bored to death. i vow never to come online every single again. its de most boring shit ever. darlings busy i guess. im left to entertain myself wif irritating pple. so skl ended abt 9 today. yep. 9pm. night study programme for maths. sigh. wad to do. o level student i am. wadever. im jus irritated cuz no one's here to entertain me.
neway in de afternoon went wif timo crystal n louis to study. bukit batok east community centre mcdonalds. yep. ordered four evm. 20-piece nuggets, 4 large fries, 4 burgers, 4 drinks. den after dat at abt 530, took 963 bus back to skl. stupid louis kept taking photos. gawd. i hate myself in skl attire n wif my hair pulled back into an ugly ponytail. n dat stupid class tee shirt wif "W-inds" on de sleeve. who de hell puts W-inds on deir tee shirt? totally not my fault. de stupid shop got mine n de girl before me's tee shirt mixed up. my wonderful "Miz`MiMiE" is now on hers n i have her chinese boyband name on mine. sigh.
sec 4 now. in abt two months ill be out of sec skl. for good. i hope so. jus found out i hv to get below 18 pts to get into de course dat i wan. n my english has to be A2. rite now its B3. crap.
my results r as follows (i dunnoe y im publishin dis here, but hey, its my diary rite) :-

english
paper 1 - 48/60
paper 2 - 27/50
66/100
B3

history
SouthEast Asia - 32/50
Modern World - 34/50
66/100
B3

combined humanities
Social studies - 30/50
Geography - 27/50
57/100
C5

ok now for de subs dat i didnt pass. means i failed dem. badly. im not sure abt malay tho.

combined science
Physics - 36/100
Chemistry - 46/100
43/100
E8

mathematics
paper 1 - 21.5/80
paper 2 - 46/100
after moderation - 41/100
E8

so as u can see, i need help. urgently. can anybody gimme tuition? u hv no idea how badly u r needed rite now. contact me aight.

2004-10-04T08:26:00.000-07:00

i love my sweetie!!! i love my sweetie!!! i love my sweetie!!! i love my sweetie!!! i love my sweetie!!! i love my sweetie!! i love my sweetie!!! i love my sweetie!!! i love my sweetie!!! i love my sweetie!!! i love my sweetie!!! i love my sweetie!! i love my sweetie!!! i love my sweetie!!! i love my sweetie!!! i love my sweetie!! i love my sweetie!!! i love my sweetie!! i love my sweetie!!! i love my sweetie!!! i love my sweetie!!! i love my sweetie!!!

2004-10-03T06:44:00.000-07:00

im back fellow weirdos. miss my bloggie alot so here i am. blogging my heart out. first. newsflash!
*me n darling got back together~! whoo hoo!*
only god noes how much i really love him. truly. madly. deeply. ahakz. seriously. outrageously. fully. absolutely. totally.
ok i shld cut de crap.
todays events. jus came back from town wif darling n his fren nasir. haha. it was ok. went to far east first n den went to peni. nasir is a really funny guy. cldnt stop laughing at him. or his jokes. whichever. ahakz.
darling was wonderful. i missed holding his hand. hell, i missed HIM. jus having him arnd makes me happy. very very happy. u have no idea, bloggie, jus how happy. neway yeah, took some pics on de way home in de train. really nice. esp de one of him alone. so hot~ hehekz.
k lah. ill stop gushing. maaf. hes just so great. n i emphasize on GREAT.
aini was at town too. IDIOT watch white chicks without me seh. takpe takpe. nanti aku beli vcd byk2 aku tak nak kasi pinjam ah. =p
dying to watch white chicks. but nowadays cannot go out much. o levels coming ok. must stay at home n be a good girl. tho i dun study much. ahhhh! how?!
nvm. ill jus wait for white chicks vcd to come out. cant even watch it wif darling. sad ah sad.
neway aini was in town jus now. wanted to meet up wif her budden de guys had to leave. so did aini. de first time i go out to town in abt 2 mths n everyone has to leave. how depressing. am i de only one whos been missing out on life? yes. apparently i am.
hey its not my fault. jus needed some time to myself. to prove dat i can survive without a boy. dat worked out pretty well huh. =p
phillie jus asked me to col him. i didnt. cuz if i did id feel guilty. not dat id be doin anything wrong wif phil, but to me, a phone call between a guy n a girl is a bit intim. dunnoe y lah. i jus dun like to tok on de fone wif any guy when im goin on wif someone else. it jus crosses de line for me. sorry phillie.
had alot of money when i went to town jus now but sadly, didnt spend it on anythin. 30 bucks to be exact. hey. im not rich. jus to be able to get 10 bucks makes me happy. imagine 30. now i too sayang to buy anythin wif it. dammit. i noe i noe. im supposed to save up to buy myself a graduation gown or blouse or somethin. n do my hair. maybe get contacts. chey. cam banyak sgt duit gitu. padahal baru 30 bucks. nvm. graduations not until de 22nd. i can save more until den. im becomin a pro at savin my money neway.
my dad n bruda jus got into a fight. over CHEESEFRIES. sigh. it goes like dis = dumb bruda bought 5 packets of cheesefries home jus now. dad ate 2. n now idiot bruda's pissed off cuz dad ate one of his. apparently hes supposed to have 2. but now he onli has 1. how freaking lame can my idiot bruda get. he slammed de doors, de plates in de kitchen, shouted, shouted, shouted. so irritating. as for my dad, he jus laughed. which of cuz pisses my bruda off, makes him slam more doors, plates n shout more, n in turn irritates me a helluva lot more. man dis is one irritating night.
oh did i forget to tell u dat me n darling took some pics together? nope. i did not. ahakz.
oh yeah. forgot sat's events. went out to eat n buy a mattress each for me n toot bruda. didnt noe mattresses were so expensive. *slow*
was wearing blink 182 tee shirt, my fave belt, three quarter pants, sandals, n alot of eyeliner. dun blame me. i like it.
neway i had to go up to my aunts hse to pass my grandmama somethin. n when i went back down, these two MATS caught sight of me n started staring. n dey kept staring while i got into de car, n dad drove off. how supremely weird. did i like, have somethin on my face?
ahakz. k lah. dats it for today. im tired n still have to eat my cheesefries. gd nite fools.
i ("v") my darling~

2004-09-30T21:54:00.000-07:00

im bored. supposed to go out to study with The Man With The Eye. but no details have been confirmed. i wonder wad time deyre going. sigh. got headache now. laterz.

2004-09-22T04:22:00.000-07:00

hello fellow freaks im back. maaf. my comp had a bit of prob, dats y i cldnt be here. neway SUGARCULT RAWKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dats a band btw. check it out pls pple. some great songs from dem r Memory, Hate Every Beautiful Day n Crying. i absolutely ADORE sugarcult. so pls pple, if u hv de time, pls pls check dem out if u dun already noe dis wonderful band.
ok im actually on my way out to kak zilah's wedding. whoo hoo!! its finally arrived. im in my orange baju kebaya [bright i noe], wif make up n all, listening to my new fave band n waiting for my mom to bang on my door so dat we can finally be on our way to woodlands. multi-tasker arent i? yes. indeed i am.
neway ill tell u guys abt de wedding tml. n ill post a pic of sugarcult too. hehe. dis morning i had my chem/phy prelim paper. mcq. was plain crap. have i ever mentioned dat i hate skl? yes. i hate skl.
ok dere goes de warning siren. gtg freaks. until tml.

2004-09-10T06:15:00.000-07:00

sorry dear frens for de long disappearance of ur beloved babe rite here. neway nth much to say. jus really disappointed wif de way things r going for me rite now. i used to be happy, u noe? now my life is de pits. wells. wadever. ill jus go thru o levels n get it over wif. hopefully wif flying colours. k lemme update on de past happenings of my life.
went back to my ol pri skl on cher's day. its new n renovated n gorgeous. really big now. met up wif izzah n went there together. den when we went inside, saw ol classmates. n my ex. hehe. sheng wei. oh wells. hes grown really tall. n de first thing he said to me when he saw me was, "Umi! i miss u!!" haha. izzah burst out laughing at dat. i played along, saying, "really? i missed u too!!" sigh. too bad nurul n haryani weren' t there. if dey had been, den our gang wldve been complete. miss em like hell. neway had a fun time taking pictures here n there. joking arnd wif de others. mira came abt 3. hung arnd de canteen for a while. met syed. hes so hensem already! haha. unfortunately we missed ikhwan n gang. idiots came early n left without waiting for us. IDIOT.
den met afiq who came out in de newspaper once wif his fam. somethin abt a big family. hes got like 6 siblings. wow.
left skl after dat n me, izzah n mira went wif afiq n dis chinese best fren of his. lemme describe dis fren. uptight. irritatingly smart. looks too deep into things. doesnt noe how to laugh. doesnt noe how to enjoy stupid jokes. puts pple down. boring. yes, its true. there is someone like dat in dis world. izzah was making fun of him mercilessly. laughing our heads off. oh yeah we went to a jurong mcdonalds to have lunch. afiq was great. never tot he cld be fun since he was like de smarty pants in our pri skl. hes grown to be quite de cutie but still really smart. his specs r like way thick. but hes cute nonetheless. hes in swiss cottage sec now. listens to french composers. cool. hes not a mat.
but his fren. sigh. i dunnoe wad to say abt him. hes so uptight. we were all makin stupid jokes n tokking crap, but hes jus down there actin all self-righteous. not to be bitchy or anything, but he kinda made us feel like we're not good enuff to be there sittin wif him or somethin. dats y izzah got so fed up. made fun of him n dissing him like mad. dun blame her. u wld be too if u had been there.
neway left abt 5 i think. somewhere arnd there. de girls went home, but de guys stayed there. dunnoe y. afiq said dat dey wanted to spend a lil time in de peace n quiet. so did dat mean while we were there, it was noisy? haha. actually yeah it was.
oh i forgot to tell u guys abt cher's day in my skl. aes. aka. boredom valley. had a dumb concert. de onli good parts were alfred's band playing. whoo~ go alfred! dey were so great. sang, guess wad? *i believe i can fly*
it was pretty good. alfred can join singapore idol really. everyone was like WOW~
phil didnt come. lil toot. his girl dance oso he never come. dunnoe wad to say. haha.
took some pics here n there. n oh yeah i had to go up on stage to give my cher a prezzie. xiwen was injured n marcel was performing wif alfred so me n siva went up. how embarrassing. all de chairpersons were to go up n give de prezzies of a red pen, a book of cards made by de students of each class, n dis pot pourri thingy. not bad for a sengket skl.
all de chairpersons had to sit in dis small passageway behind everyone else during almost de whole show. it was hot. n boring. de onli good part was dat maria, siva n sek were there. siva was playin some CHINESE song on de guitar. can u believe an indian guy's playing a chinese song? haha. sek was tokkin. me n maria were throwing bits of de ugly rug we were sitting on. yep. we had nth to do so we pulled off pieces from de rug. sigh. wad to do.
ok on to most recent events. ruzi's uncle, salihin jus got engaged to dis girl amira earlier dis week on sunday. i shall not say wad happened between me n him last time. =p its passed so hey no point in repeating it. neway yeah, glad hes found someone. went there abt 4 in de afternoon i think along wif cik lela n her daughters liyana n nurul.
lemme tell u de story of me, ruzi, liyana n nurul. we were all from de same kindergarten n our moms became frens thru dat. so de four of us grew up together. oh my bruda too. but he doesnt join de grp anymore. stupid. neway yeah so dats like 10 yrs of being frens. cool huh? however since we r all in diff sec skls now, we aren't dat close nemore. but dats ok. when we can, our moms n us try to get together. esp during hari raya. dats de best part.
neway ok dats our story. lets continue wif wad happened on sunday. went to de bride's hse rite. yeah. damn packed. few cute guys here n there. n cik yana's [ruzi's aunt in law] bruda is cute. didnt quite catch his name but hes in ite rite now. n hes 17. sigh. mat.
yeah. dats it aite. me head's clogged up rite now. neway check out de pictures of all de events above. later idiots. click here for de pics.

headache.

2004-09-04T08:12:00.000-07:00

dis time u shld fear cuz i am here. ive got a headache n its gettin worse by de second. jus finished studyin maths n physics for de day. can u believe it? de maths june paper sucks.
i really hv nth to say today. im tired, cranky n all i wanna do is slp. but wad de hell.
tml is sunday n after kelas ugama cik sal's bruda is holding his engagement ceremony. cant wait. after maghrib we're all gonna go on a big bus to de bride's hse. hehe. so fun. neway tell u toots more abt dat tml.
ok de headache is gettin worse so imma go eat n den slp. gd nite maggots.
maggots rule

belated.carnival.pics.

2004-09-03T09:29:00.000-07:00

need not fear. once agn i am here. didnt get to tell u freaks abt de boys' town carnival dat passed abt a mth ago. so let me tell u now.
it was boring. de onli good thing was de food n de random cute guys who showed up. ikhwan was supposed to come, but (surprise!) he forgot. riah forgot, too =[ but sigh. wad to do. its passed already. n yeah. had a bit of fun taking pictures at de end of de day. after photo session me farhan fizar n aini went to causeway pt i think. dunnoe wad we did there.
neway click here for de pics.

friendship.

2004-09-03T08:23:00.000-07:00

wad is a fren? a fren is someone u can always count on to be there for u whenever u need him or her. a fren is someone who will not abandon u when ure in times of need. or when dat person has found new frens or boyfren. a fren is someone who loves u even tho he or she noes ur true colours n wad ure like underneath de exterior u put up. a fren is someone who noes ur secrets n still doesnt judge u. a fren is someone who sticks up for u no matter wad, n doesnt laugh at u when other pple r. a fren wldnt try to embarrass u when ur trying to make a good impression. a fren wld help u look good. a fren wldnt give up on u even if u had given up on urself. a fren does not tok abt u behind ur back.
n when dat fren has been hurt, he or she wont take it out on her other frens. if a fren hurts a fren, de one who is hurt wld try her best to grin n bear it, becuz he or she is afraid of jeopardizing de frenship dat dey have. if a person is stressed or pressurized, his or her fren will try her best to lift his or her burden.
id tried to redeem myself n save de broken bonds of frenship. id tried to push away de hurt dat had been buried inside me for many yrs. all in de name of frenship. i pushed aside my pride for dat person. n sacrificed wad i cld so dat i cld help dat person. becuz i called dat person my fren. n i didnt want my fren to throw away everything dat she had n cld have. i tried to help her.
i didnt force de reason out of her. i felt it wasnt my business. but i knew de reason. all along i knew all de reasons for everythin dat had happened to her. but i didnt say anything. i tot, dere must be some other reason y she doesnt wanna tell me de truth. so many times she lied to me. n i didnt say anything. so many times i had to find out de truth from other pple. even DEY cld not believe i had absolutely no clue.
i dunnoe y all dis time i sabar. i sabar so much dat now i cant nemore. i cant believe she lied to me abt everything. does she think im stupid? dat id never find out de truth? now i want to noe wad is her fucking motive in lying to me all dese yrs? my own FREN. i never judged her even when i knew wad was going on. i never did. i oways tot dat she was going to thru a rough patch in her life n i shldnt rag her abt it. but for wad? my consideration for her feelings were taken advantage of n she treated me like a doormat. i cannot take it anymore. i try to help her, but wad de fuck does she give me in return? she dismisses me. jus like dat.
i dun feel like i ever lied to her. i felt i cld trust her enuff to tell her things i never told anyone. but now i dun even noe if she kept de secrets i begged her to keep, or tried to destroy me by telling other pple? i dunnoe anything anymore becuz now all i see is dat shes a big actress. everythings an act. how can i continue giving when all dat person cares abt is herself? n seriously wads her motive for not tellin me? she can tell other pple, but not ME. ME. its unbelievable.
i cant pretend anymore. i cannot continue thinking dat she is going thru rough patches in her life. one can onli go thru so many rough patches in a lifetime.
i dun care if u fuckers think im being selfish. but u dunnoe her. u dunnoe how i felt. u dunnoe wad happened. onli i noe, n i can safely say dis now: I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE.
i wont be there anymore. im not someone u can take advantage of. so fuck off.

new.layout.

2004-08-30T08:19:00.000-07:00

dun fear. mimie's here. jus finished wif my new layout. all i hv to do now is add more pics by de side to give it more life. sorry lah. cldnt resist. i saw it in blogskins n i fell in love wif it. i jus found out dat i hv microsoft frontpage on my comp. yay! now i can fiddle arnd wif it n create my own skin. hopefully i hv enuff brain power to do so.
tmls teachers day. im lookin forward to it cuz a couple of bands r playin n arz harills gonna be de MC. wif him as de MC, deres no doubt its gonna be damn fun. n funny. hes a real entertainer. no doubt he will make it big someday. alfreds bands playin too. rumor has it deyre gonna play while de "clay aiken" from last yr sings. huh. wonder wad dey gonna play. *i believe i can fly*
puke.
ive got dis real bad headache rite now. dunnoe wads de cause of it. lack of slp most prolly. cant be lack of food cuz me been eatin like a pig for de past few days. whoo~ food turns me on. hahaha. jus kidding. maybe i shld be slping now. but wad de hell.
jus saw my cuz's bloggie. didnt even noe she had one. neway saw it n whoa~ its real nice. esp de entrance thingy. kak syid how u do dat??? teach me k.
im like beyond bored.
farhans getting on my nerves. we're still not tokkin. funny. we're sittin rite next to each other n yet its as if we're in two separate worlds. i cant help feelin dis is a petty fight n if not for certain assholes, me n farhan wld still be tokkin like before rite now. its all dat idiots fault. jus cuz u dun like a person it doesnt mean u hv to totally shut dem out rite? well dats wad dat jerk tried to make me do to someone. n when i refused to play along, dat jerk gets everyone to ignore me. so fucking childish -pardon de bad language-. hes like a primary skl kid, goin arnd sayin "kite tak nak geng awak ah". so damn lame. it pisses me off beyond words to see dat jerk walkin arnd skl likes a big shot. but hes a nobody. fucking spoilt ex-montfortian brat. *pls pple spare me a minute to let off some anger*
sigh. im not supposed to bitch. sorry everyone. but he jus gets on my nerves. im afraid dat one day i mite jus walk up to his lame ass n slap him across his face rite in front of everyone. whoa~ dat tot makes me feel alot better. alot alot alot. sigh. im so bad eiy? oh wells. wad to do.
my stupid bro acted like de biggest jerk today. tried to help him wif his blog. but lo n behold, when de page disappeared, guess who he blamed? urs truly.
duh.
like as if im liable for every single mistake he does.
so ungrateful. nvm. next time aku tak tolong ah. biar padan muke kau. wahahaha. there goes my evil tots agn. seriously i shld get a hold of myself.
me gonna hv my own photography session tml. gonna bring my cam to skl n take pics of everything. cant wait! im thinkin i mite hv some kind of interest in pursuin photography. its real fun n a real art to be able to capture somethin great on film. i love gettin all my frens to pose in diff poses n take pics of certain things from diff angles. am i on to somethin here? hmmm. maybe ill go for photography if mass comm falls thru. wait. is mass comm together wif photography? hmmm. no idea.
other den these two things, i hv absolutely no clue wad im going to do if i get to poly. hopefully i do. cant let my parents n myself down. neway i dunnoe wad else i cld go for. maybe creative media design. but wad is dat neway? dat reminds me. i was supposed to go to some SP tour thingy. but no word of it. sigh. disappointing.
only realized dat i had hw at abt 1030 lidat. i rushed thru de whole thing so of cuz it sucks. ohh. its a newspaper article btw. abt some crap 4.44 shop closin down n nobody buyin anythin. so lame. but oh wells.
havent tokked to phil in so long. not on de fone, not on msn n not in skl. guess hes busy wif his girl or somethin. oh wells. wadever.
both ikhwan n izwan didnt come online today. yep. u guessed it. majorly B-O-R-I-N-G. hmm except for riah of cuz. hehe. thanks sis!
funny how i actually depend on ikhwan n izwan for company. up till two days ago i wasnt even tokkin to ikhwan. n up till a week or two ago, i wasnt even tokkin to izwan.
btw. ikhwan wrote me a really nice testimonial on friendster. here it is.

wAnsai, 08/29/2004:
Hello Mimi Darling!!~wahaha
Wah~gambar lawa seh.Pompan cam kau mmg sempadan
ngn aku tau..WaHahA!!
~K MiZ mm nie orgnye peramah, baik,lawa n funny
sometimes.Dier suke p gig tapi takpena p ngn aku.Sombong!!
..haha~Dier tak suke mat2 minah2 aku pon tak tau asl??
Tak salah pe jadi mat2 n minah2.Tapi takper lah aslkan
dier bahagie.English aku improve psl dier ah tak abis2
berbual org putih samer aku..HaHa!ThankX!!
Jng sedih2 tau i noe u still heart broken.But dun worry I am here 4 u
ahakz!!K lah perot dah mengamok nie lom bagi mkn2 lagik.
Hope we can be friends 4eVa!!

haha. real sweet eh? didnt expect somethin so nice from him. thanks wan~ =] he really made my day ytd wif de testi. dunnoe y. i mean its pretty simple. hmm. maybe cuz i jus didnt expect somethin lidat from him. haha. yeah dat cld be it.
neway lemme try somethin aite.

("v")i love myself("v")

wow! so nice! haha. thanks adam. but sadly cannot use these things for pictures. dammit. haha. nvm. shall ask him tml.
k lah. tired. me gonna spread de cheer n go to slp. bye fags.
gooD nitE

so.damn.boring.

2004-08-29T05:33:00.000-07:00

never fear. cuz i am here. im so bored. gimme somethin to do bloggie!!! argh. unfortunately its not de end of de nite yet, so i cant write any ish yet. sigh. time goes by so slowly when ur having "fun". k lah. me gonna be a good girl n cook myself some dinner firs. be back later. mmmm. yuM! maggie noodles n chilli sauce!
later maggots.
*btw pple dun take de name callin to heart. im jus playin. but if u really wanna think urself maggots or freaks or faggots n get offended, i have nth to say.*

my favourite song.

2004-08-28T10:59:00.000-07:00

my favourite song, aka de song dats playing now. sing along kids. n after dat u can read my entry.

"Nobody's Home"

I couldn't tell you
why she felt that way
She felt it everyday
And I couldn't help her
I just watched her make
the same mistakes again
What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
where she belongs

She wants to go home
but nobody's home
It's where she lies, broken inside
With no place to go, no place to go
to dry her eyes
Broken inside

Open your eyes
and look outside
find a reason why
You've been rejected
and now you can't find
what you left behind
Be strong, be strong now
Too many, too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
where she belongs

She wants to go home
but nobody's home
It's where she lies, broken inside
With no place to go, no place to go
to dry her eyes
Broken inside

Her feelings she hides
Her dreams she can't find
She's losing her mind
She's fallen behind
She can't find her place
She's losing her faith
She's fallen from grace
She's all over the place

Yeah,oh
She wants to go home
but nobody's home
It's where she lies, broken inside
With no place to go, no place to go
to dry her eyes
Broken inside

She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah

stupid.

2004-08-28T10:15:00.000-07:00

have no fear. for i am here. two days gone without me paying a visit to my dear bloggie. sorry lah. no time.
where have i been de past two days? lets see. hmmm. nowhere. was jus basically watching tv, reading, or daydreaming. yup. my daily routine. exciting much? wait till u hear wad i did today.
today i woke up, bathed n went to skl. totally looking like a damn minah. a minah wif specs but a minah nonetheless. had my hair in dat butterfly clip wif my fringe flopping across my forehead. i have to say i love dat look. neway skl didnt last long n i went to JE library after dat. cool place. actually wanted to sit there n study. but too many freaks were dominating de tables n stuff. unfortunately today there was no deejay on de cute lil stage, but who needs a deejay in a library neway. oh rite. i do.
replaced my library card - which i lost together wif my whole wallet at cck stadium - n paid my fines. now im free to borrow any book i wan. yay! got some SVH Senior Year books n dis hardback called Simon Says. finally i get to read somethin i havent read before.
on de way home while i was in de 176 bus, dese two MINI-MATS (forgive me my fren for borrowing u n deepan's words) who werent very mini at all sat somewhere in front of me. i say dey werent very mini at all becuz dey r tall, but have de faces of kids. no doubt dey will grow up to be hensem. when dey grow up lah. neway dey kept lookin at me. for dunnoe wad reason. n when i got off de bus, i accidentally-on-purpose looked at dem, n dere dey were! staring at me! like, do i hv something on my face? made me feel so self-conscious.
so when i got home, settled into my favourite arm chair for some reading time. ended up napping for an hr. woke up n did my history. WOW!
dat lasted all of one hr tho. after hist went to sembahyang n den went to de living room to read somemore n to watch Sephia. de guy wif orange hair is seriously cute.
sigh. life is so boring. nobody msged me or anything. im like, lonely. deres jus nth to do anymore, except...study. but i cant even do dat for more den one hr. den how?
was supposed to go to some barbecue thing at ecp tonite wif aini n her outside frens. her far east clan. but well of cuz my mom wldnt allow. plus i didnt really feel like going. it doesnt feel rite going out n havin fun when exams r so near. n besides i dun really noe dat far east clan very well.
old mike. only met him once n he struck me as a guy who initially had a great future in front of him. unfortunately he was involved wif gangsterism n got kicked out of de law firm he was working at. he was saying somethin abt being able to get his law degree. but oh well. he doesnt really have to i guess. from wad i see hes quite de rich fella. old mike. he isnt really old. but if u saw him ud think he was. but hes a nice guy. very friendly.
kak zilah's wedding's next mth. still so long from now n yet here i am looking forward to it like nobody's business. its gonna be so fun even tho i mite get blisters on my feet from walkin arnd too much in high heels. im like super excited for de big event.
btw sis. RIAH! thanks alot for everythin u hv done for me. when i was at my lowest u were there all de way! seriously thanks ah girl. n remember if u ever need me for anythin, jus call me or msg me k. ill try my best to help u. n no u havent been caught up wif ur own probs at all. IVE been caught up wif MY probs. n im sorry for bein so selfish all dis while. i promise to be there for u whenever u need me k? muah!
farhan n fizar piss me off. sigh. its still hard to believe me n farhan arent frens nemore. its so weird to sit in class n not sing wif him n stuff. im gonna miss him.
not fizar tho. y does he always have to act like hes better den everyone? always looking down on other pple. eh hello boy! gi tengok diri kau pat cermin dulu sebelum pandang rendah pat org lain wokey! [means "go look at urself in de mirror before lookin down on others"]
okay. i dun wanna bitch. n i will not. so ill jus drop dis subject.
jus chatted wif ikhwan. de toot wrote me a testimonial but forgot to save it. haha. dat was funny. neway when i asked him to write me a new one dat liar told me his internet explorer got prob but when i went to his friendster page agn he'd approved de testi i wrote for him. liar. oh well. he promised to get it done by tml so i shld take his word for it. he is after all my fren. n neway if he doesnt write me one, ill pester him till he does. so no worries.
i jus visited my bloggie jus now n finally heard de song from de template. nobody's home. avril lavigne. really cool song. totally reflects how i feel rite now. actually most of avril songs reflects wad i feel. like my happy ending. love dat song. thanks avril. im still ur supporter even tho my frens pretend ur a poser. i dunnoe de real story n honestly i dun care. i really like ur music n i dun care if pple say u suck jus cuz dey said u auditioned as britney spears or somethin.
seriously pple r so superficial. who cares if avril really did audition as britney or somethin? wad matters is her music is great. do pple jus wan a reason to hate her? its so dumb. how can u jus stop liking someone's music jus cuz u think shes a poser? isnt de music more impt? i really dun get it. dat time i was tokkin to phil, who used to be CRAZY abt avril(he got pissed off at me when i gave my avril concert tix to benjamin cuz i was down wif chickie pox), n i was sayin how i like my happy ending. he was like "haiya shes a fucking poser lah. did u noe dat she auditioned as britney spears? skater my ass lah she." hypocrite. he totally chickened out cuz other pple dun like avril nemore jus cuz of stupid gossip. sigh. stupid pple.
sigh. im going on n on. y? cuz im bored. like i totally need a life.
gonna go slp now. gd nite freaks.

waiting. hoping. failing.

2004-08-26T06:28:00.000-07:00

fear not. i am here. theres no more reason for me to be happy. cuz life jus fucking sucks. im so damn pissed off i cld punch something, but dats too much for me. hmmm. y does life suck u ask?
well lets see. i have no prince charming. my prelims r coming in 2 weeks n i havent started shit. i feel like i dun even hv any real frens anymore. me n farhan r still not tokking. i feel so damn trapped inside my own emotions n i cant escape. im practically suffocating in all de tension ive built up for myself.
i keep wishing n hoping for someone to sweep me off my feet into the sunset but all my efforts seem to be in vain. im still as hopelessly alone as i was a mth ago. no. i am not desperate. i jus wan someone i can really connect wif. so far nobody has. i feel like screaming everytime i see couples strolling by me happily. no wait. i jus feel like killing dem.
as time goes by i feel more n more dead. nth can awaken me anymore. unless my prince charming can breathe life into me once agn. but no ones coming. im still alone.
i hv absolutely no one to turn to. my so called frens abandoned me now dat dey hv their own. i am nth to dem now. my existence doesnt even register in their minds.
found out somethin dat hurt me alot today. i dun wish to say it here. reasons for wad goes on in dis twisted lil mind is to be kept confidential at all costs. unless i wish to say it here.
*cuz im broken when im lonesome*
my day was horrendous. the highest point was when i got back my english essay n discovered i got 23/30, n when de bell for end of skl rang. but, after skl theres still de torture of history to go thru for de next hour. so i sit. n i dream. nth in class excites me. nth in skl makes me happy.
*nth but fake smiles*
fake smiles n laughs r all dat gets me thru de day. but mostly i jus sit n stare at de pple whom i call my frens make jokes n talk non stop. i long for real frens. n for pple to see me as ME. n not some geeky-looking girl wif no aim in life. at least dats wad pple think of me as. wad do they know anyway? dey r nth but sad-ass liars. dey lie to themselves n to other pple as well. fooling everyone into thinking dey r so cool n good looking. when actually deyre not. n yet dey love to label pple like me. these labels i do not wish to say here.
oddly my best fren rite now is my bloggie. i can tell it anything i wan n nth can stop me. n honestly i jus dun care nemore if pple read dis ish. cuz dis is my life n my feelings. dey SHLD noe how i feel. neway my bloggie never judges me n is always there whenever i need it. just to be able to pour out my feelings makes me feel safe n happy. dat is how big of an impact dis bloggie has made on me.
walking back home i think of HIM. n all de good times we had. i cannot say i regret a single moment of it. not even de breakup. i guess its for de best. God doesnt wan us together, so wad can i do? neway if its meant to be, ill noe later on in life. but until den, i have to go on wif life. i believe deleting him from my msn is a good thing. wads de pt of hurting myself wif seeing his nicks on my screen? since we r not together nemore, we mite as well not be frens. cuz dat will make me feel worse. i cannot say dat im not sad de breakup happened. n yet i cannot say dat im happy either. i guess im sort of in between. i think maybe i jus miss having someone to call my own. yeah. dats it.
i guess dis is one of de major turning pts in my life. having to cope wif breakups n exams n frenship probs is not as easy as u think. de o levels for me is like a fork in my path dat will determine whether i will make it or break it. wad i hv to do now is work hard. but wad am i doing? slacking arnd in front of my comp writing bullshit. ok sorry. its not bullshit. my words r all i hv now. if i cant say it out, ill write it out. my words r my way of expressing myself n my feelings.
despite wad u pple may think, im not depressed. clinically depressed i mean. im jus so stressed out rite now. n i dunnoe how to cope. my parents think im not afraid of my o levels. but dey r dead wrong. dey dunnoe how i lay awake at nite thinking abt how i can salvage my education. how to make dem proud agn. dey dunnoe anything. yet dey want to judge me. dis is de thing wif humans. forever judging a person by her exterior, n not her interior. pls lah. how can i not be afraid? how can i not care? i wan to succeed as badly as dey wan me to. i jus dunnoe where to start dats all. theres so much to do n onli two mths left for me to do it. is there enuff time? i dunnoe. will i be able to do it? i dunnoe. help.
here i am crying out for help to my bloggie. like as if dat will do me much good. however if u look closely u mite be able to infer de meaning of dat help. lemme explain.
calling out for help to a bloggie is as good as calling out for help to a wall. therefore it means dat im calling out for help but nobody is listening. de small letters of dat "help" indicate how small my voice is compared to de other pple who r shouting their way thru life. de fullstop in place of an exclamation mark shows a monotonous tone which implies dat i hv no more life in me.
damn. im getting good at all dis inference ish. thank u mr chiu.
neway. i gtg. i leave u martians wif dis song.

"Broken"

i wanted you to know
i love the way you laugh
i wanna hold you high
and steal your pain away
i keep your photograph
i know it serves me well
i wanna hold you high
and steal your pain

'cause i'm broken
when i'm open
and i don't feel like i am strong enough
'cause i'm broken
when i'm lonesome
and i don't feel light when you're gone away

the worst is over now
and we can breathe again
i wanna hold u high
and steal your pain
there's so much left to learn
& no one left to fight
i wanna hold u high
and steal ur pain

'cause im broken
when im open
and i dont feel like i am strong enough
'cause im broken
when im lonesome
and i dont feel right when you're gone away
'cause im broken
when im open
and i dont feel like i am strong enough
'cause im broken
when im lonesome
and i dont feel light when you're gone away

2004-08-25T04:57:00.000-07:00

well..here i am agn..im bored bored bored..no one to tok to on de fone nemore..so sad..haha..it was onli a couple of weeks ago dat i was tokkin to phil..but oh well..gettin bored of dat too..haha..herman will never call..dunnoe y..cld be hes shy..haha..
for once i actually tried to open up to someone, by tellin him stories abt me n stuff..but its jus my luck dat de person is de type who doesnt respond rite?? haha..buang current..neway we're currently not really tokkin..we jus dun click lah..
neway..im tryin so hard not to think abt dat someone someone..but its almost impossible..n dat sucks..haizz..i duwanna tok abt dat nemore..
prelims r in two weeks..n i still havent started..wth??? dunnoe where to start..did one qn in social studies n dats it..maybe a bit of history n physics..btw physics practical is so fun..haha..chem sucks cuz de teacher sucks..
im so bored!!!!!!
jerome msged me last nite..haha..asking de stupidest qn.."how do u say pretty n handsome in malay?" haha..stupid..he dun hv other malay frens issit?? amar wad seh? indian ah?? waste my 10 cents onli..hahaha..usually i wont be dis stingy wif my prepaid money but dis is jerome we're tokkin abt..HE himself is waste..=x im being mean, but sorry lahh..cant help it lah..
me n farhan got into a fight today..quarrel lah..all becuz of dat fizar..haizz..becuz of dat jerk i lost one good fren..me n farhan not on tokkin terms ledy..dunnoe how long it'll last, but hopefully not long ah..dunnoe lah..he prolly hates me..
n no shiqin we weren't fightin cuz of u..dun worry..
dammit lahh..i dunnoe wad to do here..no more inspirational stories ledyyy..haizzz..i think im gonna go watch a movie or somethin lahhh..ciaozzzz..
XxxxXxxxX

2004-08-22T08:25:00.000-07:00

omg omg omg..cld it be true??? cld i really be blogging rite now??? is it true dat im finally in dis damn thing??? whooooo hoooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
omg..de past MONTH without my bloggie has been pure hell..haha..i had no one to run to when i was down!!! hehe..missed my juju so much!!!!!
ok back to business..last monday farhan bought me a new bag!!! yay!! a real nice von dutch one..put some pins on it n it was perfect!!! it was supposed to be a bday present..belated one lah of cuz..haha..not dat i was buggin him or anythin..=p
k..jus came back from jewellery shopping n dinner wif my fam jus now..had another long tok wif my mom in de car while we were waitin for my dad n bruda to finish sembahyang..went to masjid sultan btw..its gorgeous..neway me n my mom were tokkin abt how my dads blacklisted in de family..not immediate family..i mean like my uncles n stuff..hmmm..i feel so damn bad rite now..cuz recently ive been gettin kinda irritated wif him..n i was so mean..feel so bad cuz my mom said hes really hurt abt dat whole blacklisted thing..i mean, hes a nice guy ok..n very responsible..not like certain uncles i noe..=x but my dad really is a great guy..its jus dat he has a temper, n hes very outspoken..its how God made him, n i think dats his own specialty u noe..to be able to speak ur mind..haizz..wish dey'd all jus stop scrutinizing him n give him a chance..i noe sometimes he can be quite irritating when hes scolding scolding scolding..but dats jus him..if u look behind de surface hes actually a real nice guy..
found out wad a total *toot* my aunt is..shes selfish..inconsiderate..n fuckin hell loves to make up crap abt pple..like hello..get a life..crapp..i duwanna hate anyone..but pple outside there r makin it hard for me not to..ok i dun hate her lahh..im jus very pissed off wif her for makin up stuff abt my dad..dat *toot*..haha..censoring de words make me feel better..
jus now went to raffles hospital banquet..was so pissed off..no not cuz of my aunt, but becuz of a few FREAKS who cant keep their eyes to demselves..there were these two guys, a girl in tudung, n another girl..dey were sittin at a table for four..n me n my fam jus walked in..de moment i stepped in de foor de fucked up four turned n stared..so irritating..den when i was gonna buy food dey stared agn..i sighed..den when i was walkin back, dey sighed, imitating me..like, wtf?? got no life issit these pple??? so wad if i was dressed kinda weird??? [was wearin blink 182 tee shirt, jeans, studded belt, seventeen bracelets, black chuck taylors n a whole lotta eyeliner n mascara] dey have no bloody rite to act so bloody superior..even my bruda noticed their idioticness..den my mom was like helpin out cuz i was practically fuming there..she was like "org low iq memang macam gitu.." really loudly..n i was like "pakai tudung tapi perangai macam setan" to de girl in tudung..so irritating sial..luckily got a bunch of cute guys in identical blue jerseys sittin at de table in front of ours..now if DEY stared [which dey did] i wouldnt mind cuz deyre guys n deyre cute..but dis is girls we're tokkin abt..well..girls n guys lah..but still got girls..haizzz..some pple jus got no life but wanna find fault wif other pple..satu hari kau tau ah nasib kau..no im not gonna pick a fight wif dem..haha..ill jus leave it to GOD..iill jus sabar in de meantime..
im learnin to sabar..its not easy tho, wif certain pple arnd..certain pple who insult others like mad..without lookin in de mirror at demselves first..onli noe how to shoot out spiteful words n bragging..some pple r jus so irritating..
ohh..i deleted iman from my msn, n my hp..cant bear to have him in any part of my life lahh..two stupid out-of-de-blue smses from him messed me up so much..imagine a whole convo wif him? i actually tried to be frens wif him once..i unblocked him..n said hie..he didnt reply..dat dampened my spirits n jus made me wanna cut him out of my life at all costs..so i did..de funny thing is dat i actually feel better..its alot better to be able to go online n not worry abt seein him there even tho i blocked him..i dunnoe lah..for some reason deletin him jus made me feel safe..safe from wad i dunnoe..probably pain..
its better dis way lahh..n i noe he thinks so too..since he didnt reply me in de first place..dat kinda hurt me lahh..i mean he was de one who msged me, den suddenly unblock me..den when i try to tok to him, he ignores me..he gave me weird signals lah..i hate feelin confused ok..
so wad better thing to do but dis? im thru hoping nemore lahh..theres nth for me dats wif him anymore..n i noe he'd wan me to get on wif my life instead of always waitin for him..huh..dun worry lah iman..i wont disturb u nemore..will be glad not to..jus pls dun tok to me anymore..at all..itll onli cause me more pain..n i dun think i cld take anymore of dat..i noe u cldnt care less abt me..but i still care abt myself, n i wanna take care of myself..so i guess dis is de rite thing to do..nope im not tryin to lay on de guilt..so dun anyhow accuse me k..
yeah..sometimes i do feel like i miss him..but im thinkin dat maybe i dun miss HIM..maybe i jus miss havin someone there..yeah..i think dats it..neway theres still alot of time to fall in love lahh..so y rush? im onli 16 lah beb..if one doesnt work out, it doesnt mean its de end of de world..ive got alot to worry abt wif de o lvls wifout addin boyfren probs to it neway..
ooohhh yeah..got to noe dis guy herman from aini a few days ago..kinda cute..but not my type..drinker, partyer..definitely not for me lah..i wan someone good..into religion..doesnt drink or party..smoke i dun care ledy..since im practically one neway..=x
i watched dis show called Gila Gila Pengantin Remaja n it was so sweet..de guy was geeky but de girl was real pretty..u peeps out there shld watch it ok!!
cant wait for kak zilah's wedding!!!! bought dis great new BLUE dress[kebaya thingy] n i love it!!! haha..cant wait to wear it..neway its another happy family occassion..n i love family occassions so definitely im lookin forward to it..n i looooovvvveeee weddings..dunnoe y..cld it be cuz of de free food?? hehe..maybe..or de possibilities of boy watching?? hmmm..maybe dat too..hehe..or maybe its cuz of de fact dat i get to wear my tight baju kebaya n act pretty..hahahahahaha..cld be so..=p
abg fyzz went to ns ledy..=[ so sad..he went on de 19th..now TWO MINUTES LATE wont be playin anymore..dunnoe lahh..maybe dey'll get a new bassist..but i doubt it..so sad..
ok lahhh..typed practically everythin goin on in my head dat id been keepin for so long ledy..gtg now..tired..ciaozzz..
XxxxXxxxX

2004-07-13T05:12:00.000-07:00

Dashboard Confessional - Vindicated

Hope dangles on a string
like slow-spinnin redemption
winding in, n winding out
de shine of it has caught my eye
it roped me in so
mesmerizing n so hypnotizing
n i am captivated
n i am

vindicated
i am selfish i am wrong
i am rite i swear im rite
swear i knew it all along
n i am flawed but i am cleaning up so well
i am seeing in me now
de things u swore u saw urself

so clear
like de diamond in ur ring
cut to mirror ur intention
oversized n overwhelmed
de shine of which has caught my eye
rendered me so isolated so
motivated n i am certain now
dat i am

vindicated
i am selfish i am wrong
i am rite i swear im rite
swear i knew it all along
n i am flawed but im cleaning up so well
i am seeing in me now
de things u swore u saw urself

2004-07-12T08:46:00.000-07:00

been so long since i last blogged..so many things to tell u..i think im gonna have a name for u now..u, as in, my trustworthy blog..erm..bloggie?? nawww dat doesnt suit u..i think Juju's a good name tho..haha..dunnoe y..got it from a book i read a few months back..
juju, i have so many things to tell u..so many things happened in de few days ive disappeared from de internet world..sorry abt dat, folks..after de breakup wif u-noe-who i kinda didnt feel like comin online cuz i wld onli be reminded of u-noe-who..but its been a week n im glad to say dat im over it..i blocked him, n i feel alot better..can u believe it? it never occurred to me dat id be happy blocking him..HIM..de one whom i tot had brightened up my life for de past eleven months..well four mths onli lah actually..but 11 if u count last yr..well wadever..its over now..no use counting de days, rite juju..
ok enuff abt dat..SQUAD is officially back in business!!!!!!!!! whoo hooo!!!!! yepp..onli minus ben pow..hahaha..so now its me, fizar, aini, farhan..yay! our plan is to meet everyday before skl at de study area..n hang out after skl..when possible..n every friday, if possible, we'll go to coffee bean..jus like de good ol' days..hehe..
juju!!!!! ikwan sound me stead ytd..haha..dat boi really doesnt waste any time..haha..it was damn funny..it goes somethin like dis..de one in de [] is wad im thinkin as i read dat particular line..

him: so u ok lah now?
me: y wld i not be ok?
him: haha..ckp melayu lah..tak faham..[dumbo]
me: erm..asal pulak aku tak ok..aku tak tahu translate lah..
him: haha..sebab hari tu kan kau tak ok..aru break..
[n it continues until finally...]
him: so dah berape lame single?
me: erm..i think 1 week..wahahaha..
him: haha..aku pun single tau..tapi aku dah lamer..lamer giler..
me: haha kau yg tak nak cari girl per..
him: haha..aku single kau single..hehe..duer2 single..[nak step cute konon]
me: uh huh..den?
him: hehe..=]
me: ape? tersengeh2..haha..
him: haha..cam tak tahu jer..
me: ehh memang tak tahu..[yeah rite]
him: haha..y so deng??!! tu pun tak tahu..[dumbo]
me: ye lah aku deng lah..takpe..
him: pi check lah..
me: huh? check ape?
him: tak tahu..haha..stead wif me?
me: huh? check stead wif u? [step bodoh]
him: haha..step bodoh jer..[...]
me: haha abeh kau ckp tak clear..
him: stead wif me??!!! haha..yes??
me: oh so u askin me to stead wif u? tanye lah betul2..
him: haha..betul lah..
me: ohh..so betul lah nie..betul? betul betul?? [haha stupid]
him: tol2..
me: err..i tot u say u duwan girl..dat girls r too leceh..
him: cant trust pple by their word..kan kan kan??
me: ohhh..u lie to me ehh..sampai hati..
him: haha..bukan lie2..jus play2 jer..[ape dah]
me: hahaha[-_-"]
him: single kan? me single gak tau..
me: haha..how many times u wan tell me..i noe..
him: haha..nak bagi answer per??
me: haha neway kalau kau betul2 serious, i think it wld be better if we get to noe each other better first ah
him: eh?? boleh ehk?? serious ehk??
me: but not stead yet lahh..i duwan to rush into anythin ah..nanti macam si iman..[i didnt really mean dat lah, we rushed but we had a great time together]
him: haha dari dulu..stead wif me..noe each other tak nak..
me: eh hello..dat time u got girl ok..[see wad a bastard he was]
him: i broke up per? [erm did he?]
me: ok heres de deal..kalau u betul2 serious, we wont be stead yet..we get to noe each other firs..so its like..unofficial..get it?
him: yeah..anything..ok wif me..[a tad more enthusiasm wld be good]
[later on...]
me: ehhh y u tell me u duwan girl ah? u liar
him: iyer ker?? tat one not me ah..lain org kot?
me: hahaha dun bedek lahhh
him: sometimes cam leceh..sometimes cam nk ader stead..
me: den y u ask me for stead? weirdo [wahahahah]
him: i wait 4 u...[awww]
me: y?
him: just waiting..
me: y? i dun think im ur type
him: haha..me take risk...

haha so dats it..so funny..de last line abit dumbo..wad he mean he take risk??? haizz..mats.. well, to be truthful, i dun think its gonna work out..we're too different..hes so..MAT..n im so..ME..hahaha..but one thing dat touched me, is dat he really waited for me..i didnt believe him when he told me he was waitin for me..n dat was like 4 mths ago..4 mths is a pretty long time for a guy like him..n i have dis weird feelin dat he wldve waited longer if me n iman had lasted longer..weird ehh..neway i think its really sweet ahh..but i dunnoe ahh..hes jus too mat..n as u noe, i dun trust mats..dun ask me y..i jus dun..
but i guess im willin to try n get to noe him better..who noes in de future my feelins mite change..i doubt it..but who noes..haizz..
am i rushin into things agn? no..im merely gettin to noe him..nth wrong wif dat..ok..
well..i really shld go..its almost 1 am in de mornin..gettin tired from de medication..ciaozzzz..
XxxxXxxxX

2004-07-09T07:30:00.000-07:00

sorry didnt come back ytd..was damn sick..sowie dudey!!! went to de doctor ytd nite..gave me an mc for today..haha..didnt go skl today..whoo hoo!! was heaven bein at home slpin..missed 3 periods of english n 2 of malay..thank GOD..
neway yeah as i was sayin..im not sad anymore..i jus realized i need someone who can appreciate me too..all dis while ive been de one doin de appreciatin, n hes kinda been takin me for granted..even my fren told me so..n i oso realized dat even tho i knew wad i said wld piss him off, i kept goin..y? cuz i wanted to see exactly how serious he was wif me..in a way, it was a test..de more i said those things to him, de more pissed off he wld get..i was sorta daring him to break up wif me..i guess i kinda knew de ans before i did it..n i realized im better off..i dun need him anymore..dis love has been takin its toll on me, n i didnt even realize it..
my specs r suddenly buggin me agn..i wanna work on my image, n dat means gettin rid of de damn things..for now ill jus stick to wearin dem when i absolutely have to..when i go out, off wif em..i dun wanna look like a bloody geek anymore..haha..when ive saved up enuff money, im gonna get myself contacts..de monthly cheap ones cost $19.90..de yrly ones cost $100+ i guess..
ohh i just realized dat dashboard confessional really rawks!!! u can see their icons on de right of my blog..de lead singer is soooo cute!!
ok im really hungry rite now..gtg..ciaozzzz..
XxxxXxxxX

2004-07-08T03:33:00.000-07:00

i feel like a totally new person..im soooo not sad anymore..yay!!!! i jus realized dat if hes not willing to make it work, den im not..if hes able to get a replacement so fast, den so can i..ive had enuff of waitin for pple..esp him..SICK of it..im jus gonna wait for de perfect person to come along..
jus had my damn oral today..i scared i wont do well sial..i said crap..too nervous..n everytime i look at de cikgu, she seems to be laughing at me..hahaha..so disheartening..but my fault lah..my answers like crap..damn u fizar for doin well..he claims he did well neway..farhan too..
den after de oral, me, farhan, shiqin n fizar took de 176 bus n stopped at westmall..shiqin went home n me farhan n fizar went to eat at burger king..farhan belanja!!!! whooo hooo!!! hahaha..
neway i dun think im goin to skl tml..been sick for de past two days, but still been goin to skl..damn u farhan..pass me ur damn wabak..idiot..haha..
ill cerita more later..now gonna go slp..ciaozzz..
XxxxXxxxX

2004-07-05T06:45:00.000-07:00

i lied ytd..when i said dat i was totally over him(sort of)..i lied n i didnt even noe it..u see..i was in denial..or maybe i was in a state of shock..i dunnoe..but today de pain of losin him jus suddenly surfaced..but it doesnt hurt as much as it did de first time..dat first time(earlier in june) was like whoaaaa..it was horrible..i cldnt eat..i cldnt slp..i jus cried n cried n cried..but dis time..i didnt really cry dat much..jus a few seconds..cuz i miss him..
no matter how much i tell myself hes not worth it..not worth my tears, or my pride..i still miss him..jus now when i was wif his teammates for de movie thingy..i was reminded agn n agn of him..i was reminded of all de times id gone for movies wif dem..while i was wif HIM..n suddenly not to have him there was jus so different..n difficult..den when i was going home, i was reminded dat i was supposed to be wif him tonite for de montfiesta thing..was really lookin forward to seein him agn..but now its all lost..
11 mths..jus lidat..it went down de drain..i cant believe it..de longest ive been wif someone..was it a waste? i dunnoe..*dun cry becuz it ended..smile becuz it happened* i dunnoe whether to agree..or disagree..it seems to me like if it wasnt going to work out, it mite as well not happen..*maybe GOD wans us to meet a few wrong pple first so dat when we meet de rite one, we will noe how to treasure dem* yeah maybe..well..if anythin dis relationship has taught me alot of things..i learnt de most from iman..n i jus cant help wishing dat it had worked out..
who else can open me up dat way? who else can i be so comfortable wif? who else can i trust wif my family probs n secrets..? wif whom else can i share everything in my life..? i really hate myself when i think abt how i mite have hurt him wif my crap..so maybe dis is for de best..he has tolerated me long enuff..11 mths to be exact..i dunnoe how he did it..mus salute ahh..
y am i even botherin wif someone who obviously doesnt bother abt me..hes blockin me for goodness sake..he vented his anger on me..told me to leave him alone..said mean things to me..i tahan-ed all dis..but where does it get me? nowhere..i shldve jus ended it earlier..haizz..i say dis, but i noe i wldnt be able to do it..im too weak for my own good..or maybe its cuz i jus didnt wanna lose him..so i always did my best to hold on..
but now i noe de truth..he'd jus been hopin, n waitin for me to dump him..so dat i wldnt be hurt if he dumped me..he'd TOT he still loved me..but in truth he jus felt SORRY for me..god i feel so stupid..y did i bother to write dat stupid email??? i jus made everythin worse..for him n for me as well..fark it..
a month ago i was so happy..so so very happy..n i noe he was too..but i ruined everything..now his feelings for me have changed..but mine - i think dey still remain..
i wld do anything..ANYTHING..to get these stupid feelings to fade away..im tryin as hard as i can to forget him..n i mite be succeeding..but i dunnoe yet..
how can life jus suddenly change..from bein soooo happy..to sooo depressed..all in a blink of an eye..it seems impossible..but it happened..
im not an idiot..i noe theres no more chance of gettin back together wif him..i dun even noe if i wan to anymore neway..i can FEEL its over..n i can FEEL theres no hope..
GOD..pls help me to get over him..im halfway there..guide me thru de rest of de way..n may i find someone more understanding for me..
heres a nice song..

Busted - Meet You There

I'm waitin for de perfect time to call u back
cuz i remember sayin
dun wanna noe de truth cant handle dat

n i tried to jus forget u
but i dunnoe how
if onli i knew

Its written all over ur face
such a painful thing to waste
tell me now where do we go
now de future's not so clear
i cant believe we've ended here
where's de world dat doesnt care
maybe i cld meet u there

I'm sorry if i slagged u down
i meant to no harm
but when i heard de stories
said things i didnt mean
shldve stayed calm

but sadly u got angry
n it breaks me heart
ure so mad at me

its written all over ur face
such a painful thing to waste
tell me now where do we go
now de futures not so clear
i cant believe we've ended here
wheres de world dat doesnt care
maybe i cld meet u there

2004-07-04T07:37:00.000-07:00

well..me n iman broke up..again..but dis time..im not gonna hold any hope dat we're gettin back together..cuz WE'RE OVER..hes not de onli one whose feelings changed..haizz..
i didnt cry ytd when we broke up..when he told me not to cry, i was thinkin to myself, "ok den"..haha..weird huh..but it dun mean im not sad..i am..a bit..jus kinda disappointed..cuz i never tot he'd be de type to say things dat he dun mean..like when he said i was de love of his life..i believed him for goodness sake..but oh well..its over now..i guess i knew wad was gonna happen before it happened..i mean, i cld see he was treatin me differently..i tried to tell him, but he said he didnt feel anythin diff..n we didnt really go out..or even tokked on de fone..jus tokked online..n dats totally not enuff to keep a relationship going..
i noe for a fact hes moved on by now..prolly has another girl on his mind already..dat hurts, but i dun give a shit nemore..hes not worth my time..thanks iman for de wonderful 4 mths dat u gave me..but i noe its time to move on..i noe u dun lyk me anymore..n dats ok..ure a great guy most of de time, but other times, u can be a pain in de ass..but hey, arent we all??
i noe ur blockin me..so obvious..but dun be lame lah k? we can still be frens rite..yes..FRENS..so u can stop blocking me lah k..im not gonna beg u anymore..i pushed aside my pride for u..n dis is wad u give me..so forget it..
i dun mean to be bitter..but its so unfair..for de first time in my life, i pushed aside my pride for someone..n where does it all leave me? in de dumps..agn..im so sick of it..i duwan to rush into another relationship anymore lahhh..it doesnt get me anywhere..
im jus gonna concentrate on my studies now..n if any guy's interested, setakat dating jer ahhh.. i need to really get to noe de guy first before goin into anythin..i duwan things to end up like me n iman..dun get me wrong..i had a GREAT time wif him..n i dun regret a single minute of it..but de guy didnt noe my ups n downs when he said he loved me..n i wan de guy to NOE, n to still love me for it..same goes for me..i wanna noe how de guy's like..
rite now..i miss him..i hate to admit it..but i miss him..n im gonna miss him for de next few days..but its ok..i noe ill get over it..
haha..im goin out wif crystal n some of de montfort boys for a movie tml..im not gonna avoid dem jus cuz me n iman broke up..im gonna have some fun of my own..n neway dey said i cld come, so HEEEECCCCKKK..if iman there, den too bad..haha..me n crystal plannin to take photos wif dem n stuff..hahaa..neway..yeah..ill update more on dat tml..dunnoe if its gonna be any fun..n im hopin it will get my mind off certain things..or..certain SOMEONE..
neway heres a great song..i luuurrrrvvveee it..it reflects EXACTLYYYY wad im feelin rite now..

Avril Lavigne - My Happy Ending

Let's talk dis over
it's not like we're dead
was it somethin i did
was it somethin u said
don't leave me hangin
in a city so dead
held up so high on such a breakable thread

U were all de things i tot i knew
n i tot we cld be

*ChOrUs*
U were everythin, everythin dat i wanted
we were meant to be, supposed to be but we lost it
n all of de memories so close to me jus fade away
all these times u were pretendin
so much for my happy ending

U've got ur dumb frens
i noe wad dey say
they tell u im difficult
well so r they
but dey dunnoe me
do dey even noe u?
all de things u hide from me
all de shit dat u do

u were all de things i tot i knew
n i tot we cld be

*ChOrUs*
U were everythin, everythin dat i wanted
we were meant to be, supposed to be but we lost it
n all of de memories so close to me jus fade away
all these times u were pretendin
so much for my happy ending

It's nice to noe dat u were there
thanks for acting like u cared
n makin me feel like i was de onli one
It's nice to noe we had it all
thanks for watchin as i fall
n lettin me noe we were done

*ChOrUs*
U were everythin, everythin dat i wanted
we were meant to be, supposed to be but we lost it
n all of de memories so close to me jus fade away
all these times u were pretendin
so much for my happy ending

2004-06-30T07:45:00.000-07:00

im back after watchin cinta bollywood..its so sad..farhana died..as much as i hate to admit it, she was a good wife..very understandin..i hope to be jus like her later on..=p
neway its 1045 at nite n im waitin for syg to come online..is he even planning to?? im like superdying..i miss him like crazy, n i have no one to tok to..farid n riah have gone missing, n shar's workin on her blog..tok to me pple!!! i think ill go offline at 1130..haizz..pathetic..im like so damn sad rite now..i havent spoken, as in SPOKEN to him for i dunnoe how many million days..n i havent seen him in i dunnoe how many million weeks..haizzz..pathetic i noe..
i kinda did alot of thinkin these few days..i kinda decided to jus go wif de flow..im not gonna wish or hope for anythin anymore lahhh..it seems like wadever i wan, i dun get neway..so wads de point..but it dun mean dat im not gonna work hard for certain things..de things dat really matter to me..things which i havent found yet..=[
suddenly my life went from happy happy happy to sad sad sad..i hate it..i wan it to be happy happy happy agn..FUCK de free world man..
marcel lee came into class today..tokked some shit abt how we shld start studyin rite now..n abt how hes gonna teach us memory techniques..huh..yeah rite..hes been sayin dat since wad? de beginning of de yr? n its like july now..well..wadever..den he tokked abt how he didnt date girls during o levels n a levels time..n how when he started dating at university..he said dat when he first held a girl's hand, he was like "WOW!"..n everyone started laughin..haha..he said de feelin was damn syiok..like..DUH..
riah jus came online!! yay!!! haha..havent tokked to her in 3 days..if onli syg wld come online..haizzz..MISS HIM!!!!!!!!!!! he cldve at least called to say hes not comin online..=[ i noe lah..im actin like an idiot..but im like damn sad..i mustve said dat 3 million times in todays entry..well..wadever..
goin wif de flow isnt as easy as it sounds..n dat pretty much sucks..i wanna be able not to care when things get me down..but its kinda impossible? =x oh well..wadever..is sayin wadever all de time considered goin wif de flow?? haha..
discussin farhan wif riah..im so pissed off at him..well, im pissed off wif any muslim guy/girl who thinks he/shes a kafir..im actin as if im so alim..but i love my religion n hate anyone who discriminates it..so try me..i can shoot off a million words like bullets wif my mouth if u even dare try..
WOW..im like an extremist..haha..but im not k..dun worry pple..im safe..i was jus born a muslim n all de muslimness has been pupuk-ed in me since young..haha..
where is he..god im like a love sick puppy waitin for her owner..arrrghhh it sickens me..
neway its 1130 now..n hes still not online..i guess i better go den..ciaozzz...
XxxxXxxxX

2004-06-30T05:07:00.000-07:00

i finally have some time on my hands so here i am..haizz..actually..its not really dat i was busy lahhh[sowie sis!!]..its jus i needed some time to myself u noe..i was workin on a plan[top secret!!!]..for a while it was going ok..but den i caved..cannot tahan lahh..=[ haizz..so i guess im gonna have to try another tactic..
there was a blackout ytd..n for some strange, sick reason it was kinda nice..i actually had time to rilekz without thinkin of other shit, or gettin distracted by tv or comp..i was jus starin out de livin room into de dark nite outside..n was jus termenung-ing n thinkin abt everythin..everyone was shoutin out their windows, n playin wif torch lights..actin so bloody kanchiong..like hello..have neither of u experienced a blackout before..cant all u freaks jus rilekzz..
while termenung-ing, i felt a bit sad..dunnoe y lahhh..or maybe i do noe, but i jus duwanna think abt it..
den syg called..i was so happy to hear his voice..we tokked for a while..found out dat his area was goin thru a blackout too..when we put down de fone, i felt kinda really disappointed lah..wanted to tok to him more..we havent been tokkin on de fone much lately..jus five-minute calls in which he tells me hes not goin online, or askin if im goin online..dats it..i understand de time constraint n dat he needs time to think abt his future n all but i jus really really miss him..=[ n yeah i understand he had to go ytd..so im not holdin anythin against him..jus a bit sad lahhh..wait not a bit..ALOT..=[ for a moment there i felt like things werent de same..dunnoe y lah..jus a feelin i guess..
hmmm..farhan has been tellin me abt dis new girl hes been seein..hes been yakkin abt her since de beginnin of de hols, n until now i still dunnoe wad she sees in him =p..at dis point i pity shiqin..cuz its so obvious dat he dumped her for dis other girl..poor thing lahh..haizz..oh well..dah takde jodoh ape nak buat..neway farhan told me abt some "dare, or dun dare" game deyve been playin n shit..n he told me abt dis "spin de bottle" game dat dey played wif a six-pack of beer n a bottle of vodka as de punishment..im kinda mad at him cuz of dis..i mean, pls lah..ur a Muslim for GOODNESS SAKE..ur name is FARHAN for a reason u noe..it shows ur a MUSLIM..u wanna murtad urself u go change ur name n convert lah fark..dun go arnd callin urself a Muslim while u do all dat crap..farking hell..den wan to make tattoo lahhh..dis lah..dat lah..think wad, cool ah? go n die lahh..even i, who dun really practice prayin yet, at least have some IMAN in me ok..pls lah farhan..jgn memalukan kite semue lahh..
haizz..well dats off my chest..finally..been holdin it back since jus now..pls dun mind de language..
neway yeah..he let me read de things he n his new gf wrote to each other..so mushy..comin from him, eeeeeee...
oh after skl, me, eva n fred went to sell de bloody carnival tickets at fred's condo..was ok lahh..quite fun goin door to door n bestowing upon dem a gorgeous smile n den ask dem for five dollars..hahahah..im so proud of myself dat i finished sellin dat crap..onli 5 tickets to sell lah, cuz parents paid 20 bucks n i paid 5..but still took me a damn long time to finish..my feet were achin by de time we went to de third block of condos..n dese pple..dey may be rich, but deyre bloody stingy..esp de europeans..=x no offence to any europeans out there..neway i lazy to elaborate..later tonite den i come back n tell..
kkzz..me hungy..ciaozzz..

2004-06-25T01:21:00.000-07:00

fark lah i cant believe it..jus when id put up a great update, wif all de pics in oso..de bloody site hanged!!!! CCB!!! arrrgghhh now i have to start all over agn..bloody hell..
haizzz..ok so im here bright n early to post somethin..its friday, syg is at wild wild wet, im rottin at home, waitin for an sms from him dat prolly wont come, n no one else is online..life cldnt be more boring..haizz..
lets start wif monday..again..went to MEAN GIRLS movie preview wif riah..had loads of fun!! we watched de movie at marina GV..den walked over to de sg river..n de benjamin sheares bridge(where we took tons of pics)..n den to de padang..where we heard n SAW linkin park havin their soundcheck!!!!!! yes its true!!!!! LINKIN PARK!!!!!! hahaha..we were kinda peekin into an openin in de canvas sheet in de corner..there were some guys behind us, tryin to sneak a look too..hahaha *ehhh asal linkin park boncet ahh???* ahaha..dey were sayin dat ahh..haha damn funny..cuz there was dis fat half naked guy on stage wif em..haha..
oh yeahh..btw..here r some of de pics we took..*yep deres more..haha..but lazy to put..so jus put these few..enjoy..

me n riah by de singapore river..some french guy helped us take dis photo btw..

me tryin to act solemn..

me n riah by de bridge..

me hidin in de bushes..

me tgh step jambu behind a pillar..

me n riah by de bridge agn..

me squattin down behind de same pillar as before..

doin good for de society..=p

riah showing off her WILD side..hehehe..

haha..yeppp..there r more pics of cuz..but..oh well..haha..
ok..on to tuesday..LINKIN PARK RAWKED!!!!!!! hahahaha..at first it was jus de two of us..me n aini..budden my cuzzins called n joined us..we sat at de green patch by de memorial n we cld see like half de screen..haha dat was good enuff for us!!! we moshed n danced n jumped arnd among ourselves!!! hahaha..it was better den bein in there lahhh..like hello? u cant mosh in there??? damn those kids!!!!! haha..well..it was great lahh..at first there were onli 5 of us jumpin arnd - me, my cuzzins, n aini - budden dis eurasian girl joined us..haha..she turned out to be my one of my cuz's skl mate..haha..not long after dat, a grp of malay guys joined us..hahahahaha..such toots..but one of dem can dance pretty well..quite cute too..wearin dis cute beanie..haha..=p
wanted to ask syg to come along, but he had ngaji..so too bad ahh..haha..we had a helluva fun time n we didnt even pay single cent!!!! somemore got free keropok n drinks..provided by kak syid's fren..haha..betul2 punye budget..=p hmmm who was there agn? lets see..abg hafiz n kak nurul(his girlfren), kak lin, kak syid, kak zilah, syahirah(but she went in when de concert started), kak win(kak syid's fren who provided us wif de keropok), kak win's brudas, n me n aini..haha..quite a big grp..but onli us girls(except for kak win n kak nurul) went crazy at de field..haha..everyone else was jus sittin arnd..so boring..haizzz..SINGAPOREANS..oh heres a pic!!!

kak syid, kak zilah, me n aini..

haha..sorry..onli got to take one pic de whole nite..but nvm..dis a memoir..hehe..
ok on to wednesday..erm..wad did i do on wednesday..hmmm..nth much i think..prolly woke up at 230 agn..cuz of all de late nites online..haha..
thursday..ohh ytd..haha..went to kak iza's place to see her n her new baby..[aWwWwW] hes a boy n his name is Muhammad Mirza..nice name huh? hehe..hes sooooo cute..dey'd jus shaved his head, so he looked like a lil bowlin ball..hahah..a cute one!! i got to carry him..so cool to carry a lil bundle of joy..haha..cant wait to have one of my own!! when im married lah of cuz..=p played wif afiqah de whole nite..shes so cuteeeeee..eeee geram nye!!! haha..first we played alphabets n drew animals n stuff..den we went into her lil room n played mcdonalds n cash register..hahaha..my childhood dream..=p
shes such a lil cutie!!!! tickled her n stuff..hahaa..soooooo cuteeeee!! so damn bijak de way she spoke..hahahaha..*tak..die boy tapi die kawan aje* haha dats wad she said when my mom asked if her guy fren was her boyfren..hahah..n she's onli 4!! hahaha..
den went to eat at Al-Ameen..had chicken chop..ok im hungry jus thinkin abt it rite now..haha..den went home..n chatted online wif SYG n shar..nden syg told me somethin like he needed some time to think abt wad he wanted out of life..its good dat ur thinkin abt dat syg..u can hv all de time u need..i cayang u!!!! hehehe..
den he went off to watch bola..n i was online..did my blog until like 6 in de mornin..my god..but oh well..i like de way it looks now..quite simple wif a lot of space..hehe..
ok friday..well here i am..ill update more on friday later at nite..
hmmm..syg's got me thinkin abt wad I wan in life..heres a list..

[1]Get a solid education..at least a poly graduate will do..
[2]Get a good job so dat i can help to support my family before i get married..preferably at Mediacorp or sumthin..
[3]When i get married, will still hold a job..to help my husband..he cant be de provider de whole way now can he??
[4]If i have kids, ill consider quittin my job to take care of em..aint gonna let no stranger touch my babies!!
[5]Get a driver's license..
[6]Live comfortably n happily wif my husband n kids..n at de same time, support my parents..

well..dats my list for now..it mite change as time goes by..but those r my basic wants for de future..hmmmm..k lahhh..im hungry..be back later tonite..ciaoozzzz..
XxxxXxxxX

2004-06-24T13:27:00.000-07:00

haizz..im finally here to update..gosh..its four plus in de mornin..i dunnoe wad im still doin online sehhh..
*2 hrs later*
gosh im so tired..been workin on my blog for close to 2 hrs now..finally found somethin dat can fit alot of stuff..i like it..even tho is pretty simple..but i can add pics n stuff..
neway..im way too tired to be thinkin of anythin to put here..so till tml..ciaozzz..
XxxxXxxxX

2004-06-20T11:16:00.000-07:00

ok im back for another wonderful update..strangely i jus put down de fone wif my laling n i miss him already!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaa!! help me!!!!
haizz..nvm..tml can tok..ugh..dat doesnt help me very much..hahahah..neway today was soooo damn boring..spent half de day doing wad? slping..slping n watching tv..supposed to go wedding, but dad had to go work so..missed another day of cuci mata hehe..
den tot dat maybe can go out after dad came home..u noe..for fathers day..but nooooooo~ he insisted on slpin..haizzzz..boring!!!!!
neway thanks sis for invitin me to dat movie preview tml!!!! i cant wait!!!! i finally get to go out of my hse sehhhh..4 days being cooped up at home is too much for me..wake up watch tv..wake up watch tv..
haizzz..cant believe it..HE'S going to WILD WILD WET!!!!! wahhh not fair......heart pain sehhhh.........supposed to go wif my family n my mom's fren's family but haizzz..malang nasibku..my mom say no money..so tak jadi..haizzzzz...=[ somemore supposed to go ESCAPE oso noe..haizzzzzzz...n hols r gonna be over soon..den how???? no chance to go ledy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fuck lahhhh..y does everythin have to revolve arnd money..n y does everyone else get wad i wan..fuck it man..aini got de jeans dat i wan..n shes gonna get de belt dat i wan oso..fuckk..den me??? i got nth..MONEY IS RUINING MY LIFE!!!!!
alah dats it lahhh..i gtg..gettin depressed..ciaozzzz..
XxxxXxxxX

2004-06-18T10:33:00.000-07:00

ughh im so pissed off wif my blog u wldnt believe it..im gonna hafta change de whole damn thing agn..n rewrite everythin agn..haizzz..i guess dis is de price i hafta pay for being too high class n not wantin a normal diary to WRITE in instead of typing..hahaha..wad can i say..im a high class girl..hehe..cheyyy..
neway yeah..dun really hv much to say today..except dat de hindustani show i watched jus now was dammmnnnnn sweet..tho i dun really understand y both de families didnt wan de guy n girl to be together..like got no reason lidat uhhh..my dad was like goin on n on abt how it didnt make any sense..i, on de other hand, was goin on n on abt how these indian parents can sanggup to do dat to their kids..poor kids..dey had to run away to another town to be together..but in de end, dey both broke up..cuz de guy said dat he didnt wan de girl to be unhappy, being away from de family she loved so much all..[aWwWwWw]
but when dey broke up..de girl wasnt happy either..to her whole family she'd act as if she was perfectly happy, laughing n joking wif dem as if nth was wrong..but as soon as she was alone, she'd start crying n de pain she'd kept inside wld bubble over..one day her mom saw her cryin in her room, n she ordered her three sons to go find de girl a jodoh..
de guy wasnt very happy either..but he didnt show it..his mom oso wanted to find a jodoh but den both his parents realized dat noone else was gonna replace de girl in their son's heart..so dey went to meet de girl's family, who btw had already found de girl a guy to marry..de guy's mom practically fell in love wif de girl when she saw her..haha..
when de girl's mom saw de guy..she sucked in her breath n was obviously shocked by how extremely GOOD-LOOKING he was..haha..[swoon~]
in de end both families agreed to let de two of em get married..cuz both families knew how unhappy de two kids were..n dey all lived happily ever after..
haha..typical of hindustani movies rite?? but hecckkk..i love em neway..all so romantic..hhaha..
i am like so bored rite now..syg is watchin bola..n i have nth to do..hmmm..maybe i have time to redo de damn blog after all..sianzzz..im thinkin of a stripey new look..hahaha..but dunnoe ahhh..none of de templates in blogskins suits me sial..
hmmm k lahh..im gonna go search for my new template now..be back after everythings done..ciaozz..
XxxxXxxxX

2004-06-17T12:02:00.000-07:00

wad is up wif my background pic man..can it like, appear???? neway yeahh..back together..relieved..haha..i promise i will do my best to change for u darling..hehehe..
its 3.03 in de mornin n my dads still not home yet..dats a first..or maybe hes home n in my parents room but i dunnoe it..haha..well..ill jus find out tml..
slpt de whole day today..n i mean de whole day..woke up at 230..budden when i went outside i slpt agn..haha..stupid bruda came home from camp today..yeppp..i have to continue enduring his shit..
ytd..was a very emotionally charged day for me..well..nite actually..at 11+ HE came online..he unblocked me actually..n he started tokking to me..amazing..i was shocked..de glimmer of hope had surfaced itself in me agn..haha..but it was shortlived..he told me to move on..den i dunnoe how but it turned into a fight..well..at first it was one-sided..he was scoldin me..n i was jus there, takin it all it..first time ever dat i did dat..not scoldin someone when he/she scolded me, dat is..never tot i cld do it..he said alot of stuff dat initially hurt alot..like how he hated me so much dat he regret ever even playing softball cuz thru dat he met me..n how i was pretending to be a saviour..n how he regretted holdin himself back from flirting wif other girls, n from smoking for me..he was jus basically tearing me down..de funny thing was dat he wanted me to tell him his mistakes so he cld learn from it..but in de end, he hated me for naggin at him..weird huh..
oh well..its over now..de fight i mean..dunnoe how..but he suddenly got into a good mood..den we made up..haha..so sweet..makin up stories callin ourselves bitch n bastard..hahaha..so cute noe..
i think maybe i shld start from tuesday's agenda onwards until today since i havent blogged since den..
tuesday afternoon..wrote a really mushy email to HIM..god i didnt noe i had it in me to "beg"..so embarrassing..ugh..first time..den at nite, went to kak lin's hse in sengkang..man dat place brought back memories..wif HIM..n i felt so sad when i looked out her living room window at de playground thingy there..
stayed at kak lin's hse until like 1 am..first we helped her sort out her kitchen..onli me n my mom went..dad was at work..idiot bruda was at camp..den after de kitchen stuff, we jus sat arnd eating kuih PAU n watchin tv..watched abt half of Ada Apa Dengan Cinta..so sweet dat show..oh i jus watched it jus now btw..before i wrote dis entry..
neway at 1 am dad came to pick us up..went home..slept like a baby cuz too tired..had to play wif hadirah(kak lins sis) de whole time we were at de hse..hahah..
ok wednesday mornin n afternoon..was fun!! hehe..went to sentosa..even tho onli two of us went..haha..we wallowed..sang stupid songs while swimming..like "Dalam hati ini ada tangisan..tangisan seorang insan terluka.." hahahhaha..den jus sat n tokked abt ex boyfrens all..was cool..den i drama-mama abit dere..shouting to de sky.."why, God, why?? why did u choose to do dis to me?" hahaha..laughed like mad..den we scorned all de couples huggin in de water..n threw rocks softball style into de water..we berendam from like 11 to 4+..hahaha..i kena sunburn..my shoulders r red n hurting..n there r like tan lines..ill never wear sleeveless when goin out until all de damn lines r gone..n my face..so red..wah kaozz..n de skin beneath my eyes very pedih..like kena scratch..but nth there but utter redness..
at 4+ we dragged ourselves out of de water n went home..in de 963 bus..haha..some ns dudes were like surroundin us(not literally, dey jus had to stand cuz no more seats in de bus)..den when we were like gonna get off, one of dem like pretended to prepare to get off as well, as if following us..haha budden he didnt..n jus said bye instead..when we got off de bus dey waved at us from de window..hahaha..n ME in all my gatalness, waved back wif dat kind of u noe..mentel smile..hahahaha..well..onli did dat cuz i was single..if not, jgn harap ah..wahahahahha..cheyyy wah..ohhh n we took some pics in de bus..*of cuz!* hahaha..here dey r..

Us in de bus on de way there..

Us in de bus agn..haha..

And me alone..acting jambu..haha..padahal kena sunburn..see de face damn merah padam!!

haha well dats it lahh..we forgot to take pics in our bathin suits..wahahahah..next time next time..
neway after sentosa..went home..so tired..i slpt for a while..den went online..dunnoe for wad..den dat fight wif HIM..half-fight half-conversation..
i think now me gonna refer to HIM as HIM u noe..haha..cool ahh..like de powerpuff girls satan..HIM..haha..
ok i think my dads home..like FINALLY..heard some sounds outside..didnt bother to check..MUS be him..haha..
k ahhh..damn tired now..its 3.42 in de morning!!! be back tml..ciaozzz..
XxxxXxxxX

2004-06-14T13:30:00.000-07:00

I sit frozen on the couch; the only movement in the room being the tears flowing freely down my cheeks from my eyes. The pain is overwhelming, and threatens to break me down into little pieces. I struggle to fight it away, but my emotional effort is in vain, because as I try harder and harder to push it away, the stronger it comes back.
No matter how much I wish it isn’t, I know it is my own fault that I’d lost him. It is my own fault that he had decided that he deserved someone a lot better than me – just like I’d told him before. I know it is my own fault for not being able to trust him, or anyone for that matter, more. It is my own fault that he decided to leave.
The promises we’d made are now left to collect dust. Neither of us has returned to that shelf of hopes and dreams to retrieve them. Neither of us has the energy to come back; he was tired of fighting me, and I was tired of fighting me, too.
He does not want me anymore. While I am yearning for him here on my couch, could he be doing the same? While I am here crying my eyes out, is he thinking of me?
How I wish it isn't over. How I wish it were like this: -
As I sit and cry, regretting everything I had done, he is doing the same. He is regretting breaking up with me, and is waiting for the right time before he calls me up to tell me he still loves me and still wishes to continue our relationship. He sits on his couch and stares into space. The pain is eating him slowly inside every moment he is apart from me. The television is on, but he does not pay attention. He is unable to, because at that moment, he is wiping away his tears with his sleeve. Soon the sleeve is soaked and he gets up to reach for the tissue box on the far end of the room. But he could not make it to the end of the room. About halfway there, he totally breaks down and practically falls to the floor, his whole body racking with sobs. He cannot help thinking how it might be too late.
He leans his head against the wall, still crying. He wants so badly to tell me that he cannot bear to let me go, and still wants me. He wants to tell me that he will help me trust him more; he will help me to overcome this. He does not care how long it takes, because he loves me, and is willing to do anything for me.
So, without a moment’s hesitation, he runs into his bedroom and reaches for the phone. He is unable to contain himself as he waits for her to pick up.
Finally someone picks up, but he is disappointed to find that it is not she. It is her mother, and she sounded a bit angry. His eyes quickly dart to the clock on his wall, and he is overcome by embarrassment. It is 12.30 in the morning. It is no wonder her mother sounded so angry. He quickly apologizes and puts down the phone. Then he clicks on the computer and connects to the Internet. Maybe she is still online. Now that he had made his decision, he cannot wait to tell her. He cannot wait to tell her how he felt.
But when he gets online, he is once again disappointed. She is not there. He looks at her MSN nickname, and is given a glimmer of hope as he reads it. “Read my latest blog entry if you have the time, ok…I’m sorry for everything.”
Did that mean she still loves him? His heart pounds at the thought. He goes into her blog and reads her latest entry. It is a letter with no sign of whom it is for, but he knows exactly who it is for. He reads it, and the tears slid slowly down his cheeks. He regrets and feels extremely horrible.
* * * * *
I sit there on my couch and slap myself awake. Those things only happen in fairy tales, I tell myself. I know that it is lost, the love we have once shared. I tell myself not to cry, but I know it is impossible. The tears are running down my cheeks non-stop, and I am unable to stop them.
I hit myself, pinch myself, and kick myself for not trying harder to make it work. Suddenly my eye is attracted to the penknife sitting on my table. I stare at it, trying to remind myself of the promise I’d once made to him, that I’d never cut myself up again. Reluctantly, I look away from the penknife. The temptation is overwhelming, but I had made a promise, and I was going to keep it, whether we were together or not.
He will always remain a special person in my heart. He has shaped me to become a more understanding person, and a sweeter girl. He has given me the self-confidence that I so badly needed at one time. Whenever I felt low, I just thought about how much he loved me, and I loved myself again. It was that simple.
But now it is over. It is too late to be thinking about how much he means to me, about how big a space he has occupied in my heart. He is special, and I know it.
But maybe, this special person is not the right one for me. Maybe he will be special to someone else, too. No matter how much I wish it were me, I cannot avoid the fact that he is a wonderful guy who maybe deserves someone a lot better than me. But I know that I will always love him, and he will always be tucked in a special place in my heart.
BUT maybe, just maybe, what I am writing here is not true. Maybe, just maybe, we really are meant to be together. After all, couples go through hardship every time. Maybe we will work things out. We once promised to be together forever, to be married and live a beautiful life together. I am up to upholding that promise, if he is.
However, if I really am causing him a lot of suffering, than maybe it’s for the best that we break up. I can’t let him go on suffering. I love him too much.
I know it is nothing but a dream, to think that he will come back. I hate this hope, because it is obvious that I am hoping for something that is not going to happen. My heart aches at the thought of that, and i long for his arms to be around me once again, to feel his love burning for me again. But it is too late. It is over, no matter how much my heart yearns for him. And it is all my fault.

2004-06-13T04:13:00.000-07:00

of all de pple to upset me..U..i cant believe it..U..MY FREN..do u wan so much to be wad u'd written urself as???? do u wan me to give u dat honour??? if u wan it so much, u TELL me..dun write crap as if ure wad u'd written..do u wan it dat much???
dis anger is buildin up inside me..building up n bubbling over de rim..if i dun do something abt it, i mite totally lose it..im tryin very hard not to vent it on anyone..n im succeeding..dats y dis blog helps me..thank GOD for it..i once said dat it caused so many fucking problems in my life..but i take it back..cuz nth can replace it..i hate diaries..too leceh..
here's a lil somethin i wrote..nth special, but has alot more description..
The air outside my bedroom is cold n chilly. It's dark out and the buildings are a deep purple as the sun slowly sets. The trees are nothing but a silhoutte now, with hints of green on the leaves. Everything is dark and gloomy. The trees, moving shadows, scare the children looking out their windows at this hour. Satan roams the earth and provokes the people weak at heart, bringing up their anger towards the world, to themselves and to other people. Soon this anger will turn into hatred. And hatred will turn into something worse; something more sinister, if not controlled.
As i stare out my bedroom window, watching as the world outside gets darker and darker, i suddenly realize that i will overcome this anger. It is nothing but a phase in my life, and i will get over it, even if it hurts me. Even if it leaves scars, i will get over it.
The leaves no longer have any traces of green now. It is 730 and it is all black outside, except for the buildings that are still a deep purple(only darker) and the light streaming out of other people's windows. But as surely as the anger will fade, the sun will set. The world will be dark, hard for anyone to see in.
One thing I've come to learn is that anger is just like the sun in the sky. Yes, for a while, it will burn. It might even hurt someone else in that period. But as time goes by, the sun will be covered by clouds, as will anger. With time, the burn will fade, replaced by a cooling darkness. Such as night.
The outside of my bedroom is now as dark as ever. I no longer look out my window as the moving silhouttes of trees and the now-black buildings are a sight too scary even for a 16-yr-old to see. I close the window and step out of my bedroom. And at that moment I knew that I was going to make it; make it past the anger, past the fear. I decided that i was going to win this battle that I'd been fighting with myself for the past two years.

yeah well..writin all dat crap down helped me release dat anger..thank GOD..i felt ready to explode..haha..hmmm..well..enuff of dat..today my mom's fren n her sis-in-law came, together will their kids..tokked n joked..we were discussin on going to escape theme park next sat..or dis sat..whichever..all our families goin together..dat wld be so much fun..but..of cuz..gotta convince my dad first..freaking stubborn..haizz..
my mom's fren n de sis-in-law gave my mom a bday present..dis long blouse n a tudung..n some brooches too..not bad ahh..
haizz..no one's online n im bored..not to mention HUNGRY!! since ytd was my mom's bday, she didnt cook today..i dun mind lahhh..cuz now my dad's orderin mcdonalds..mcspicy double..YAY!!!
neway gtg now..gonna turn to prayer..will be back later..ciaozzz..
XxxxXxxxX

2004-06-11T05:36:00.000-07:00

dammit..ytd's entry didnt get published cuz of some technical error or somethin..stupid..neway yeah ive been thinkin abt bringin a digicam everywhere i go now..cuz takin pics really seem like fun..hahahha..thanks era for de idea..love ur pants btw =]hehe..yeahh..im gonna start takin photos of everythin..not anythin stupid lahh..me, my frens, n stuff..it'd be so cool..
neway..today was damn shitty actually..jus found out dis aftn dat me parents mite be goin on a holiday without my bruda n me..n my bruda's goin for camp, so im gonna be all alone..prolly gonna stay at kak lin's hse..i dunnoe which one..either de sengkang one or de bt batok one..hope sengkang one..dat cld be fun lahh..nearer to some pple..hehe..oh well..if stay there, tot maybe can spend some time wif kak lin..but shes workin lahh..n so's abg feroz..not dat id wanna spend time wif him without kak lin..hes scary..=S haha..
tml's my mom's bday..she'll be 41 tml..hope we're goin out tml..i really duwanna stay at home..so farking boring..was thinkin maybe we cld go to de beach for a picnic or sumthin..but mom said dat it costs money..wth..go beach wif homemade food oso need alot of money issit..haiyooo..maybe de bikes cost money to rent?? but i duwanna rent bikes..i wanna go swimming..
alah wadever..as long as we go out can ledyyy..been a long time since we went out as a family..for a birthday celebration or otherwise..
today woke up at 2.30 i think..den bathed..n watched picture perfect..agn..sian lah..but oh well..nth to do nye pasal..den came online to rot..was tokkin to syg for a while..budden he said somethin abt musterin up de courage to ask his mom if he can go jam, n den he left without sayin nethin..oh well..guess he was in a rush or sumthin..or maybe his comp broke down or sumthin n he too lazy to log back in..oh well..jus hope i get a chance to tok to him later..mus thank him fer cheerin me up..THANKS SYG FOR CHEERING ME UP!!
haha..haizz..n hungry..mom didnt cook anythin today..its been two days since i had a fulfilling meal..dun get me wrong..she did cook, its jus dat im too cerewet..haha..
neway..jus tot id show more pics here..so here goes..
dats me in de mrt..posing like an idiot..

dis is a great pic of me n my buddies..im de one in de middle..

me n aini..

me n eva..

jus us..

oh n yeah..i got so damn bored i decided to snap a few pics of my house n room..hahaha..enjoy..

yep..dats all de junk i bothered to put up here..ill put more if there r anymore..n i promise there will be more..hahahaha..dun worry..newayyy..i gtg..im freaking hungry..be back laterr..ciaozz..
XxxxXxxxX

2004-06-09T10:29:00.000-07:00

WOW..so many entries in one day..first tym..damn bored lah..wad to do..kept comin back to update..neway today was actually pretty boring lahhh..rained de whole blardy day..got caught in de blardy rain..now my shoes damn blardy wet..
de morning actually started out ok..except for de rain..had to use a blardy umbrella which cldnt even open up at firz..n when it did, de blardy hello kitty kept smiling down at me..blardy irritating..haha..i should prolly stop sayin blardy..but im tryin to make myself stop sayin de word fuck all de time..i am, after all, a girl..n a foul mouth on a girl is hardly attractive..hahaha..so bear wif me while i keep up wif de blardies..
neway today when i woke up, i dunnoe wad happened to me..i totally forgot wad i was supposed to do..how i was supposed to bath..everythin seemed a bit foggy n for a while i was walkin aimlessly arnd de kitchen..hmmm..maybe it was de lack of slp..freaky ah..everythin came back slowly when i entered de toilet tho..thank GOD..
when i finally remembered wad to do, n got ready for skl..it started rainin..blardy hell..had to walk wif blardy hello kitty umbrella..hahaha..shhhhh~
den when got on de bus..kena disturb by some blardy fools..hahaha..dey were sittin at de back of de bus, which was like almost empty..onli me, those guys, two ahpeks n one cina guy were there..den when i sat down, dey started makin noise..like dat sucking sound u make wif ur lips to call someone..den one of dem kinda shouted "mintak numbor!" n dey kept makin dat blardy irritatin suckin sound..den halfway thru de bus ride, another one shouted "dik ade ABANG nak berkenalan!"
kinda flattering lahh..but i ignored dem ah..hahaha..lazy to layan lah..when i got off de bus..dey said bye..n since dey were sittin at de back seats, dey turned arnd to wave at me thru de back window..hahaha..blardy fools..
den had to walk wif de blardy hello kitty umbrella agn..all de way into skl..den mrs chen lesson..wahhh..was supposed to be from 1130 to 1230..but dat bitch extend until 1+..some more she came late..at 1145..i was so happy cuz i tot i was late..but it turned out dat when i stepped into de classroom, she'd jus arrived as well..blardy hell..
after lessons went to BP..sat at de library fer a while..den we went to westmall to eat, cuz BP de food junction was bein upgraded, n so was Mcdonalds..at westmall's food court, we sat, n ate, n tokked..for like abt 2-3 hrs i think..haha..was damn funny de topics we were discussin..
den after dat went home..was hopin to eat somethin at home, but nooooo~ mummy chose today of all days not to cook seh..so i had no choice but to go n rot online..from afternoon..all de way until now..haizzz..dats my life..haha.
neway..now im dead tired..its almost 3 am..n im actually plannin to watch a movie..but havin second tots..haha..k lahh..better go..damn late..ciaozzz..
XxxxXxxxX

2004-06-09T10:27:00.000-07:00

Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Miz mimie's Disease
Cause:	bad wax fruit
Symptoms:	frequent hyperactivity, frequent jaw dislocation, tiredness
Cure:	paint a black cross on your front door and wait
Enter your name, for your own diagnosis:

2004-06-09T09:47:00.000-07:00

ive got total moodswings today..dunnoe wad was wrong wif me..sorry syg..cuz u had to put up wif my shit all dis while..
neway i went into dis website to read up on de symptoms of clinical depression..n dis is wad i found..

Depression Symptoms
Feelings of sadness and/or irritability
Loss of interest or pleasure in activities normally enjoyed
Changes in weight or appetite
Changes in sleeping pattern
Feelings of guilt, hopelessness, or worthlessness
Inability to concentrate, remember things, or make decisions
Constant fatigue or loss of energy
Observable restlessness or decreased activity
Recurrent thoughts of suicide or death
In addition, look for at least three of the following symptoms, which could indicate the manic phase of manic-depression:

Inflated ego, envisioning of grand schemes
Increased energy and decreased need for sleep
Inappropriate excitement or irritability
Increased talking and/or moving
Sexual promiscuity
Disconnected and racing thoughts
Impulsive behavior and poor judgment

and here r de non-clinical symptoms..wadever dat means..

Things just seem "off" or "wrong."
You don't feel hopeful or happy about anything in your life.
You're crying a lot, either at nothing, or something that normally would be insignificant.
You feel like you're moving (and thinking) in slow motion.
Getting up in the morning requires a lot of effort.
Carrying on a normal conversation is a struggle. You can't seem to express yourself.
You're having trouble making simple decisions.
Your friends and family really irritate you.
You're not sure if you still love your spouse/significant other.
Smiling feels stiff and awkward. It's like your smiling muscles are frozen.
It seems like there's a glass wall between you and the rest of the world.
You're forgetful, and it's very difficult to concentrate on anything.
You're anxious and worried a lot.
Everything seems hopeless.
You feel like you can't do anything right.
You have recurring thoughts of death and/or suicidal impulses. Suicide seems like a welcome relief.
You have a feeling of impending doom - you think something bad is going to happen, although you may not be sure what.
In your perception of the world around you, it's always cloudy. Even on sunny days, it seems cloudy and gray.
You feel as though you're drowning or suffocating.
You're agitated, jumpy and and anxious much of the time.
Your senses seem dulled; food tastes bland and uninteresting, music doesn't seem to affect you, you don't bother smelling flowers anymore.
Incessantly and uncontrollably into your mind comes the memory of every failure, every bad or uncomfortable experience, interview or date, like a torrent of negativity.

heres a quote by someone..who is feelin almost de exact same way as me..

"Ashley said:
I remember someone once saying to me "Its nice falling asleep at night knowing someone cares!" and I remember saying back "yes, it is!!"- I long for that same feeling. That feeling that seems so far off in the distance and most likely will never return to me! I have lost all hope!! In my eyes- It's over!!! Its so hard going through life pretending all the time. Pretending to laugh at the joke thats not funny, pretending to smile at the person who used to mean so much to you. Pretending to be happy. Whats the point. I want to be alone- but when I am, I hurt even more. I don't want to waste anymore of anyone's time and energy. I don't want anyone to have to worry anymore. I don't want to feel this pain anymore. I don't want to cry anymore. I want all this pain to be overwith. The worst thing is when people say "It will get better- it always does".... Well when??? Years and years have past and I feel worst than ever!!! They just don't understand - noone does. Suicide isn't a choice for me- its just my last option. Everything else failed- this won't. How can it??? I just wanted to be loved- loved like any other person is!! At least by one person. I am crying out for help inside, but noone can hear me. I am in a world all by myself. It hurts to much when that one special person who means the world to you doesn't care. Doesn't care at all. Some people go through lie with everything- here I am with nothing. How can someone live their life day to day- always feeling that they aren't good enough, nothing they do is good enough, a feeling of anxiety, a feeling of guilt. Its all too much to handle. It hurts the most when someone takes advantage of you- and your too ashamed and embarassed to do anything about it. As much as it hurts to see him free and happy- you keep quiet. Why??? You don't want to be at fault- because everything is your fault. You don't wnat people to think differently of you- because they will think differently of you. You don't want people to abandon you- because they always seem to do that. One last cry for help- no one answers- Only Goodbye!!"

haha..well..most of wad dat person says reflects how i feel neway..mines not dat extreme lahh..no matter wad, i wont kill myself..n i definitely duwan to be alone..id prolly do sumthin stupid..which i totally duwan to do at all..
well actually i wanted to post dis shit up here cuz its easier for me to refer to..instead of havin to go to de website all de time..haha..i dun even noe wads de damn site url..=p neway its pretty interestin..all dis depression stuff..im not exactly sure if im goin thru it rite now..but im in de process of diagnosing myself..i tell u somethin scary..most of de things in de non-clinical symptoms were true..i mean, im feelin em..aaaaaaarrrrgggghhhh i duwan to be depressed..i will FORCE myself to stay happy..n i will get a hold of my damn mood swings..i will get thru dis stage of my life..mark my words..muahahahahahhaha..

2004-06-09T07:55:00.000-07:00

i was readin Chicken Soup For The Teenage Soul today..n there was dis really nice poem dat is damn true..enjoy..

It's Tough To Be A Teenager

It's tough to be a teenager, no one really noes
wad de pressure is like in skl, dis is how it goes.

i wake up every morning, n stare into dis face
i wanna be good-lookin, but i feel like a disgrace.

My frens dey seem to like me, if i follow thru wif their dare,
but when i try to be myself, dey never seem to care.

my mom, well she keeps sayin, i gotta make de grade
while both my parents love me, it slowly seems to fade.

it seems like everyone i noe is tryin to be so cool
and everytime i try, i end up jus a fool.

ive tot abt taking drugs, i really dun want to u noe
but i jus dun fit in, n its really startin to show.

Maybe if i cld make de team, i'll stand out in de crowd
if they cld see how hard i try, i noe they wld be proud.

U see im still a virgin, my frens they cant find out
cuz if dey really knew de truth, i noe they'd laugh n shout.

sometimes i really get so low, i wanna cash it in
my problems really arent so badm if i think of how life's been.

sometimes im really lost, n wonder wad to do
i wonder where to go, who i can tok to.

it's tough to be a teenager, sometimes life's not fair
i wish i had somewhere to go, and someone to CARE.

By Tony Overman

haha..now doesnt dat seem familiar..

PARENTS

2004-06-08T05:56:00.000-07:00

no i will not cry..after everything dats happened, i dun care..i will NOT cry..ive wasted too many of my tears on small things, n dis is one thing dat i will stop myself from crying over..
my mom slapped me today..cuz i fell aslp, n she got scolded cuz of dat..is it my fault dat my dad's unreasonable n likes to blame other pple? i dun think so..but to my mom apparently..everything is my fault..am i some kind of punching bag?? where my family members jus vent their emotions on?? esp my mom?
neither of them have ever taken de time to understand me..to understand wad im going thru as an adolescent..as a teenager..neither of dem think dat my opinions matter much..sure, sometimes my mom n i have long talks..but those talks always seemed like my mom's way of justifying her actions towards me..she never listened to wad i was feeling..whenever i tried to explain how teenagers r these days(esp me), she'll snap wif her damn sarcastic remarks like "ye lah..bagus lah tu.." y cant she jus listen n understand..yeah i noe its for my own good..but suffocating me isnt going to help much..it'll onli push me to be more rebellious den i already am..
but apparently my mom doesnt think so..she thinks dat by forcing me, i will somehow give up all this bad stuff..she doesnt noe how wrong she is..
its not dat i choose to be bad..its jus dat i wan to live my own life..i wan to be able to go out n not have dem breathing down my neck all de time..i wan to be able to say dat i have enuff freedom to fulfill my life as a teenager..
but no..dey r depriving me of my own teenage memories n they're treating me like a kid..when im 16..im 16 for lord's sake..
i wish dey cld see dat im NOT dem..n i wont ever be dem..dey wan me to stay home all de time, n study study study..so dat i can be a straight-A student n dey can show me off to my relatives instead of trying to hide my less-den-good results yr after yr..dey duwan pple to noe of my bad results n tok abt me..which embarrasses dem..haizz..seems like ive been embarrassin dem alot..
dey were embarrassed of my psle score..n theyre embarrassed of me now..ever since last yr..when i totally slacked my ass off..dey'd been trying to hide me..well..im sorry im not good enuff..heres a letter for u..

To Mom and Dad..
im sorry ive been such an evil daughter all dis time..im sorry for changing from a total geek into a total slacker..its been such a long time since i made u proud..not dat u ever made an effort to be proud of me..wad do my interests matter to u neway..?
well..im sorry im not de smartest of de bunch..but its ok..theres still imran..he'll do u guys good..better den ive ever done for u..he'll make u proud, unlike me..wadever i do, ur disappointed in me..if i go out, ur disappointed in me..if i jus pass a subject, ur disappointed in me..u cant even be bothered wif my results anymore rite..well..i dun blame u really..i dun deny dat maybe if i hadnt slacked my ass off last yr, i wldnt be in dis slump rite now..but its already happened, so jus bloody hell get over it..
im sorry if i lose dis battle im struggling to fight..but its ok..there's always imran..hes there for u to fall back on when ive lost it..i noe hes de one most dear to ur hearts..jus cuz he did better den me in de psle..jus cuz hes a sprinter in de track n field team..suddenly im nth now rite?? it doesnt matter dat i WAS(keyword=WAS) one of de better players in de softball team..even when i was, u didnt care..u didnt bother to show up at my games, like how ur doing wif him now..remember dad when u took de morning off from work jus to watch him "run like de wind"..n how both of u wld rush here n there jus to able to have time to see him run..when was de last time u guys ever did dat jus to see me play??? oh rite, there is no last time..cuz u guys never did..even tho sometimes i acted like i didnt care..n maybe for a while i even tot i didnt..secretly i was hoping dat once, jus ONCE, u guys wld take de time off from ur busy schedules to surprise me or sumthin..but no..u guys didnt care enuff to come..
n now dat adik is in secondary skl..doing well both academically n in his cca..i bet ure wondering wadever happened to me..
yeah..im stupid..i suck at wadever i do..i have no talent..i cant ever do anything rite..ive never made u proud since i entered sec skl..i embarrass u..
all my life, pple have been lookin down on me..even i look down on myself..n my parents, de ones whom i tot cld lift me up..r being added to de list too..never once did it occur to me dat dey wld be de ones adding fuel to de fire dats bringing me down..

2004-06-07T04:42:00.000-07:00

jus came back from town wif my frens..was quite fun n quite boring oso..man..town doesnt appeal to me as much as it did last time nemore..met dem at far east at like 2..n came back at like 730..at 5 lidat shar disappeared for a movie wif her cina frens..n caroline totally didnt show up at all..lerrrr..waste our time..wahahaha..
hahaha..dere was dis funny incident at far east when we were chillin outside burger king..dis malay guy n his fren were sitting at de table next to us..pigeons everywhere..den suddenly dis pigeon flew on top of their table..n guess wad de guy did to scare de bird away??? he said to de bird, "meow"..hahahhahaha..de bird didnt even do anythin..hahahaha..me n aini were laughin at dem..n when dey heard us laughing dey laughed too..hahahaha..funny..
whole day walked arnd..doin nth..jus chillin most of de time.."wash eye"..wahahahhaa..there was dis really cute guy..wearin yellow button down shirt n blue jeans..quite cute..from far lahh..haha..from far look like danny x-factor - dats a malay band btw - but near2 look old ahh..he kept going up de stairs n down agn..hahhaa..crazy..wanted to go ask for his number..haha..but cldnt..wahahahahahaha..not for me lahhh..for aini lahhhh..=x hehehehe..
wanted to take pics..but no money..haha..of cuz..since when we got money..next time mus bring digicam!!!!
den me n aini went to eat at AR-RAZZAQ cafe..or sumthin..de food there damn nice boiiiii..fuyooo..de mee goreng!!!! aaaa!!! *DrOoLs* abit salty tho..hehehehe..
was plannin to get somethin from coffee bean or starbucks..but..no money..my $1 coin mysteriously disappeared sial!!!! arrggghh!!! den until not enuff..pantat..was really cravin for sumthin all-chocolate..
den down there i tot, ok nvm ahhh..later can get..cuz me n my mom were supposed to go westmall get her a blouse..but nooooooo~ when i asked her if she still wanna go, she say i no money to buy den how to buy...wahhhhhhhhh..alasan!!! if lazy jus say lah haiyoooo..hahahha..
syg called me jus now in skl..kaozzz..soooo good to hear his voice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahaha..ok..im going crazy..but after TWO WHOLE DAYS of not tokkin to him AT ALL, i loved de sound of his voice!!!!
hahahaha..not dat didnt love de sound of his voice ledy..haizzz..
hahahaha..kk gettin sappy..neway still waitin fer him to come online..he'll prolly come arnd 930-1000...ill be watchin tv by den..
hahaha..jus read aini's blog..de whole thing i mean..hahaha..sorry lah girl i jus onli read everythin..now ur turn to read everythin of mine..wahahahhaha..good luck wokeyzz..
haha..hey so am i pro? or am i pro? did i not make dis blog practically all by myself???? ohhh i did i did i did-idddd..hehehe..(inspired by kenan n kel)
neway i gtg..im on de fone rite now..i MITE be comin back later for another update..ciaoozzzz..

2004-06-06T06:13:00.000-07:00

back wif another boring update..haha..nth much happened today..except dat i went to pasir ris for a wedding..fuyooo..didnt noe de groom was a producer from mediacorp or sumthin..saw de guy from Aksi Mat YoYo there..ariffin or sumthin?? haha..yeahh..ohh n alias kadir was there too..hahaha..funny sial he..he did his act of Ramli Sarip/SM Salim on stage..was laughin my head off..hahahaha..cute lah he..
got alot of mats there..quite cute lah..but not as cute as my darling..hehehehe..there were some minahs there too..god..lookin at dem, i felt so jealous..i keep thinkin to myself, y cant i be dat pretty??? felt so low..haizz..
after dat went home..of cuz..so boring sial..haizz..nvm..at least got no class ugama..if not ill be slpin dere man..haha..
ytd had a long tok wif my mom..sorry forgot to mention dat in ytd's entry..she told me how hurt she was dat my grandma n aunt were treatin her like she didnt exist..i feel real bad fer her..she did so many things for my aunt when my cousin(her son) was a baby..n when she was pregnant..n now my aunt's treatin my mom like shit..ever since dat incident at east coast(like a yr ago) dat bitch has been actin like my mom's jus a figment of her imagination or sumthin..
freakin waste..used to like her alot..cuz shes kinda cool..n ilham(her son) is sooooo cute..kinda looks like syg when he was a baby..n cik iwan oso quite nice..but he bloody weak lahhh..de wife show attitude to de woman who's helped his wife de most n he cant even scold her or nethin..now my impression of my aunt has soured tremendously..n will continue souring until she apologises to my mom..
my nenek oso another one lahh..she ikutkan jerrr..jus cuz my aunt de youngest kid in de family does dat mean she has to spoil her???? haiizzz..really pity my mom..her eyes were like tearing up ytd..
y is my family so blacklisted???? jahat sgt ke kite nie???? makes me feel so sad thinkin abt it..my mom is real sweet..she dun deserve all dis crap..she has helped my aunt in more ways den one..givin her advice abt de baby, helpin her do dis..do dat..n dat bitch cant even apologise after doin somethin wrong..kan dah kena panggil bitch..haizzz..
n it jus seems like..dey dun like me very much either..i dunnoe y..my aunt fitnah me when she, my mom n my dad were quarrelling at east coast last yr(dat stupid incident)..said like how i take my own sweet time n not respectin their time or wadever lahhh..fuck..shes de one late, n im de one who kena???
i tell u..one of these days im gonna confront her..or maybe ill confront my uncle instead..haha..hes easier to confront..
well..now..im more convinced den ever dat shes a spoilt brat..fugget it..im not gonna say anythin anymore abt her..waste my damn time..
haizz..wheres my syg..hes supposed to be back by today..is he still on his way back or sumthin??? is everythin ok wif him?? did anythin happen in kl or sumthin?? did his trip get extended?? if dats de case, waaaaaahhhhhhhhh not fair!!!!!!!!
gosh i miss malaysia..i miss kl..i miss genting..i miss cherating..i miss port dickson..i miss langkawi..( i shld probably cut de crap now)
but its true..i MISS MALAYSIA!!!! well..prolly dats jus cuz its de onli place i ever go to for holidays..hahah..
haizzz..cant stop thinking abt my aunt n nenek..my whole family lah actually..y does it seem like everyone's against us..r we dat bad..is it my fault?? is it becuz i dun interact much wif em???haizzz..its so stupid..becuz of one stupid squabble, i cant see my cousin nemore..he prolly doesnt even remember me now..haizz..
it sucks being so distant from ur own family..even on my mom's side of de family, im like de outcast..i dunnoe..i jus feel like im not good enuff to tok to dem or somethin..dat if i tok to dem, dey'd get bored out of their wits..dats y i usually keep quiet arnd my older cousins..i wish i were closer to dem u noe..i really envy those pple who hang out wif their cousins n stuff..its like..dey jus have so much fun u noe..
n me..im alone..ok luckily i have kak yaya, diana n farhan..oh n kak lin n kak syid..dey're de ones i feel more comfortable wif..thanks guys..=] oh n not to forget syahirah..thanks girl..
ok..ive made up my mind..from now on im gonna be more frenly..i jus wish dat pple wldnt think im sombong or wad..im not..i think myself lower den dem for god's sake..im jus shy..i dun open up to pple very easily..onli those whom ive known for quite a while..u can ask my syg..mus be damn sickening to have me as ur girlfren..cuz i practically dun tell u nethin..im sorry syg..but i noe one day i will open up..one day..
k lahhh..im gonna go n figure out how to load pics onto dis blog..ciaozzz..

2004-06-06T05:37:00.000-07:00

haha..dis is another GREAT song..bear wif me..

Eva Dan Ezad - Dua Insan

Bila kau senyum ku gembira
bila kau sedih ku menangis
bagai taman rindukan kembang
ku rindu wajahmu oh sayang

Dimana saja kau berada
ku kan tetap bersamamu
walaupun jasadku jauh
namun hatiku tetap padamu

Bila saja halangan menimpa
kerna cinta ada, ku tetap setia
hanya dikau dan asmara
membuat hidupku bagai dalam syurga

Biar masa berganti masa
biarpun musim berubah
telah ku katakan pada mu oh sayang
hanya kuasa Tuhan dapat memisahkan

Jika kau tanya pada rembulan
mengapa cahaya berseri-seri
nanti jawabnya kepadamu
kerna dikau cinta pada ku

Ku persembahkan kepada mu
sekuntum bunga mawar merah
kau terima sambil tersenyum
kembang yang harum kau cium

Bila saja halangan menimpa
kerna cinta ada, ku tetap setia
hanya dikau dan asmara
membuat hidupku bagai dalam syurga

Dua insan sedang bercinta
dua insan berjanji setia
telah ku katakan padamu oh sayang
hanya kuasa Tuhan dapat memisahkan

2004-06-06T05:22:00.000-07:00

heres de song i mentioned ytd..by Nurul n Ajai..a great song..

Aku Cinta Aku Rindu

Bagaimana harus aku
Menahan rasa rinduku
Bila kau tiada di sisi
Tak dapat ku membayangkan
Rasa rindu dalam jiwa
Kita sama sama rasa

Ku menyayangi mu
Hingga akhir hayat nanti
Pasti kan bersama aaa...
Ku mengharapkan mu
Untuk meneruskan
Perjalanan cinta ini ooo...

Aku cinta aku rindu
Walau berjauhan
Ku tahu hatimu
Aku cinta aku rindu
Tuhan berkatilah
Cinta ku padanya ooo...

Bagaimana harus aku
Menahan rasa rinduku
Bila kau tiada disisi
Tak dapat ku membayangkan
Rasa rindu dalam jiwa
Kita sama sama rasa oo...

Ku menyayangi mu
Hingga akhir hayat nanti
Pasti kan bersama oo...
Ku mengharapkan mu
Untuk meneruskan
Perjalanan cinta ini oo...

Aku cinta aku rindu
Walau berjauhan
Ku tahu hatimu
Aku cinta aku rindu
Tuhan berkatilah
Cinta ku padanya

2004-06-05T10:52:00.000-07:00

gosh im so slpy now..i dun even noe y im still online at dis hr..btw, de clock on dis blog is totally unreliable..its not 1052..its 0106 in de mornin..hehe..im not even tokkin to neone..jus reading my previous blogs n my other frens' blogs..
did i forget to tell u..today farhan told me dat he was thinking of breakin things off wif shiqin..boy was i shocked to hear dat comin from HIM..he was always de one who said he loved her n all dat crap..n den jus now in de canteen when we were havin our break, he came n sat wif us..i was kinda surprised, cuz ever since he went wif shiqin, he'd kept his distance from us..a real long distance..neway he told me dat he was gettin sick of her attitude..sikit2 marah..sikit2 merajuk..sikit2 kena pujuk..he said dat he tahan for too long ledy..
its weird u noe..its onli been a few days since their one-year anniversary..n he always said he loved her so much n all dat..heck, he gave her a bloody ring..a very nice one too..it kinda overlaps n has "farhan love ashiqin" engraved on it..he bought a pair of those for $46..not bad noe..compared to de $100+ to $500+ ones we keep seein in places like Lee Hwa Jewellery..riah told me she was de one who had recommended dat place to buy rings..back when they were still together, they'd both been plannin to buy de rings together..haizz..dun worry sis..i noe how u feel..farhan's jus an idiot lahh..dun worry..
neway when i went out wif riah ytd, she showed me de place..i think it was de basement of plaza sing..dis really blue shop..hahaha..it was damn nice tho..got all sorts of things..pendants, lockets, rings, bracelets..all quite cheap..silver 925 i think..freaking nice..
oh yeahhh..i think shiqin knew dat somethin was up today..cuz he kept leaving her alone n sitting wif us..which he never did before today..even i was shocked..
in de NE room, while de hist students were watchin some crap video on de propaganda used by de americans during world war 1(WOW i actually noe wad it was abt), farhan suddenly came n sat wif me n eva..haha..me n eva were avoidin sean, whom we heard had a crush on eva..hahaha..pity her sehhh..we were at like de side of de NE room, both leanin against de military defence cupboard n fallin aslp..hahahah..den farhan came..sat wif us for like 3/4 of de time we spent in dat damned room..when he went back to shiqin, it was damn obvious dat shiqin was pissed..she turned her face away from him everytime he tried to tok to her..haizz..oh well..dats a common sight in our class ledy lahh..dem fighting..
haha..me n eva were like laughin at dem..sayin how dey both cld do anythin in de NE room, cuz it was so dark n all..haha..de show was damn boring, n we took turns fallin aslp against de military defence cupboard..haha..funny sehh..
den after classes..i went straight home..damn sian..no one to go out wif..=[ haha..lazy to neway..i wanted to come home n work on dis wonderful blog..at de bus stop saw farhan n shiqin..gosh..both looked pissed..so i walked straight past dem..i used to their moods ledy, so i noe its best to jus leave em alone..while waitin fer de bus, saw shiqin cryin..i think she was..her eyes were red, n her nose seemed to be runnin..so i jus assumed lahh..haha..haizz..i hope they both come to de rite decision lahh..i mean, wads de point of stayin together if all u guys do is fight, quarrel n bicker??? dunnoe lahhh..dey have dis really weird relationship..
dammit i miss my syg..de whole day today i was wonderin how he was..wad he was doin..its onli been a day..but it felt like a mth..
haha..i went totally crazy missin him..even my mom noticed..when she found out dat he was in kl..she was like "padan ahh niari otak die senget.." referring to me..hahahha..i was playin my fave blink songs on my bruda's comp while workin on my blog n singin along at de top of my lungs..hahahhaa..damn funny sial recalling de whole scene..my bruda was yellin at me to shut up(he was laughin tho), n my mom was shouting "ehh memekak lahh!!!!" from de kitchen..n my dad was like "dah kenape ngan kau??" hahahahhahahahha..funny...or maybe im jus crazy..wahahahhahaha..good..
haizzz i wan tok to him now lahhh..miss him ALOT noe..yeah i noe hes comin back tml..but i prolly wont be able to get a chance to tok to him tml cuz he'll prolly be back late..den lidat ill onli get to tok to him on monday..its so long from now!!!! nooooooooooooooo~~~!!!!
hahaha..i jus heard dis song by Ajai & Nurul..called Aku Cinta Aku Rindu..haha..wad a coincidence sehhh..hahaha..
alahhhh k lahhh..damn tired now..can barely open my eyes!!! somemore tml goin to wedding at pasir ris..i love weddin ceremonies..hahaha..dunnoe y..maybe i really am crazy..wahahahahha..=p
kkkkkk..wan slp..be back tml to catch up on my bloggin kaezzz..ciaozzzz..

2004-06-05T03:00:00.000-07:00

yesahh!! finally changed de layout of dis whole thing..love dis new one..heezz..neway did a few quizzes on quizilla.com..de results r below..i lovvvveee dat picture of blink 182..i wish i cld put those quiz results somewhere else tho..hmmm..
haizzz..miss my boi!! hes in kl for de weekend..for some wedding..mus be damn fun gettin out of singapore for a while..dammit i am so sick of bein here..de hols dun even seem like hols nemore..dere's classes practically everyday..haizz..i hate skl..next week still got mrs CHEN'S chem class..haizzzz..do u noe how it feels to wake up every morning n have to see her damn face??? ughhhhh..ok lah..shes quite nice lahhh..but i've had somethin against her ever since she got me into trouble fer skippin skl..stupid..maybe not her fault lah..but still!! she cldve waited at least 2 days before callin my hse rite!!!
neway earlier dis morning(somewhere btwn 1-2 am) was tokkin to my syg on de fone..was pretty hyper-active..budden had to put down de fone for a while cuz he wanted to pack his bag for his trip to kl..went online n waited a while..damn tired boy..at first i was fine, cuz i was readin dis book..its called WALKING NAKED..very good book..one of de girls ended up killing herself..so damn sad..was cryin down there..
but de book was too short sehh..didnt cover de whole one hr dat i had while waiting for my syg to finish packing his stuff..haha..dat one oso another one..pack de bag so slooowww..=p hehehe..
den after he finished packing, called him back n resumed tokking..i was DEAD tired..but nvm lah..get to hear his voice can ledy..=] hehehe..tokked from 3 i think..until abt 4 or sumthin..told him to take care down there n dat i was gonna miss him alot alot alot alot alot..haha..was smilin when we put down de fone sehhh..hahaha..
hes supposed to be back late tml..dat lucky toot..i dun care wad he says abt it not bein a holiday..for me even de trip over there is fun..i tell u..im sick of bein in singapore ledyyy..i miss kl!!! dammit i wanna check out dat new theme park/mall..times square or somethin..siallahh..got loop-de-loop rollercoasters n stuff man..i WANNA GO!!!!
summore de time i went wif my frens to a theme park, i didnt get to ride de roller coaster there puas2..hehe..im sure u noe wad im tokkin abt aini..=p n when i went wif my family, my bruda was too CHICKEN to ride it more den once..dat arse..spoil my fun..
lalalalallalalalalalala~
im totally goin crazy missin my man here!!!! haizz..but nvm..he shld be back by tml..says hes gonna give me a hug when he gets back..hehehehehe..he'd better!!=p chey wahhhh..
oh since i didnt get to blog ytd..ill jus tell ya wad happened now..
riah came to boys town ytd for some "HOOHA" thingy..turns out its some kind of church grp thing..neway she msged me, sayin dat she was there..den after class, since everyone else had another lesson n i had nth, i went over to vincent hall to watch de "HOOHA" shit..nth much really..jus a bunch of pple playin netball n stuff..dere was dis cute eurasian-looking councillor(i think) there..looks abit like coach lawrence..hair brown2..muscular2..quite cute lahhh..
other den dat, dat was it..no cute guys..sian..hahaha..den after riah's game, me n her went to town to jus hang out..was on de bus on de way there when syg suddenly called me..private number..i tot who onli sehhh..den he say he tot wanna go out..since i was wif riah, asked him to come along..at first he agreed..budden halfway cancel..so sad..=[ haizz..oh well..wad to do..there will be other times..
me n riah had fun..actually we wanted to take some pics, but since neither of us had dat much money we jus pretended to be taking de pics(embarrassing but true heheh)..den after dat we went to LJS to share a meal..i tell u..im gettin sick of LJS ledy sehhhh..one week how many times go there sial..
den after eatin we went to PS..cuz i wanted to go dhoby ghaut station..tokked abt all sorts of things..like our ex-es..wad dey did to us all dat crap..oh we laughed abt farhan too..hehehehe..sowie bruda..but too bad..hahahhaa..
dammit im hungry now..after tokkin abt LJS..so imma go eat now n be back later tonight wif another update..ciaoozzz..

2004-06-01T07:00:00.000-07:00

haizz..jus came back from skl..well..not skl lah actually..waited for aini from 1030 to 1215..did my maths..can u believe it???? den after dat went to imm..slack at LJS..haha..laughed n laughed n laughed..
kinda got into a fite wif sharania cuz of de beach thingy we planning for next week..fite as in "fite"..wadever lahh..LJS got really cute workers..but dey work behind ahh..at de kitchen..so cant really see dem dat well..hahaha..all de workers have to wear some really geeky bandana..pirate lahh konon..hahah..
am i dat bad a girlfren for wanting a bit of privacy??? n jus when i actually resolved telling him omost everythin dat was written in my blog, he say he duwan..i msged him ytd nite, saying dat maybe we need to have a long talk..abt everything ahhh..there has to be some things dat we need to get off our chests rite..haizzz..but he duwan i guess..when i came online jus now, his nick was "A long talk?? for wad?? We'll jus end up fighting.."
wad sehhh..fine den dun tok..i oso dunnoe wad to say ledyy..i jus hope he noes dat my not wanting to show him my blog has nth to do wif my feelins fer him..if anything, its abt HIS feelings for me..i duwan later he read all de nasty stuff den like angry2..den not good rite..
haizz..i noe i noe..im gonna hafta show him de blog sometime..dunnoe lahhh..i mite jus give in n show him de blog like today..dat is..if he ever toks to me agn..haizzzz..IM SORRYYYYYYYYYYYYYY..R U EVER GONNA TOK TO ME EVER AGAIN?????

2004-05-31T08:32:00.000-07:00

its been such a long time since i last blogged..missed dis blog sehh..hehehe..well..me been busy..not studying, if dats wad u were thinking..hahaha..pls lahh..look at my face..will study one ah???? hehehhee..jkjk..i will start studying..when de time comes..haizzz..o levels coming dok..hehe..ok lah..i wont start on dat topic..too depressing..
well..today after my malay o level paper, i went to meet my syg..hehehe..missed him sehh..even tho id onli seen him last thurs..sial..it really feels like one day of meetin him is not enuff..its like i have to be wif him all de time..wahaha..sappy..but true..haizzz..luv him sehhh..
okay..lets tok abt de date..we went to a really great movie..shrek 2..its sooooo damn cute!!! sooooo damn romantic noe de plot..haizz..great movie to watch wif ur sweetheart..
den after de movie we went home..cuz his mom didnt exactly allow him to go out, so he had to rush home..haizzz..but we hung out a bit before leaving tho..hahaha..actually i kinda forced him to lahh..=x went to de bus interchange, realized dat we both had to go to de loo, den walked back into causeway point..went to de loo, n walked back to de bus interchange agn..wahahahah..funny sial..den i sat wif him until his bus came..tickled him like mad cuz he wldnt show me his ez link..hahaha..fun times..
dammit..he wans to see de blog..how how how..i think maybe ill jus show him some parts..de parts dat i really wan him to noe..i scared lahh..later he read all dis crap i wrote, den he angry or hurt..not dat i wanna keep anythin from him..i think he thinks dat i dun trust him..y lah y..some things have to be kept in private too u noe..haizz..dunnoe lahh..i noe everything gonna be spilled out soon neway..but..maybe jus not now..haizz..he mus be sick of waiting..sorry syg..if ur feelin wad i mentioned jus now..i dun mean to keep anythin from u, or make it hard for u..but..haizz..i dunnoe lahh..

UnTitLeD

2004-05-28T09:59:00.000-07:00

dis entry's untitled cuz..i chose it to be..haha..well actually cuz i cant think of a title..n i was listenin to a song by blink 182 dats called Untitled..haha..
oh kids..pls listen to dat song..its a great song..its Untitled by Blink 182..
totally fell in love wif blink..so u shld too..=]
today was de parents teacher meet..i got 29 fer my l1r4..mr lee[physics teacher] told me to aim for 18 pts fer my prelims..he said its so dat i can have de confidence to get ABOVE 18 for o levels..huh..yeah rite..i wldnt have any confidence if my life depended on it..
my dad got scared..he thinks im not worried..pls lahhhh..im not stupid ok..how can i NOT be worried abt o levels??? do i look like some kind of devil daughter who dun care abt studies at all??? cuz dats wad dey seem to think i am..i tell u ahh..if dey keep dis up..i mite jus turn into a devil daughter..jus to piss dem off..cabar me some more lahhh..stupid..
i noe i noe..for my own good..but wad good is it to me when dey keep demoralizing me?? it seems like everyone doesnt think i can make it..my parents..my frens(mainly farhan who keeps sayin dat im stupid)..bitch tuition teacher..n its like..deyre makin ME feel like i cant make it..if everyone arnd me doesnt believe in me..den how can i believe in myself?? im scared dat if dis keeps up..i mite not be able to go thru de o levels in one piece..i duwanna end up like some of my frens who went to ite..
haizzz..after every single exam i will tell myself dat i will study..but i never follow thru..n dats like seriously irritatin..i look at eva..see how well she's done..n it makes me feel like im stupid u noe..haizzz..i noe i can do it..i noe i can do well..i jus have to have de drive..but rite now..i have onli a tiny drive..n dat aint gonna help me much..
ooohhhhh guess wad??!! i think im not havin tuition no more!!!!!!!!!! yay!!!!!!!!!!! deres no way im gonna go back to dat bitch who keeps demoralizing me..she think she very smart..well..ms poh better..so too bad..ur one person short of gettin money from..

2004-05-14T03:20:00.000-07:00

i love my boi very much..very very VERY much..more den nething n neone else in dis world..except maybe my parents..
he's de best thing dat's ever happened to me..n i duwanna lose him..de first time i met him, i didnt think he'd be de one for me..even tho at dat time, he was everythin id been lookin for..i totally regret not cherishing him last yr..i was such an idiot..well..i have to admit lahh..last yr, i wasnt really very serious in relationships..i played wif iman's, wandy's, n hazim's feelings..like one after another..well actually not so much of iman's feelings ah..there were alot of strong feelings involving him at dat time..but i wasnt as serious as i tot i wld be..it was so stupid, cuz jus when i was gettin serious n lovin him alot, he DUMPED me..for reasons still unknown..
went thru alot wif him..from our semi-serious 6-mth relationship last yr(march-sept)..to his ignoring me during our 1-mth patch after wandy n hazim..to being frens wif him from den on until de src dis yr..all those times, i was jus so content wif him being HIM(sweet n innocent guy who didnt hang arnd concepts)..dat i forgot dat one person can change..
ive always longed to be part of some minah army..tho i dun admit it to anyone..i jus wanna hang out wif a big group..instead of jus one or two of us at a time u noe..but dat's like impossible..im jus not one for all dis crap..all dis MINAH-ism..cuz i am NOT a minah..ive learned to accept dat..
when iman changed to become a total mat, he totally changed..even his perceptions on minahs changed..from not wanting girls to wear skimpy outfits, he now says dat u have to, if u wanna score points wif em..i oways tot dat wif him, i cld wear nethin i want..n be wad i wan..but dat day when he told me dat he had changed, i felt like he was one of those pple who were suffocating me to be somethin i didnt wan to be..yeah i noe..he didnt say he WANTED me to be dat way, but i jus felt like it u noe..i felt like i cldnt be myself arnd anyone anymore, now dat he'd changed his perception of things..n my heart jus dropped..from de beginning, he had been my idea of de perfect guy for me..religious, loving, responsible, can run a family well, can push me to become a better muslim cuz of his values..
but now..hes changed..now hes turned into total skinhead..he thinks dat i duwan him to be a skinhead cuz of de hair thing..but im not dat shallow ok..i jus duwan him to go astray..to mix in wif de wrong company..i duwan him to lose himself in all dat..wad if he terpengaruh wif dem too much..den follow dem go clubbing or wadever..n start drinking n everything?? i duwan to sound like a mom but yeahhh..i duwan him to turn into total MAT..cuz i dun trust mats..haizz..sekali become like ikwan all how..drink here..drink there..haizz..well..
haizz..maybe im jus bein selfish..maybe im jus afraid dat thru all dis skinhead stuff, hes gonna meet someone wif de same interests as him..n im gonna be pushed aside agn..or maybe we're jus too diff..but i dun think so..
i noe..im a totally insecure, selfish girlfren..but i worry for him lahhh..pls..anything can happen..more den anything, i wanna try to change him for de better..not for de worse..
i noe hes still de same person inside..de same sweet, loving guy i noe..but i cant help thinkin all dat's gonna change u noe..
i never told him any of dis..i duwan him to feel like everyone's totally against him being a skinhead..i duwan him to feel like when he finally finds somethin he likes to be, everyone else hates it..i duwan dat fer him..i jus wan him to be happy wif who he is..
maybe being a skinhead is wad he is..maybe its not..alah..i dun really noe wad skinhead concept's all abt neway..i shld jus stop my yakking n get on wif my life..but i feel hes alot better den all dis concept shit..if he wasnt, he wldnt care abt how piercing will affect his life as a muslim..he wldnt feel bad doin all those things..hes better den all dis..
all i noe is dat a skinhead is wad he wans to be..n i cant do anythin to change dat..its his life..i have no rite to control him..dats y im not sayin nethin to him..maybe its de wrong thing to do..but..i cant do anythin to ruin his happiness rite?? i mean, hes finally part of somethin..which is more den i can say for myself..hmmm..if i were given a chance to be part of some minah army, i think id take it..i long for a sense of belonging too ok..n for like pple to look up to me..all my life pple have been lookin down on me..im gettin pretty sick of it..sooo..i guess i noe where he's comin from..
well..truth be told..i guess i dun really care wad he is..jus as long as he loves me, noes his responsibilities, n doesnt go overboard..like..drinking..etc..
i think im jus an insecure idiot..
im even afraid to care for him too much..cuz i duwan to end up being a mess if anythin ever happens..kaozz..never did it occur to me dat dis kind of thing(scared to love someone in case i get hurt) wld happen to me..last time, everything was jus a game..didnt think dis game wld backfire on me..

2004-05-08T09:45:00.000-07:00

fear..u can clearly see it in my eyes..cuz dats wads etched onto my insides..i wonder..will i ever be able to get over it..dis horrible paranoia seeping out of me n spoiling everything dats ever been good for me..dis fear..dis pain..dis jealousy..dis anger..dis sadness..
here is where i write my feelings..i cannot let myself show dis to anyone..becuz dis place here is mine..n mine alone..at first, de purpose of dis blog was so other pple cld see n be impressed..but as i pen down each n every one of my happiness, my insecurity, my jealousy n all dat i feel..it has become like a part of me..n i feel like dis is a part of me im not ready to show anyone yet..i love dis blog..
mLi..mimi love iman..yes its true..i love him..more den any words can say..even more den dis blog..haizz..im still scared..no matter how much i love him..deres still dat fear..i hate dat fear..it makes me look like a freak..n i feel like hating myself cuz im a freak..always paranoid..always jumpin to conclusions..
y cant i be like other pple..who're normal..haizzz..how i wish i cld feel a sense of security in wadever i do..instead im always feeling scared dat im gonna be mocked..or pained..im forever thankful for dis blog..cuz it helped me alot in de past..altho ive onli started it dis yr, but nvm..it still helped me alot..

2004-04-10T01:36:00.000-07:00

feeling so trapped..another day stuck at home..i cant go out wif my frens..i cant go out at all..Y?? cuz theres no reason to..at least dats wad my dad said..pls lahhh..im so SICK of staying at home all de time..i have a life..i have frens..i have a boyfren..when am i gonna be able to get out of dis shit..i hate it..not home, but jus stayin at home all de time..
im so trapped..i jus wanna get out of de house n maybe den ill be fine..I JUS WANNA BREAK FREE!!!! ive been coming online since morning..two whole FARKING days of being at home..I HATE IT..
my frens r out..i was supposed to go wif dem..but noooooo..i hv to stay at home..n we're not even going out!!!! FUCK IT!!!!
n wad de hell is wrong wif me??? y do i keep thinking im being cheated on??? wads my damn fucking problem??????!!! argh wish it'd jus stop haunting me!!!
i really love him..dats something dats fer sure..i duwanna lose him..i dunnoe wad ill do if i ever do..ill prolly jus cry n cry n cry..n shut myself out from de rest of de world..n i wldnt be able to look at any other guy nemore..for a loooonnggg while..my insides wld die..dats how id describe it..DAMN DIS FARKING PARANOIA!!!!!
aaaarrrrrggggghhhhh i hate being cooped up at home!!! FUCK DIS PLACE!!!!!

2004-04-01T04:42:00.000-08:00

went to de montfort match today..against woodlands ring sec..mann..i expected wrs to suck boi..but dey didnt..de pitcher was damn good..bloody hell..so damn fast..
i dunnoe de score..iman oso dunnoe..hes really upset..haizz..feel so bad fer him..i really wanted dem to win..n i noe how much he wanted to beat dem..haizz..some of dem were cute..but got attitude..annar..win onli wanna eksenn ahhh..hegi dahhh!

2004-04-01T04:26:00.000-08:00

dedicated to my beloved sweetheart..i love u..

Guy Sebastian - Angels Brought Me Here

its been a long n winding journey
but im finally here tonite
picking up de pieces, walkin back into de light
in de sunset of ur glory, where my heart n future lies
there's nth like dat feelin when i look into ur eyes

my dreams came true when i found u..
i found u..my miracle..

*chorus*
if u cld see wad i see, dat ur de answer to all my prayers
n if u cld feel de tenderness dat i feel
u wld noe, it wld be clear
dat angels brought me here

standing here before u
feels like ive been born agn
every breath is ur love
every heartbeat speaks ur name

my dreams came true right here in front of u
my miracle..

*chorus*
if u cld see wad i see, dat ur de answer to all my prayers
n if u cld feel de tenderness dat i feel
u wld noe, it wld be clear
dat angels brought me here

Brought me here to be with you,
I'll be forever grateful (oh forever Faithful)
My dreams came true
When I found you
My miracle...

If you could see, what i see, you're the answer to my prayers
And if you could feel, the tenderness i feel
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here...
Yes they brought me here...
If you could feel, the tenderness i feel...
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here...

2004-03-26T18:51:00.000-08:00

stress stress stress stress~!!! first it was studies..den it was my love life..n now its softball!!! wads happening to me??? y does it seem like no matter wad i do, ill never make neone happy, including myself?
theres dis stupid softball camp coming up..but im not goin..i have tuition on friday n flag day on saturday..i noe dis camp is supposed to be important..but wad do i get out of it? its not like im gonna suddenly turn from an okay player to a star player in twelve hours rite?? haizz..plus i have a date wif my syg tml..n how am i supposed to go out wif my laling if i have to go fer training??? nehiiiii~~!!!! i wanna see my syg before his game on monday..dunnoe y, i jus do..maybe so dat i can wish him good luck or sumthin..
den after dat maybe we all goin for de punk gig at kallang riverside..i wanna go to dat sial..got abg hafiz's(my cousin) band playing..i wanna see dem play..first time..cannot miss..heezz..
plus my syg ask me go..so must go..dun care..hahaha..cheyyy..like matter of life n death lidat boy..
n maybe if de gig sucks, den me n aini will go to de anti drug abuse dance finals at SIS..singapore indoor stadium..we got de ticks..
n we're all going shopping tml~!!!! cant miss!!! we'd been planning fer dis day for so long dat id hate to see all our effort to planning go to waste..haizzz..
my bday's on monday, so im gonna ask my parents to gimme sum bucks to spend on myself n my frens n my syg..(hopefully enuff ahh)..i need to get some new clothes..pronto!!!
i jus bought a new skirt n white belt from this fashion today..before tuition..its really nice..kinda short but nvm..i like it..n i like de belt too..jus like wad ive been lookin for all dis while..must thank sharania for pointin out de belts..hehe..de skirt cost me...guess how much???? $11.20~!!!! can u believe it???? all thanks to my this fashion membership card!! since monday's my bday, they gave me twenty percent off!! so from $14 it became $11.20!! heezz..de belt cost me $4.80..haha..i love this fashion suddenly..
tml..hopefully..im gonna get myself a new blouse..one of those minah types u noe..maybe a new denim jacket..n maybe sum new shoes too..heezz..cheyy..macam ade banyak duit gitu ehhh..but hey..its my bday..i need new clothes..haizz..
so sad..not gonna watch movie tml..i was lookin forward to it..but too bad..haizz..stupid..y now no good movies sial..pantat betul..arghhh..
i wanna go dhoby ghaut this fashion sial..damn nice..its so HUGE n so many things to buy!!! WE LOVE DAT PLACE! shar got her new sunglasses there for $4..cool huh? summore nice u noe..
haizz..i dunnoe wad to do abt de softball thing..mr wong says dat if we dun go, den we're kicked off de team..wad de fuck man..some pple have a life u noe..bloody cock..haizz..we're not gonna get to play neway..so wads de bloody point..n we're not gonna get de jersey..dats de onli sad part of it..haizz..its de last yr n we dun get jersey..freaking sad man..haizz..nvm ahhh..go make outside one..crapp lahh..
ok lahh..gettin depressed now..wanna makan..damn hungry boy..sooo be back later wif another update..byeeeee..

2004-03-23T19:51:00.000-08:00

im back wif yet another wonderful update..went to de orphanage today..soooo boring cuz we cldnt interact wif de residents!!! irritating!!! haha..
my syg msged me in class..but cldnt reply cuz got no money in my prepaid..i finally replied him after skl..using fred's fone..heezz..cannot resist msgin my syg lahh..I MISS HIM ALOT ALOT ALOT~!!!
we tokked on de fone late at nite ytd..he told me to call him at abt 11 lidat..so i did..n we tokked..de poor guy's toenail came off cuz he accidentally walked into de door..eeekkk..blood everywhere..my poor guy..haha..eeekkk..dat had to hurt..
we tokked until abt 1230 lidat..late ledy lahhh..de next day got skl noe..plus his dad came home..so we had to put down..haizz..if can i wanna tok to him de whole nite..or jus longer..like me n ikwan last time..but cldnt..
tokkin wif ikwan was fun..i miss tokkin to him..jus tokkin to him..cuz hes a real nice guy..really funny..he never struck me as boyfren material..hes like a bruda to me..but nowadays never contact ledyy..cuz my prepaid got no money..n maybe hes scared to tok to me on de fone cuz i got boyfren ledy..haha..dunnoe lahh..he still owes me a lunch..dat toot..nvm..one day..
hes a big jerk..a freakin playa..id like to tell him to fug off u noe..he bloody hell asked me for stead when he was freaking drunk..den two days after dat i find out he had another girlfren..still had de bloody nerve to ask me for help u noe..dat freaking idiot..oh well..lucky i got iman now..heezz..
ehhhh can someone plsssss tell me y izzit dat whenever i have a new guy, im so paranoid dat he has another girlfren?? is it becoz of past experiences?? my god..its gettin really irritating noe my paranoia..i keep feelin scared dat im gonna get hurt..y cant i jus love normally??
i mean..things r like going really great rite now..so y cant this STUPID PARANOIA jus get away from me???!!!i jus dunnoe y im so paranoid all de time..ever since everything dats happened between me n dat jerk..n me n those other jerks..den me n jerome..i feel like i cant ever trust anyone ever agn..i duwanna get hurt agn..if it happens agn, i tell u..i dunnoe wad id do..id prolly slit my wrist..esp if its where iman's concerned..
id cry my eyes out dats for sure..den never look at anyone in de eye ever agn..id never tok to guys nemore..except for my guy frens..farhan n siva..maybe ah..
wad kind of girlfren am i..i took a test on wad type of girlfren i was, n i found out i was de dream girlfren..but wld a dream girlfren be so paranoid..?
sobzz..i dunnoe who to trust..i dunnoe HOW to trust..help...

2004-03-23T04:06:00.000-08:00

to HIM..

(improvised lyrics)
when im lost in de rain..
in ur eyes can i find de light to light my way?
when im scared, losin ground..
when my world has gone crazy..
can u turn it all arnd?

n when i need a fren..
will u be by my side?
will u be there givin me all u got?

for a shield from de storm..
for a fren, for a love to keep me safe n warm..
can i turn to u?
for de strength to be strong..
for de will to carry on..
for everything u do..for everythin dats true..
can i turn to u?

when i lose de will to win..
if i jus reach for u, can i breathe to start agn?
can i do just anything?
is ur love really so amazing? is ur love really jus as free?

n when im down will u be there..
pushin me to de top?

2004-03-21T05:46:00.000-08:00

me n iman got back together on monday..its been a week of emotional bliss..i saw him on thursday..at expo for some bodyworlds crap..it was boring there..but real fun wif him..heezz..met his mom n bruda..saw his dad..haha..his dad was outside somewhere..onli caught a glimpse of him..
his mom looks like mine sial..those short, pudgy types..ehehe..really cute ah..like my mommy..she shld be nice too..haha..dun really noe..
on friday met him agn..at src agn..hes sooo sweet..holdin my hand n stuff..huggin me..haizzz..its so nice to have him arnd u noe?? even tho i once said dat i didnt care abt him nemore(long time ago, back when we got back together de first time) i really care abt him now..i onli hope he doesnt pull a jerome or wandy on me..

2004-03-10T04:44:00.000-08:00

hAvE i EvEr MeNtiOnEd DaT i LoVe bLiNk 182's "tHe ToM, mArK n tRaViS sHoW"???? i LOVE IT!!! haha..its hilarious i tell u..in between de songs there r like snippets of conversations between tom n mark during their shows..its hilarious..haha..
well today me n aini went fer training..even tho jerome tan suspended us from softball..but heck lahhh..saturday's the softball carnival~!!!! i cant wait!!! onli kak aini wont be there..how sad..=( but dats ok lah..theres still aini n shar..heezz..
nth much of bad stuff happened today..after training ate noodles as usual..den when full ledy go home..i stank man..haha..duuhhhh rite after training..
training wasnt so good fer me tho..my batting sucked..i dunnoe y but i cant hit as well as i used to..I WANNA HIT!!!! n i sucked at fielding..as always..but nvm ah..got a few good plays..haizz..i dunnoe if im gonna be playing on sat man..crap..
well lets move on to lighter subjects..like..de carnival on sat!!!!! i love softball carnival!!! hehehe..dats where i met iman..hmmm..dejavu..hehe..i cant wait to watch all de games wif all de cute guys in de teams!! whoo hoo!! haha..im hoping to meet de temasek players..me, shar n nat(she quit de team already) got to noe some of dem..they bought us drinks..hehe..neway theyre real nice guys..real good guys..theyre younger tho..wasted..haha..
hmmm..i have nth to do now..real bored..so im jus typin every single tot in my head..haha..i have no inspirational stories or letters today..cuz nth much happened today..
ohhh ikwan called me ytd..he said dat he had a sixth sense dat faiz likes me..wahahaahah..yeah..yeah RITE..faiz said i was sexy..ahahaha..when in truth i wasnt wearin anythin skimpy at all..jus a skirt n blouse..i was hot tho..hehehehe=x..jus kiddin lah..i cld never praise myself dat way n actually mean it..haha..i have dat much confidence in myself..haha..
wahhhh..jus now iman ahhh..eksen sehhh..pple say hie to him online dunnoe how to say back..idiot sial..haha..takpe takpe...nanti..=p
hahaha..ok lahh..im goin off now..mus go makan..hungry noe..heezz..ciaoz..

2004-03-07T04:04:00.000-08:00

jus came back from dance works at westmall..was kinda boring tho..halfway thru de show, ikwan came n took de cd i burned fer him..dat idiot..make me burn fer him cd at 2 oclock in de mornin..buang current jek..
den after de whole show (aes didnt win anythin sadly)..ikwan ask us go in front of delifrance there..jus sit there tok tok ahh..makan makan semue takde..semue tengah budget lah katekan..haha..dat reminds me..he owes me a freakin lunch..n fai owes me a movie..MuAhAhAhAHhaHAhHa..so many pple owe me sial..power~
theyre all perverts sial..so my skirt's short..but dat doesnt mean he has to go peeking rite??!! stupid idiot..den he say we both sexy..hegi dahhh..
but den near to 6 oclock, those a-holes left us..dunnoe go where..den still can sms noe..ask "umi u all dah nak balik eh?" pantat..we down there waitin for dem, diorang cam nak halau sial..kalau boring tu bilang ajer lahh..
but it was fun kiddin arnd wif dat toot..he was from my old skl..dats de first way i got to noe him..but in pri skl we never tokked..haha..no idea y..
faiz is kinda cute lah..ikwan said somethin bout him bein interested in me..wahahahahhahaha..joke of de day man..wad wld a guy like him want wif a girl like me? im selenger, he's cool..im a good girl, hes damn bad boi..
he looks abit like freddy kruger..no offence to faiz..but its true..his nose abit penyek..haha..but ok looking lahh..haizz..they all typical mats ahhh..but im no typical minah..i dun fit in wif dem..hahaha..
i really dun feel like going to east coast dis saturday..or friday..its not dat i dun like bein in their company..its jus dat i dun think THEY like bein in my company..after all, im nothin to dem rite? im merely a speck of dust on de floor..even though ive changed my dressing, n my hair, n my makeup, i still dun feel like im deserving of them..they're mats..im nerd..we dun go together..
but i really wanna be frens wif dem ahh..theyre really fun pple..i guess..one of their frens stole a piece of sushi from de shop..ikwan stole a cap from beach road..faiz? i dunnoe..hey i heard from wan hes a real sweetheart when it comes to girls..his last girlfren lasted arnd 1 yr plus..pretty cool huh? my longest was five months plus..haha..vast difference man..
oh well..dun think im ready to commit to anyone anyway..ill prolly jus stray..dat is, until i find de rite guy..which is....? i have no idea..i jus hope he comes by soon..its really lonely without someone by my side..who noes..it cld be someone like faiz or wan or whoever..but i doubt it..they wldnt want me..n i dun think id want dem..unless they really earn my trust..i jus hope dat de next guy dat comes along doesnt hurt me like how jerome did..n i hope dat i dun treat him like how i treated hazim..feel so bad abt dat..i still dunnoe if he was really serious or jus plain desperate..hahaha..still..i had no rite to treat him dat way..
to all de pple dat ive hurt along the way..im really sorry..
to iman..im sorry ive been controlling u..i dunnoe how, but u said i did, so i believe u..im sorry..i never meant to do dat..its jus dat sometimes pple do things but they dun realize wad theyre doin..im really sorry..i hate controlling pple, but it seems like id been controllin u..n i didnt even realize it..am i dumb or am i dumb??? really sorry kaezzz..i hope we can still be frens k..
to wandy..im so so so sorry for hurtin u so bad..dat time at sentosa..i didnt mean to..i didnt think it mattered..im sorry i was huggin n holdin hands wif iman rite in front of u, embarrassing u n breaking ur heart in two..i never meant to hurt u..u were so good to me, n i spoiled it all..by being a stupid bitch..i understand totally y u treated me so bad during our one-month long relationship..i deserve every single stab of heartbreak dat i get..haiz..im so sorry..hope u forgive me..
to hazim..im sorry fer treating u like, as u said, "baju"..nak pakai pakai, tapi kalau tak nak, buang..im sorry cuz i was plannin to play u all along..i didnt really like u..not like u said u liked me..i was jus infatuated wif de fact dat u were kinda cute, n u were tapered n cool..n i wanted to be in de cool crowd too..i guess i was using u..but during de relationship, i felt really bad..dats y i kept breakin up wif u..i jus cldnt go thru wif it..u were so nice to me..u picked me up from skl, even tho u hadnt been in skl dat day..u bought me chicken nuggets n watched over me from afar..dun think i dunnoe..i noe u were always watching me when i was away from u..like when i was sittin inside mcd, n u were outside..i felt ur stares..n when i looked at u, sure enuff u were looking..ur such a sweet boyfren, n im sorry i wasnt a good enuff girl fer u..its jus really hard for me to trust a mat tapered like u..or well jus a plain mat..=x
to jerome..i dun wanna be sorry to u nemore..ur de onli one who doesnt deserve any sorries..ur a selfish, mean-spirited fucker n i hate u..ur de one who hurt me, yet u still call me a whore..who do u think u r huh..u spoiled daddy's boi..all de things u said abt me..dun think i dunnoe abt dem..ur de asshole, yet im de victim..i hope one day u will get as hurt as i was..u will love someone, n den be betrayed..huh..how i wish u cld feel wad i felt..its becuz of u dat i had to act in front of my frens dat im over u..yes jerome, it still hurts..but im not gonna do anythin anymore..cuz ur an asshole..n i hate u..
to aini..im sorry for bein such a bad best fren..i didnt mean to bitch abt u..its jus dat some events dat have happened during de last three yrs of our frenship has made me very suspicious of everyone n everythin arnd me..u included..dat time during dat whole "filipino" incident..it just hurt me when u hinted to him dat u liked him..up till de point where he liked u back..haizz..but i guess dats all in de past..theres still a scar in my heart tho..im so afraid to get a boi now..scared dat he'll like u instead of me..well..dat already happened..wif jerome..haizz..im sorry tho..for always bein in ur way..n for bein a bitch..but i gues dats jus de way i am..scarred once, n im scarred fer life..haizz..i didnt wanna be dis way at all..
to wan..my new found fren..thanks fer being there fer me..even tho u urself dun realize it..haha..but ur tokkin to me helped ease de pain inside me..u made me laugh, n i cld be crazy again over de fone wif someone..its a good feelin to finally be able to tok to someone agn..thanks fer ur word of advice..de thing abt hurtin other pple n dem hurting me back..i never realized how true it was..thanks alot wan..ur one of de nicest mats i noe..even tho sumtimes very irritating..like jus now..haha..but hey..dats normal..n im sorry if i have bored u out of ur wits wif my shyness n wackiness..but dats me..take it or leave it..haha..
well dats enuff fer today..im bushed n still need to study..be back tml..ciaoz..

2004-03-06T04:33:00.000-08:00

hold on..if u feel like lettin go..
really cool song..has great meaning sial..rite now..im tellin myself to hold on..no matter how much it hurts me to think abt him..i will hold on..n no matter wad, i wont lose myself..
well..good things came out of dat now-hated valentine's day at east coast park..me n eva made frens wif ikwan n his fren..me n ikwan have become quite close..we tokked last nite from eleven till 2.30 in de mornin..it was real funny..both of us were tryin to make stupid accents..haha..
so its true dat every cloud has a silver lining..

2004-02-25T07:23:00.000-08:00

To Jerome..Even though u'll never read it..
u're probably wondering y im writin dis here instead of sms-ing u..well i simply have too much to say to u..but actually now dat im typing it out, i dun even noe how n where to start..
lemme begin by saying im sorry..im sorry ive been making things difficult for u..i noe i still am, but im doin my best to make it easier fer u..it doesnt matter if it hurts me..jus as long as u get wad u want..n dat ur happy..n if bein happy means not being wif me..den so be it..i already knew from de very beginning dat sumthin like dis was gonna happen neway..haizz..
ure probably askin, if id known dis wld happen, y'd i get myself involved wif u in de first place? y'd i expose myself to inevitable heartbreak? well, like u urself said..i shld take de risk..n i believed u..i believed u when u said dat i cld trust u..i believed u when u said "i love u"..i believed u so much dat i even said it back, n i jus kept hoping against hope dat wad i knew was gonna happen wldnt happen..dat it was jus my paranoia..all dis time i'd been praying n praying to God dat he'd protect me from dis pain dat im feeling..dat u wldnt hurt me.. i loved u so much den..do u remember? if u dun, dats ok..i probably didnt mean as much to u as u did to me..y wld i? if i had, how cld ur feelings for me changed so fast..? it had onli been a week from dat wonderful valentine's day when u started liking her..wad wrong did i do..i still dunnoe..i'd been thinkin abt it de whole weekend..ever since friday..i knew something was up..y didnt u tell me..? y didnt u wanna tell me..? i cant believe dat someone whom id thought was so special to me was planning to hurt me so badly on a day like my birthday..yes..i noe abt dat too, jerome..
tryin to get me pissed off so dat id dump u was probably not gonna work..like i said(if u were even paying attention)..all those frustrating moments didnt count..i wldnt have dumped u jus cuz u pissed me off..im not lidat..i tot u knew..u shldve jus told me straight to my face..u didnt have to avoid me all weekend, leaving me to worry so much while u were down there having de time of ur life tokking to none other den my best fren..n showering her wif loving words jus like u once did to me..it wasnt dat long ago..jus two days before dat..n i even cried during de weekend..i dun even noe y..i guess i knew wad was goin to happen before it even happened..
when i asked u if somethin bad was gonna happen..y did u lie to me by saying dat no, nth bad is gonna happen? u told me not to worry..when in truth u knew i was gonna get hurt by u..u lied to me..y did u tell me u were grounded when u werent..? i already told u..if u wanted to dump me, dun be afraid of hurting me..im a big girl..i can handle it..im used to it already..like u said, im always being used n abused..haizz..i remember everything uve said to me..but do u even remember wad i said to u? dun think so..haizz..well so wad if i cry rite? so wad if i get hurt? jus as long as it isnt u, its fine..no one cares neway..especially not u..
everyone arnd me was asking me y i was wif u..y was i wif a person like u..they told me alot of things..bad things..but i never believed dem..i defended u, my gosh..i was so stupid..i said dat they shld get to noe u first before they open their big mouths..never once did it occur to me dat wad they were saying cld be true..
when i found out everything on monday..i ran to de toilet..to cry..it really hurt, for ur information..i stayed in de toilet for half an hr..tryin to calm myself down n tell myself dat im ok..but i wasnt..de whole day monday i was fighting back tears becuz i jus cld not believe dat u cld do such a thing to me..dat my worse nightmare was actually comin true..
i cldnt even bear to go to recess..instead of stayin at de canteen n eatin..i went to de toilet agn n ate sumthin else..sumthin dat made me feel damn sick dat day..it was horrible..i swear ill never eat those things ever agn..except for when theyre prescribed..haizz..yep..i took pills..fourteen pills to be exact..isnt it weird..de number dat i love so much finally turned against me..
i oso cldnt bear to walk up de staircase next to ur class..i was so afraid dat ud come out of ur class n see me..n id see u..n id feel like i was bein kicked in de gut..not dat i wasnt already..de pills were kickin in by de time de period after recess rolled by..i was pukin n had cold sweat n everythin..it totally sucked..but hey, i guess its not ur fault..nths ever ur fault huh..?
i cant believe how two faced u were..or shld i say three faced..to eva, u were actin all remorseful n shit..den to me u were actin all guilty n sayin sorry n shit..but to aini?? u called me a whore..u acted like id never gone stead wif u, n dat ud never liked me in de first place..like i was nth but de dust on ur shoe..wad wrong did i do to u..? y do u even bother saying sorry to me when u noe u didnt mean it..? wad kind of stunt r u tryin to pull? tryin to hurt me like dat? haizz..i guess i shldve known not to believe u when u said ud changed..huh..BIG FAT LIE..
so i heard u like eva too? de onli reason u didnt continue likin her was cuz of fred rite? haizz..shldve known..
its hurts so much to even think abt de times u were callin me sweetie, n sayang n all dat..never once did i ever think dat ud be doing de same thing to my best fren so quickly..
i HATE dis..i HATE wad ur doing to me, u asshole..i feel like i cant even stop thinkin abt it nemore..n dat sucks..i wanna forget abt u..but im so scared i cant..haizz..its ok..i noe God will help me..no matter wad, i noe God will always be there for me..so Ya Allah Ya Tuhan Ku..berikanlah aku kekuatan dan semangat untuk hidup..kembalikanlah imanku..berikanlah aku ketabahan dan ketenangan hati untuk menghadapi cubaan2 mu, Ya Allah..ini aku mohon daripada mu..aMiN~..
i kept praying n praying for dat..im tellin u..i need it..well..dun worry abt me nemore, jerome..ill be fine..ill always be fine..u dun hv to feel bad..not dat u ever did..but hey, whatever..que sera sera..ok? u jus go on wif ur happy little life..laughin happily at me behind my back..abt how stupid i was..its ok..u go on n be happy..i prayed for ur happiness, do u noe dat? after everything dats happened..i still want u to be happy..am i stupid or wad..haizz..
its ok..ill get over u..u dun hv to worry..i wont interfere wif ur life anymore..goodbye jerome..

From,
miEmiEz

2004-02-25T03:16:00.000-08:00

well..me n jerome r finally over..i got to dump him..my sms was damn harsh..i was like "hey jerome? yeah hi..sorry but i cant stead wif u anymore..u obviously dunnoe de first thing abt being in a relationship, abt being faithful..u hv wasted both our time wif ur pack of lies..so from now on u stay away from me..goodbye.."
i prayed to God that he wld gimme de strength n patience to go thru wif dis life..to get over all dis pain..i prayed..n i feel so much better now..now i noe dat my mom was rite when she said dat praying to Allah really helps..dat its de onli way i can help myself go thru dis..it really helped..Alhamdulillah dat i was born a Muslim..Alhamdulillah dat i dun have to go searching for de rite religion nemore..cuz ive already found it..
jerome always asked me to convert when we were together..n each time, i wld say NO I DUWAN TO..i love my religion as much as he loves his..he never understood wad i felt..everytime i asked HIM to convert, he wld say no..yet he says dat im not fair..he even gave me ultimatums..like if i didnt convert, he wldnt tok to me ever agn..each time he says dat, ill be like, "wad de fuck?!" like..whos de one being unfair man..
alah..im sick of being pushed arnd by my boyfrens ahh..well..by HIM mostly..he has dis superiority over me noe..i dunnoe y..its like, hes tryin to control me..n dat really sucks..he hates it when i tok abt any cute tv stars..or if i even tok to any of my guy frens..if dat happens, he'll get angry, accuse me of likin de guy, den go merajuk one corner..den i always have to pujuk him..bosan ahh..
oh well..im glad dats one bad relationship dats over..but i still feel like shit when i think abt all those times he was huggin me n stuff..haizz..i miss his smell..arrghhh no umi dun think abt his smell n his smile n..jus dun think abt him at all!!!!
haizz..i hate dis stage of gettin over sumone..it always hurts when u think abt him..but i noe one day dis pain will be gone..i dunnoe when..n i hope its soon cuz he wants to hang out wif us (me, eva, fred, shar, aini, nicole, maria)..huh..he has no frens dats y..being mean but i cant help it!!!
he's definitely gonna be arnd alot now..haizz..it wldve been easier if we were still together..but we're not..so im jus gonna hafta get used to it..
tell me..how does one person's feelings change so fast???

2004-02-13T16:25:00.000-08:00

dis song is really meaningful to me..read de lyrics n ull see what it means..its how im feelin rite now..

Kelly Clarkson - The Trouble With Love Is

Love can be a many splendid thing
has another joy u bring
a dozen roses
diamond rings
dreams for sale
and fairy tales
it'll make u hear a symphony
and u'll just want the world to see
but like a drunk that makes u blind
it'll fool u everytime

Chorus
the trouble wif love is
it can tear u up inside
make ur heart believe a lie
gets stronger den ur pride
de trouble wif love is
it doesnt care how fast u fall
n u cant refuse de call
see u've got no say at all

now i was jus once a fool
i played de game by all de rules
but now my world's a deeper blue
i'm sadder but i'm wiser too
i swore id never love again
i swore my heart wld never mend
said love wasnt worth the pain
but den i hear it call my name

Chorus
de trouble wif love is
it can tear u up inside
make ur heart believe a lie
gets stronger than ur pride
de trouble wif love is
it doesnt care how fast u fall
n u cant refuse de call
see uve got no say at all

everytime i turn around
i think ive got it all
my heart keeps callin
n i keep on fallin
over n over again
dis set story always ends de same
me standin in de pourin rain
it seems no matter wad i do
it tears my heart in two

Chorus
de trouble wif love is
it can tear u up inside
make ur heart believe a lie
gets stronger den ur pride
de trouble wif love is
it doesnt care how fast u fall
n u cant refuse de call
see uve got no say at all

2004-02-13T07:24:00.000-08:00

my syg gave me a rose ytd..for valentines day..shoooo sweet..it had a little red note too..
but i feel so bad cuz i didnt get him anythin..i keep gettin scared dat one day he'll think im not a good girlfren n go like someone like.....aini....haizzz...dat thought hurts alot..
if dat happens, syg..its ok..u can break wif me if u dun like me nemore..jus dun play arnd wif me..dun make me say i love u when u noe u dun feel de same way..dun hurt me anymore den id already be..i jus need u to be honest wif me..it will hurt i tell u..ALOT..but ill get over it soon enuff..i hope..
i noe ull prolly never read dis..but i jus wanna write it anyway..this blog really helped me alot..helped me to get over iman..n wandy..n hopefully itll help me get over u too..if we ever break up..
i feel like shit sial..like im not good enuff to be anyones girl..like i suck as a girlfren..
haizz..dis is one of de complications i was hoping to avoid..paranoia..jealousy..anger..insecurity..i hate dese complications..if onli i had never gone stead wif dat stupid filipino..he hurt me so bad dat im still in pain now..im TOO careful..haizzz..dis stinks..

2004-02-12T03:54:00.000-08:00

so is dis wad bein in a relationship is all abt? gettin jealous..den get angry..den get sad..apologize..n den de cycle repeats agn..haizz..tho we do hv our wonderful moments- n i stress wonderful - me n ma syg have both been gettin jealous..like possessive jealous..its so weird..
i borrowed my fren ben's hp to call my syg jus now after class..n syg tot i liked him..i was like, wad de heck? i onli borrowed his hp for goodness' sake..haizz..i think it still bothers him dat ben once hit my ass..in sec 2..but ive already gotten over it..so y cant he?? maybe hes jus possessive..or maybe hes jealous dat ben got to do dat n he didnt..haha..yeah rite..
oh well..at least i noe he cares..cares enuff to get jealous n possessive..he really is sweet..
haizz..on tues he got angry at me too..cuz he asked me to go to de d'lighthouse to be wif him..n he got pissed cuz he said i was tokkin to de sec ones n ignoring him..he was like "de onli reason i asked u to come here was to be wif me..n den u go ignoring me"..even tho it hurt to hear him say dat..i have to admit it was pretty sweet..
de first moment i sensed he was angry, i went up to him..put a hand on his shoulder..instead he shoved my hand off n threw de pen on de table..it was extremely scary..n i felt really bad..i omost cried when he didnt wanna tok to me..well..omost..
but its jus really weird, n kinda irritating, dat he gets jealous whenever i tok to my guy frens..or borrow their stuff..like dat time i borrowed philip's shorts cuz i didnt bring mine, n he got really angry n tried to make me jealous in return..he told me dat all de girls in his class were like hitting his ass cuz of some stupid game..n dat de boys have been doin de same..hahaa..turns out dat game didnt even exist in his class..
haizz..i dun even tok to guys like really comfortably like de way he acted to aini..oh my gosh..i saw dem in de canteen jus now n i was totally fuming sial..de minute i saw dem pushing each other wif their elbows n standin real close, my heart sank..it was like sumone had hit me in de guts..i tried to act really natural..like it didnt bother me..but seriously it did..
haizz..i didnt want this..i didnt wanna feel jealous..i didnt wanna get hurt..i didnt wanna feel like crying over someone..i had vowed not to let all these different emotions take over me again..i had vowed never to get hurt ever again..
so y am i feelin them again..y am i feelin all those emotions dat i hate..y does it seem like love is out to get me..y do i feel bad all de time..dis is not wad love is supposed to abt..love is supposed to make me feel happy..but its not.....
i onli feel happy when im wif him..n dats not good..im supposed to feel happy wif n WIFOUT him..but i dun..
i hate to see them flirtin..it hurts dat ive fallen into de trap once agn..wad kind of life is dis..always feelin hurt..always feelin angry..n jealous..
aini told him bad stuff abt me..n he fucking defended her..how do u think dat made me feel for fucks sake..i feel like one day im gonna get hurt agn..like sumthing bads gonna happen soon enuff..

2004-02-05T03:01:00.000-08:00

de onli words going thru my mind over and over agn rite now is..pls dun hurt me..its replayin in my head cuz im asking God, to pls protect me from de pain dat id felt before..id felt it so deeply dat there're still scars etched onto my heart..dis pain..i hate it..i jus wish dat in love n relationships, there wldnt be any pain..i jus wish dat it were extremely simple..dat things come with no trouble at all..
but i noe dat dat's impossible..becoz if there was no pain, there wldnt be any love..but jus dis once..i duwanna be a victim..
haizz..is it possible to have a best fren whom u cant trust?? i dunnoe..haizz..cuz i really dun feel like i can trust her..it really hurts not trustin nebody..but shes done alot of things to make me feel dis way ok..she stole two/three of my guys..it really hurt..one of them was like, my first love or sumthin..it was de first time id felt so deeply for someone..so when DAT happened..i was devastated..i cried n cried n cried..how cld my own best fren go up to him n say things dat she knew wld make him like her..how cld my best fren do sumthin like dat to me..
haizz..y issit dat when guys hv somethin bad to say, they make sure dat its on de phone..where all ur emotions cld be spilled out rite there..where u cld jus burst out crying..
in fact..i feel like cryin now..i jus smsed my boi dat i missed him..n he said he had sumthin to tell me..sumthin abt him n sumthin else..wad im wonderin is..is it him n sumTHING else..or him n someONE else???

2004-01-11T05:35:00.000-08:00

sorry havent been bloggin much dis week..jus been real busy doing homework n stuff..haha..i vow to study really hard dis yr..i cant blow my o levels man..
neway..me n iman broke up..yeap..its over..although im extremely relieved, i feel kinda sad too..cuz now i wont hv anyone to tok to at nite, or someone to love me..hehe..a bit mushy but its true..ok lah..enuff abt me..riah n farhan broke up too..i cant believe farhan..i cant believe he was only using her to lick his wounds..i cant believe my buddy, my bruda, farhan, wld do such a thing..wad a toot..haizz..mus hv a looonngg tok wif him tml..didnt get to last fri cuz he went for sec one camp(de toots a bloody student leader)..so imma take my chance tml..
poor riah was cryin on de fone to me..so poor thing..i noe jus how u feel sis..jus forget him k?
alot of shit been happenin..de school bitches r keepin their eye on me n ma buddies..altho i think deyre onli doin dat to me cuz of ma frens..they keep starin..haha..dere was dis huge dissin thing goin on last week..my group was dissin them behind their backs, onli in front of dem, where they cld hear..haha..n they were doin de same to us..but their insults? aint workin..lemme tell ya sumthin..their english aint good, boy..haha..dats y my buddies beat em by a mile..
we all noe dat one day each of us r gonna encounter one of dem(if not all) in de toilet..jus like wad happen to shar wif milan..but i hope all of us r gonna be there fer each other..cuz we aint takin no SHIT from them..they think theyre so hot? well dey can jus kiss my ass..
n these days, i see no point in comin to skl except fer study study study..no boys on ma mind rite now..like as if anyone in their rite mind wld wanna go wif me..haizz..guess im not pretty enuff or sumthin..haha..heck..
it was a beautiful day today..woke up, went to class, came home..jus like any other sunday..but de sky was bright n de sun was shinin..well, onli for part of de time anyway..it rained for a minute while i was in class agama..den when my bruda came home from his class, we both went ta de fishy shop to get us some fishes, fish food n some deco stuff for our new tank..we got sum guppies..theyre sooo cute..n de neon tetra whatever in our tank? theyre adorable!! so blue n neon..
de tiger barb n dragon fishy had to be put in other tanks cuz they keep eatin other fishies..toopid fish..if not they can tinggal in de nice habitat we created fer them ledy..
dis yr is gonna be real different den last yr..im actually gonna do homework!! hahaha..theres a chance i mite actually pass this yr ya noe..hee..
ok lahh..wanna go watch MISTERI KARINA..real interestin..catch up on my bloggin tml aight..

2004-01-04T06:18:00.000-08:00

ok im back wif yet another wonderful update..n im feeling damn confused rite now..see, my boi called me in de afternoon..n he told me dat he was jus testing me all this while when he wasnt callin me..to believe, or not to believe? i noe i may sound like de world's most horrible girlfren in de world, but maybe im jus not ready for any kind of commitment rite now? its so easy to get into a relationship, but soooo much harder to keep it..
neway my boi called..asked me y i didnt call him..he was like, "if u love someone, u shld go all out to call dat person" den he said dat he didnt feel i was doin dat..
well..its kinda true..i wasnt actually..i was all too happy to avoid him..n i dunnoe y..yet, when i tried to tell him dat maybe im not ready for his kind of intense commitment, i felt horrible..as if there was a hole in me..i dunnoe if im jus feeling sorry for him, or if i really love him..haizz..wish diaries cld tok..maybe this thing cld tell me wad to do..
but one thing is for sure..i duwanna hurt him..even if it means sacrificing myself n my heart..i can stay on wif him if he wants..but i cant guarantee dat i can love him as much as he loves me..besides, another thing dat im not sure of is whether hes really serious abt me or not..he lives so far away(hes in hougang, im in bukit batok)..and who noes wad he cld be doin all de way on de other side of the island? i feel so bad for not trustin him..but it aint my fault ok..blame my past experiences..
neway..its gettin late..i better go b4 my dad slaughters me..

2004-01-03T08:06:00.000-08:00

oh my gosh..its been so long since i last blogged..was banned from using de comp cuz of de late nights of chattin to my members..hehe..wad to do..
neway..changed de layout of this thing..all hearts n dt "love me" stuff..haizz..its wad im feelin right now..n de song is part of it too..cant somebody love me for me?? it doesnt seem as if anyone will..i have a boyfriend..but its onli a matter of status..he dun call, sms..wad kind of boyfriend is dat? but frankly speaking, i dun give a shit anymore..over time, he grew to be nothin but a spare tyre to me..bitchy, but hey, hes hurt me b4..its natural to be bitchy to him..all his sweet words were jus part of some ploy to get me back..i knew that all along..
i cant believe he turned mat tapered..he totally doesnt look de part..haha..when i told sharania dat, she burst out laughin..haha good one girl..
i remember there was once a time when i would cry or feel horrible when he didnt call(yes i was dat pathetic)..but now, i dun feel anything..i actually feel relieved dat i dun have to tok to him..think a silent-break's comin up..good..i was plannin to do dat..i got used to NOT tokkin to guys on de fone everyday..its alot better..can watch tv..haha..n oso, i loved being single..wif being single, comes de anticipation of my next target..not dat i had any..n not dat guys actually target me..
tell me..who would target a girl wif ugly specs?? obviously not those really cute guys..actually, obviously not ANYONE..haha..i have so much confidence in myself, dun i? haha..oh well..dats wad happens after gettin labelled a geek for de whole of my primary school life..but i think i've blossomed up now..n im proud of myself..haizz..managed to attract one mat tapered(still dunnoe if he was serious abt me last time)..but let him go, for some other guy named wandy..i still dunnoe whose fault it was, wandy..u made me go after u after u went after me..
well u got your revenge, boy..u happy now? hope u r..with ur upcoming band dats actually pretty good..n..hope u find someone who can really make u happy..i noe i didnt..haha..to tell u de truth, i gave up tryin to get u to warm up to me halfway durin de relationship..de funny thing was dat even tho we're in de same school..we broke up silently..pretty stupid huh? haha..
de process jus keeps continuing..u get into a relationship..act as if ur so in love..break up after a few months..maybe patch..or u dun tok to dat person for de rest of your life..its jus a daily process dat i, miz`mimi, professional player(yeah rite), have gotten used to over de years..i look back n think..wads de point? ok yeah, its real fun to have someone u can call ur own - i still yearn for dat - but de pain when it ends is terrible..haha..n when u see couples out on de street huggin n kissin, u jus think to urself, "y cant dat happen to me?" i noe i think dat..
neway..my current guy..well..dunno lahh..maybe hes busy..maybe hes cheatin on me..if dats de case..thanks for lettin me be of service to u..it mus feel great rite? well..congratulations..ill pray for u "darling"..may God have mercy on ur soul..
dis song dats playin..n de lyrics below..theyre dedicated to u..sing along kids~!

Avril Lavigne - Losing Grip

Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby
right now i feel invisible to u, like im not real
didnt u feel me lock my arms around u
why'd u turn away? heres what i have to say
i was left to cry there, waitin outside there, grinnin wif a lost stare
thats when i decided..

*ChOrUs*
Why should i care
cuz u werent there when i was scared
i was so alone
U, u need to listen
i'm startin to trip, i'm losin my grip
and im in this thing alone

am i just some chick u place beside u
to take somebody's place
when u turn around, can u recognize my face
u used to love me, u used to hug me
but dat wasnt de case, everything wasnt okay
i was left to cry there, waitin outside there, grinnin wif a lost stare
thats when i decided..

*chorus*
why should i care
cuz u werent there when i was scared
i was so alone
u, u need to listen
im startin to trip, im losing my grip
n im in this thing alone

cryin out loud, im cryin out loud
cryin out loud, im crying out loud

open your eyes, open up wide

*chorus*
why should i care
cuz u werent there when i was scared
i was so alone
if u dun care, den i dun care
we're not goin anywhere

repeat chorus until end..

2003-12-28T20:27:00.000-08:00

its a brand new day..woke up at four..dammmnn tired sial..ive been working on my blog night n day, so dat it will look nice when i post stuff, n doesnt look like some boring shit..
haha..was chattin wif riah online last nite while workin on my blog..shes one heck of a fun girl..u rAwk SiStA~!! haha..dun think she slps at all..hahaha..like me! haizz..ive become nocturnal after all these days of sleepin late..im gettin eyebags too..
well..ill continue bloggin later..now wanna watch Senario..heezz..peace..

2003-12-27T11:32:00.000-08:00

ok im finally back home..phewww..walkin arnd de whole day in high heels is tough boy..haha..summore wearing my tight baju kebaya..haha..feewit!!
went to bed last night (or shld i say this morning) at like 6.30..n woke up at 12 plus cuz we going to majlis orang kahwin..i tell u..6 hrs of slp is NOT enuff..i need at least 12 hrs..haha..siallah..want to open my eyes oso damn hard..
de majlis was held at sum woodlands cc..damn nice boy..de pelamin was on a stage, it was sooo nice! i got to take picture wif de bride n groom..hehee..boleh ahh act "glamour" sikit..hehehe..neway de bride damn pretty..made me feel so jealous..i think when i get married(insyallah), ill hire her mak andam..hahaha..
de food wasnt so good tho(no offence mak long)..chicken rice..biase ahhh..i much prefer nasi beryani..hehehe..
got a few cute guys here n there..but never really paid much attention..loyal girlfren lahh katekan ehh..hehehe..if anything, setakat tengok2 jer lahh..hehe..
den after de majlis we went to dis Sintex bedlinen sale sumwhere near Jurong Bird Park..fuyoo!! borong habis!! de comforter sets were goin at $10 each!!! hahaha..ape lagi..borong!!!
haiz..my feet ache now..cuz de road there very bumpy..n i was wearing HIGH HEELS..painful ok!! haha..
okok enuff abt dis sintex shit..after dat went to makan at jurong point..de kebab damn nice..
haha..ok lahhh..enuff said..dah takde ape2 nak tulis lagi..soooo..ciaozz..