The night goes on as i'm fading away.
u r de cause to all my problems. cause to all my depressed moods. cause to all my sadness. cause to all my pain. it is becuz of u dat i am like dis now. i hate u. u turned me into dis wif all ur hurtful words n nonchalant attitude abt me. do u think dat im always going to be here? well im not. yeah. u might think im weak. insecure. pathetically incapable of leaving u. u take me for granted. all the time. u think im always going to be here waiting for u. jus like i have been for de past 2 yrs of my life. while U take ur own sweet time n break up wif me as n when u like. den when u want me back, u jus have to accidentally msg me n ull get me back. i hate u for doing dis to me. im not a f.cking doll, goddammit. all dis while u have done NTH but make me sad. NTH but hurt me. n ur nonchalant attitude towards me? wad de fish is up wif dat? was i not as important to u as ur frens were? i dunnoe y all dis while i tolerated all dis bullcrap from these pple. wads wrong wif me?! i sabar, n i sabar, but where does it get me? i was so rite when i said u were prolly gonna dump me sooner or later. I HATE U. ure a f.cking LIAR. pretending all de way. making me feel even worse abt myself den i already am. well F.CK U. i shldve seen dis coming. oh wait. i did. but U told me it was never gonna happen agn. U gave me false hopes. U told me SHIT. SHIT dat i knew deep down was never gonna come true, n yet i stayed on anyway, cuz i actually believed all de f.ck crap u said. i was rite when i said u can never trust anyone cuz dey'll only end up leaving u. ARGH.
all dis jus goes to show how teenage boys cannot be trusted. dey're immature, fickle-minded n full of SHIT. never believe it when a teenage boy tells u he loves u. never ever take de risk of falling in love wif a teenage boy. he'll only hurt u. dey make good frens, but not boyfrens. never trust dem wif ur heart.
no, im not shunning relationships forever. jus waitin until i grow older, so dat de boys i date will most prolly be more matured by den. f.ck guys man.
haha. ok now dat ive got all dat shit off my chest, i feel better now. no regrets yo~ \m/ lol. yep. i feel more free now. oh n yeah! i finally pierced de shell of my ear! whoo hoo!! planning to have a whole line of piercings down my ear, budden later cannot solat. so dats a big problem.
hmmm. been thinking. y do i still get myself into relationships even tho i noe its gonna turn into a big effing mess? oh rite. im supposed to never give up. uh huh. rite. piss off wif dat motto. i shld be like kat stratford (played by julia stiles) from 10 things i hate abt u. independent, doesnt trust anyone, does things for herself n not others, lives only by her own expectations. now dats wad i call girl power. hmmm. i shld be like dat. mm-hmmm.
ok. im blabbing agn. de truth is, im bored. again. certain pple r ignoring me for reasons unknown so i dun really have anyone to tok to. how sad.
oh rite. tml me goin jln raye wif malay class students. cant wait. *its all abt de monay monay monay monay~*
oh n before dat deres a stupid briefing for dat first 3 mths shit. i can actually go to centralised institute cuz de requirement for dat is l1r4 - 20 n below, n i got 19 for my l1r4. LOL. dats excluding maths n science. which i failed by a bit. i got 41/100 for both. not dat bad, compared to 20+ i got last yr. hmmm. neway jus tot id check it out for a bit. mite be fun going for dat 1st three months. if dat alfian fella can do dat, den so can i.
im gettin worried for o levels. even tho i noe i did my best after mugging for one whole before each paper, im still scared. before dis, ive never passed maths n science. so wad makes me think a nite of mugging is gonna get me at least a c6 for any of dat? oh gawd. im praying n praying. hopefully i wont be crying on de day of de results.
have i ever mentioned dat i hate exams? hmmm no? ok i HATE exams.
ok. im pissed. gtg. laytaa~
wad wld u say if i asked u not to go
to forget everyone, forget everything n start over wif me
wld u take my hand n never let me go?
promise me ull never let me go
n de stars arent out tonite
n neither r we to look up at dem
y does hello feel like goodbye
n these memories cant replace
these wishes i wished n dreams i chased
take dis broken heart n make it rite
i feel like i lost everything when ur gone
left remembering wad its like
to have u here wif me
i tot u shld noe
ur not making dis easy
i never tot id be de one to say
pls dun, well pls dun leave me
i feel like i lost everything when ur gone
left remembering wad its like
to have u here wif me
i tot u shld noe
ur not making dis easy
ur not making dis easy
take my hand, n never let me go(2x)
promise me ull never let me go
ull never let go (3x)
i feel like i lost everything when ur gone
left remembering wad its like
to have u here wif me
i tot u shld noe
ur not making dis easy
yep dats de song idats playing. it rawks. sing along kids!
im turning into a depressed psycho freak!! lalalallala. sharania if ur reading dis, wads ur site addy? need ta add ya.
yehh! my blog's finally playing my FAVOURITE song!!! thanks to zulfadli's breaking the habit music codes!!! i dun even noe him but thanks!!!!
btw folks~ de song is Promise by Matchbook Romance. enjoy!!
i did something bad ytd. something i shldve dropped a long time ago. it had been a full 6 mths since i last did it. id promised so many pple dat i wldnt anymore. n yet i did it. i cldnt take it anymore. it was de only way i cld think of to let go of dis unidentified pain n distress dat was eating me from de inside. oddly, after i did it, de pain disappeared, n i was fine agn. no. i do not wan it to happen agn. looking to self-infliction of pain is not de way i want to handle my problems n stress. i do not wan to travel down dat treacherous road agn.
de scars r still there. still tender. still red. still bleeding. everytime i brush against something i flinch in pain. dey hurt. when i look at dem, i hate myself all over agn for allowing myself to grip dat weapon of terror n slash my skin open. i hate it. how cld i have done it? i feel insanely guilty now.
i dunnoe y suddenly im like dis. is it de o levels? yes. i believe it is. but it cant be only dat rite? maybe its cuz of dis...dis feeling. ahh wadever. i hate feelings neway. dey make me sad.
i hate to admit dis agn. but i miss him. yes. i miss him. was dat him online jus now? i asked if it was him, n he didnt reply me. didnt even tok to me. is he ignoring me???!!! no no cannot be. CANNOT be.
sigh. ok. time for sahur. bye.
once agn i am left here to blog like a retard. cldve been wif HIM rite now. watching his band play. but noooo~ mummy n daddy dearest said no. so now i am stuck here wif onli dear bloggie for company. sighh. life is unfair.
i wonder wad hes doing now. im goin crazy jus thinkin abt him. cuz i miss him~ 15 mins of conversation wif him online n 5 mins on de fone ytd have caused me to suffer severe withdrawal of him ytd nite n today. wad do u expect? i havent spoken to him directly for close to 2 mths now. damn u o levels~ sigh. oh wells. only 2 more weeks of hell, n i can be wif him agn. i hope~ yay!
i wonder how de band's performance is going. heard de guitarist is great. sigh. too bad i cant be there to witness it for myself. crap. im getting depressed.
smsed him dunnoe how many million times ytd - tho he never replied [ fone no money ]. jus to tell him i love him n miss him like nuts. cldnt help it. i jus had to. gawd~ im going crazy. help!
tml is maths paper 2, n i havent studied for balls. i dunnoe how im gonna fare for tml n chem paper on tues. i hate chem. all ms soo's fault [ i dun care, im not callin her mrs chen ]. if it had been mr michael teachin us, i wldve been gettin a1s rite now. but oh well, no time for regrets. jus gotta work my butt off n hope for a stroke of luck on dat day. same goes for maths.
surfed friendster like an idiot today - out of boredom. went from one person's page to another. envied all de pretty girls n drooled over all de cute guys. haha. ive got no life remember. too tired to study too. maybe later.
everywhere i look these days pple r either gettin together, or breaking up. it saddens me how at one point of time, a fren of urs is sooo happy cuz dey have found a person to love, but at another point of time dat fren of urs is so torn apart becuz he or she has lost their loved one. its so sad.
ok im done being sad. gonna try n study. tml big paper. later freaks.
*how cld dis happen to me?*
life has suddenly become a blur. a blur of textbooks, mixed feelings, n exams. i dunnoe wad im feeling or thinking anymore. while i cant wait for o levels to be over, i dun want it to end either. y, u ask? well, i dun wanna lose my frens. we used to be so close, so together. but now wad happened? its all falling apart. n i duwan any of us to forget each other as soon as we're out of skl. wads gonna happen den? r we gonna pretend we dunnoe each other when we accidentally meet somewhere? r we jus gonna smile n wave n carry on wif our busy lives? i duwan any of dat to happen. but it seems, n its becoming more n more obvious each day, dat it will.
me n aini used to be really close. but wad happened? now its like we dun even study together or anything anymore, when last time we used to go out almost everyday, doing stupid ish n making ouorselves laugh. where has it all gone to? does it really have to end? y do i have de feeling dat i wont see her agn after o levels, dat she will forget all abt me, her so called best fren? am i too uncool for her n her new lifestyle..or wad?
i noe i may not be de prettiest, or de coolest person to hang out wif. but i do deserve something. do i deserve to be dismissed like dis? no. i dun. so y issit happening?
suddenly i duwan o levels to be over. cuz if it ends, den i wont ever get to see any of my frens agn. i duwan it to happen. for us to jus fall out, its heartbreaking to think abt. but issit heartbreaking to dem?
i noe. i MITE have my syg, riah, sharania, philiee to hang out wif, but wad abt my supposed best fren? she found a boyfren n new set of frens n now suddenly im nth. its like we're onli passing acquaintances. f.ck it.
im pathetic. im lame. wadever. i dun give a crap. im jus really hurt by wads happening. n i hate me. cuz im too f.cking pathetic.
shes rite. never trust anyone, cuz if family members can leave u, den y not frens? she has no idea how rite she is. if shes not feelin it, IM feelin it. ahhh piss off.
i hate my life. i hate my skl. i hate myself. i hate my specs. i hate my anti-socialism. i hate everything.
hmmm. shld i cut? *shakes head at herself* no umi, control urself. dun, otherwise later got pple call u POSER. jus cuz dat person oso cut, suddenly u r POSER. better not.
benedict. u f.cking RAWK. dare to be different~ i wish i had ur attitude. its jus ur damn mouth. u never noe when to shut up [ lol ] but otherwise, i admire u. u rawk man. even tho ur irritating. btw~ loved wad u wore on grad nite. its different. i dun care wad others say. i LOVED it.
i hate it when i hear pple calling other pple posers. its as if dey r not. everyone's a poser in dis damned world. jus cuz u listen to a certain type of music, dress a certain way~ ure still following some sort of trend. ADMIT it, dammit. i mean, if u were de one who actually started de WHOLE thing, dats fine. but jus cuz ur into something, doesnt give u de rite to call others posers. ur no better den everyone else so quit acting like u r.
all dese stupid labels - trendy wankers, posers, wadever. jus f.ckin burn dem n may we have a peaceful world.
riah sis u rawk! ur de onli one whos been there for me thru all my ups n downs. u rawk, girl~! dun ever change! lets take billions of pics after o levels ok!!
sigh. ok. imma go eat den do chem. wadever. later freaks.
i open my eyes.
i try to see but im blinded by de white light.
i cant remember how, i cant remember why
im lying here tonite.
n i cant stand de pain.
n i cant make it go away.
no i cant stand de pain.
how cld dis happen to me?
i made my mistake, got nowhere to run.
de nite goes on as im fadin away.
im sick of dis life.
i jus wanna scream.
how cld dis happen to me?
everybody's screaming.
i try to make a sound but no one hears me.
im slippin off de edge, im hangin by a thread.
i wanna start dis over agn.
so i try to hold onto a time when nth mattered.
n i cant explain wad happened
n i cant erase de things dat ive done.
no i cant.
how cld dis happen to me?
ive made my mistakes, got nowhere to run.
de nite goes on as im fading away.
im sick of dis life.
i jus wanna scream.
how cld dis happen to me?
ive made my mistakes, got nowhere to run.
de nite goes on as im fadin away.
im sick of dis life.
i jus wanna scream.
how cld dis happen to me?
sigh. something's wrong wif my comp agn tonite. its 1.34 am in de morning, n here i am. supposed to be studyin, but hey, a lil break wont hurt me.
was tokkin to shayfik/shayfiq [ i swear i dunnoe how to pronounce de name ] jus now. he was abit upset, cuz apparently his fren bastard him by goin out wif de girl dat he likes. wad an asshole for a fren. he was really emo jus now. kesian uh.
didnt tok much to syg jus now. both of us r hardworking these days. ahakz. o-level oie. was thinkin maybe i wont come online until after o's. ill jus study, study, study. but den lidat, how to tok to him? =[ i dunnoe lah.
tml me, aini n shar gonna go shopping. meetin at 11 am at bb mrt. i have no freakin clue wad to wear. *where r my damn jeans?* n yeah, we goin shoppin for grad nite. cant wait.
im really tired rite now. dunnoe if i shld continue studyin. maybe not. mus wake up for sahur. sigh. dunnoe lah.
sowie freaks. me feelin a bit sad rite now. y, u ask? well, was jus thinkin abt how it was last time. im sittin here n im hoping, dreaming n praying dat dis time things will be better. hoping n hoping like nobody's business. no, im not being paranoid agn. i do believe ive gotten over dat crap, thank GOD. i hate being paranoid.
taking things more laid-back now. dun read too much into situations, dun jump to conclusions, dun think yg bukan-bukan. ive come a long way, n im finally here. i can finally say i trust someone. dun blame him for bein so pissed off at me last time, it was all my fault neway. i fully accept de blame.
not trusting pple - particularly guys - is extremely tiring, n yet it is somethin dat is very hard to be rid of. trust takes time to build, but my trust took AGES. haha. i used to be depressed all de time, torn between wanting to end it before hurtin anyone n wanting to hold on to it no matter wad. now i noe dat ending it jus cuz i duwanna get hurt is jus plain stupid.
i cant say de paranoia is fully gone, but i cant say its fully there either. id say most of it is gone, n traces of it r left behind. n yeah. i'd say dats quite a good thing, cuz in dis modern world, everythings jus much more difficult. u cant trust blindly. everything takes effort, n everything involves pain, whether u like it or not. there r pple who dun trust anyone AT ALL. cant blame dem, but lets get real. how long can dey hold demselves back? how long dey gonna keep running away from everythin? how long dey gonna be paranoid? n how exactly r dey gonna live their lives?
chey. im tokking as if im so experienced. but wadever. im jus writin down wad i feel.
syg jus sent me an extremely sweet msg. sigh. *butterflies dancing in my stomach*
k uh. enuff philosophising for one nite. im tired. guess i wont be studyin more after all. good nite losers.
ok. ive officially gone weird. painted my nails black n bright pink alternately. ahakz. i love de effect. for de past few mths me been experimenting wif weird nail colours n i have to admit - its fun. oso, was trying to figure out wad to wear for graduation next week. den i saw avril lavigne in a black sleeveless dress wif black nearly elbow-high lace arm-warmers n calf-length boots n red checkered knee-high socks. ultra weird, but i like it for some reason. dammit, those few mths without my baby has turned me into a freako. ahakz. only nowadays i dun show it much. wahaha. well de time has come for me to unveil my weird side to him neway. ive already bestowed upon him heavily made up eyes which he says he doesnt like. dun get me wrong, me not going against him or anything. i jus like de look of dark eyeliner arnd my eyes. ooohhh maybe i cld wear a black dress wif those black n red high cut sneaks??? *ponders* hmmm. possibility.
pple r gonna laugh if dey see me lidat at graduation. thing is, i jus DUNNOE wad to wear. n de dress code is so freaking ridiculous dat i mite as well make a fool of myself.
man. am i weird or wad?
it seems to me like since we're gonna have such limited freedom of attire, everyone's prolly gonna come in almost de same thing. n dats like, beyond embarrassing. wad if i wear de jagged skirt dat everyone wans, n 3/4 of de girls there wear de same thing? n wad abt de top? OMG. i need to go shopping. NOW.
now im itching to go shopping.
things i will prolly buy.
1) a black dress dat looks like lingerie but is not (de one dat avril wore in her cd booklet). its short, but not too short - jus above de knee, n it has fat straps.
2) black chunky shoes. mary janes maybe. no way am i gonna wear those long boots.
3) arm warmers.
4) black pantyhose. =p
5) some black skirt.
6) some see-thru top but will have like a bra-like thing inside. so can see my stomach.
7) maybe de blue skirt n top from Chaos at heeren.
8) black off-shoulder top. but its midriff baring. damn~
gawd. i need help~ where r all my frens when i really need dem. riah, aini, yasmin where r u guys???? n wheres my baby??? i miss him~
sighh.
tml me family goin to mesjid mydin to buka puasa n have kenduri for atok as well. mesjid mydin very very nice now, so i cant wait. thinkin of askin my baby to go buka there wif me, but feel kinda guilty cuz hes not family n dunnoe if he's allowed to be there. wahha. i wan see him tho. n neway dun think he'd wanna come. damn~
i dunnoe y suddenly im callin him my baby. dun usually do dat. shy lah. wahahha. but rite now i have "hey baby" by no doubt in my head, so i guess im bein influenced here. n oso, its cute. haha. my BABY~
ok ive gone nuts from boredom. where is everyone???!!!
maybe i shld do my chem now. but i see no point. i need someone to teach me. physics not bad uh. can do abit. its my chem n maths n dat im in deep shit for.
ok since no one's here i mite as well replay every single thing dat happened to me these past few days. went out to study wif my BABY~ [ahakz] on tuesday. went to hougang's long john silvers n did physics. he did chem cuz he hates physics. wahaha. contradiction huh? yeah den after abt 1 hr ++ we both cldnt study anymore so went walking arnd compass point. me, of cuz, was lookin at de dresses in metro n other shops. but sigh, sadly, all of dem r against de dress code. i think maybe i shld bag my policy of no-sleeveless clothings, cuz im beginning to think dat maybe, jus maybe, i do look good in some of dem. hmmm. dunnoe lah.
prom is not confirmed yet. how sad is dat? but if it does happen, im gonna bring my BABY~ i wanna bring him so bad dat i dun even mind payin for lets say, half of de payment? since its not his prom neway. but alah. if he duwan to come oso nvm lah. i not paksa-ing him. i jus cant think of anyone better to spend prom wif den him. was thinking abt wad to wear for prom. maybe some tubey dress wif a shawl arnd it [dun worry 'rents, im not gonna go all strapless]. it seems really sweet. n i think me gonna do my hair too. maybe an updo, wif curls n some tiny flowers in it? ahakz. like wedding lidat. but nvm. its prom. its definitely a big deal. n its held at a hotel, so imma try n look my best. maybe go for makeover. yowza~ its gonna cost a big hole in me [or rents' hehekz] pockets. im thinkin maybe all pinky pinky. or maybe black lah. if im feelin weird den maybe ill go for de latter. depends.
btw i love dis new layout. diary of a punk rock queen. whooo~! i think its great. n de notebook thing is so cute.
i wan to start a band. but cant find other members. ahakz. i wan to learn electric guitar. or if i cant, maybe ill jus be de singer. if dat happens, den de rest will all be guys. wahaha. how cool is dat~
imagine me jumpin up n down while singin. so fun.
hey i forgot abt ytd. haha. sowie. too wrapped up in prom dammit. ahakz. yeah. met my BABY~ at marina bay. supposed to go there n slack, but ended up walking n sweating out butts off cuz cldnt find de park. haha. funny seh. took bus 400 n somehow ended up in shenton way. den my BABY~ went to sholat at dis mosque there wif alot of pigeons outside, while i waited at de bus stop. cldnt sholat lah. dtg *ahem* hehekz.
i was so touched to see my BABY~ actually taking time to go sholat. not many teenage boys wld actually do dat n i felt so damn freaking lucky to have him. i still do~ n yeah he actually went in to sholat. i cannot say dat im surpised he did dat, cuz i think he's a really good guy, but judging from how MATS work, lets jus say ive been skeptical.
so yeah, he went to sholat while i waited. den after dat we went walkin arnd. de place was freaking boring so we took mrt to city hall. den from city hall we walked to de esplanade. well, sg river lah. den sat down at de steps overlookin de river n tokked. n took pics. it was great jus bein wif him uh. totally destressed me. n believe me, i needed destressing.
listenin to avril lavigne now. Under My Skin. its not bad really. ok im gonna go. im bored.
screaming my lungs out @ 4:46 AM
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